


All Hail King Steven: Big Pink Psycho, Conqueror of Worlds

by Dorkinatrix



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cutting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fanart, Hurt/Comfort, Illustrations, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:34:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 21
Words: 49,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23362543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dorkinatrix/pseuds/Dorkinatrix
Summary: This is a dark and edgy series epilogue featuring everybody’s favorite emotionally unstable, pink, glowy, not-Jesus.  After leaving Beach City, Steven is surprised to find that no one he encounters can tolerate his outrageous behavior, frequent mood swings, mental break downs, and pathological need to be the center of attention at all times.  Shunned by mainstream society and unable to hack it in the real world, Steven succumbs to his dark impulses, and begins to embrace his identity as a diamond.  Together, with Jasper as his henchman, he devises a plan to take over Earth, and usurp the existing diamond authority on Homeworld.  Shenanigans ensue.update: now contains illustrations
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Kevin, Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Jasper/Steven Universe, Lars Barriga/Sadie Miller, Spinel/Steven Universe
Comments: 282
Kudos: 189
Collections: Favorite Steven Universe Writings





	1. EPISODE 1: HOMESICK

At the age of 16, Steven drove away from his home in Beach City and tried to forget. 

He forced himself to smile and turned the radio up loud, blinking back tears of guilt and shame. Then, the song _I’m Moving Forward_ , started playing, and Steven started bawling loudly. His body started glowing pink. Then, he grew larger, older, and more muscled.

“I…I can’t ever go back!” Steven wept shrilly, swerving into oncoming traffic, and then, running a red light. Several cars honked their horns at him. “Not after all of the trouble I caused!”

Steven glanced at the rear-view mirror and noticed a cop car following him. The sirens were on, and it was definitely signaling for him to pull over. He sniffled and wiped his pink tears away with the back of one broad, glowing hand. Then, pulled over.

The police officer got out of his car and walked over to Steven’s driver’s side door. Steven rolled his window down and sniffled, spilling more pink tears over his bristly face.

“Do you know how fast you were going, son?” the police officer asked sternly.

Steven opened his mouth to reply, but before he got the chance, police officer answered the question for him bluntly: 

“ _250 miles an hour_.”

“Sorry, I’m just going through some stuff right now, and my stupid heart is hurts,” Steven said sadly.

The police officer rolled his eyes, muttered to himself a bit, then, took Steven’s license and registration. Steven, wept into his steering until the police officer returned.

“You don’t look like the picture on your driver’s license,” the officer informed him suspiciously.

“S…sorry, I’m part gem…so sometimes my state of mind affects my physical form,” Steven sniffled.

“Well, that would explain why you’re pink,” the officer said, then he handed Steven a fine for 2,000 dollars and said, “Drive safely, son.”

Steven hung his head in shame and embarrassment, then said:

"Sorry, I’ll obey the traffic rules from now on. I promise.”

Steven drove for a few more hours. Then, pulled over and stopped at a hotel for the night. He had a plenty of money in his pocket, from his wealthy dad, and more than enough to pay for a decent room in a decent hotel. But he didn’t feel like he deserved to stay in a nice hotel, so instead, he chose to punish himself by staying in the dirtiest, most run down, hotel that he could find.

Steven retired to his dirty, roach-infested room for the night. He locked the door behind him. Then, undress in front of a cracked floor-length mirror. He stared at his naked, glowing, pink body for awhile, trying as he did so, to reconcile with it. This person in front of him was not the little, chubby, 16-year-old boy he knew, but rather, a large, and very imposing-looking grown man. 

Steven flexed his thick, muscled arms for a moment, and grinned experimentally. He touched the pink bristles on his broad chin with thick finger tips. Then, stared into his own eyes. White, diamond-shaped pupils and glowing fuchsia irises, stared back. Steven shut his eyes and shook his head. 

“No…why does this keep happening to me…when am I going to go back to normal again?” Steven moaned worriedly. These slightly-painful, forced, puberty transformations were troublesome to him, and he wondered whether or not they would eventually become permanent. Was this process a natural part of his life cycle as a half-human half-gem hybrid? Or was this whole thing just a dangerous physical manifestation of his psychological distress that needed to be suppressed?

Steven wondered silently if he should embrace these changes in his body, or if he should fight them. He opened his eyes and stared at his pink, glowing form again. Then, he willed himself to stop glowing, and revert back to his previous stage of evolution. The pink light, radiating off of his large, muscled body flickered slightly, but he did not shrink back down to his previous form, instead, he got a searing headache that made him cry out in pain, and stop that trying to age backwards foolishness immediately. 

Steven sighed and looked into his own big, creepy, pink eyes again. Someone he didn’t recognize stared back. Steven contemplated his situation for a moment, and then, resolved that he would try to be more optimistic about his sudden and startling transformation. He extended his hand in friendship, pretending to shake the outstretched hand of his own reflection. 

“Hi, Steven,” Steven said to his own reflection, “I’m Steven. Nice to me you.”

Steven paused for a moment as though waiting for his reflection to respond. But, predictably, it didn’t.

“…I know I haven’t always been that nice to you,” Steven continued, “And that maybe I’ve been a little afraid of some of the things, you think, and feel…and…and want to do… _but_ that’s not an excuse for how I treated you. And I promise that I’ll be nicer to you from now on. I’m really hoping that you can forgive me. Please forgive me. I want to be friends, now. Please, Steven, I think that we could be really good friends.”

Steven closed his eyes and hugged himself. 

A few long moments passed. Then, Steven released himself from the embrace, dropping his arms back down to his sides. Steven grinned at the mirror, posed, flexed his powerful arms, and then, winked at himself. Noting as he did so, that in this form, his glowing, pink genitalia was not just intimidating, but positively monstrous to behold. 

Curiosity got the better of Steven, and his hands snuck down past his furry chest to inspect this new aspect of himself. As he did this, his pink glow faded slowly away, along with the discomfort that often accompanied it. 

When Steven was finished, he stared at himself in the mirror again. The pink glow was gone now. However, Steven’s pink diamond eyes and large, tall, muscled body remained. It seemed that these aspects of his appearance were now a permanent part of his default physical form.

“Hey, Steven, you stopped glowing,” Steven said cheerfully to his own reflection in the mirror. Then, he pointed at himself with both index fingers and said: “Lookin’ good, buddy.” 

**…**

Two years passed. Steven used his dad’s money to travel around, and visit various places. But wherever he went, Steven found that people were far less accepting of him than they had been in liberal-minded Beach City. Steven had never gone to school with children his own age, and he had always been surrounded by a support system of protective parental figures. So, he had never developed an effective coping mechanism for dealing with bullying. 

When people were mean to him (and they often were), Steven couldn’t handle it. When he worked at convenience stores or fast food restaurants, and the other employees mocked his awkward, hyper-emotional, anti-social ways, he usually cried. And that made it worse. It was very difficult for Steven to make new friends, and he soon gave up on the endeavor all together. 

As the months rolled by, Steven’s bitterness increased. He withdrew into his apartment, locked his doors, drew the shades on his windows, and became a recluse. He created Several vegetable-based clones of himself to go to work and the grocery store in his place, so that he could spend his days crying and feeling homesick. He missed his family, and his friends, and his warm, accepting community. But knew that his powers were dangerous. He knew that he was too emotional to control them, and he knew that by going back home, he would be putting his loved ones in danger. 

Overcome by a wave of self-destructive guilt and shame, Steven broke one of his shaving razors open and cut his arm open with the blade. It hurt. But the wound healed itself almost immediately. Pink tears streamed down Steven’s face. And he cut himself with the razor again, and again, and again, each time the wound healed almost immediately, making him more and more frustrated. Each time he cut deeper and deeper, and felt more and more pain, before the wounds magically closed themselves, leaving no scars. 

Steven stared hatefully into the hot pink irises of his red-rimmed eyes. Then said to his half-shaved, poofy-haired reflection, “Happy Birthday, _you pathetic piece of shit_.”

At that very moment, Steven’s cell phone rang. 

Steven wiped his runny nose on a bath towel and answered it:

“H-hello?”

“Hello, Steven,” Garnet’s voice answered urgently, “Steven, you have to tell me. Is this the timeline where you hurt yourself with the razor?”

“What? _No,_ ” Seven, lied, forcing some fake cheerfulness into his voice, “I wouldn’t do something like that. I’m doing great out here, celebrating birthday with some friends. I’m fine! I’m really ok! There’s no need to worry!”

“Steven, we want you to come back home,” Garnet said with resolution

“Well, I don’t want to go back home,” Steven lied, “I’m having fun out here. I’m doing great.”

“Well, I’m relieved to hear it,” Garnet replied, “Unless, of course, this is the time line where you hurt yourself with the razor, and then, lie to me about it.”

“Don’t worry. It’s not,” Steven lied. 

“Because if it is that timeline, Steven, then you’re about to go down a very dark path,” Garnet informed him resolutely. “If that happens, Steven, please know that we will always love you no matter what. Even if you hurt people and do bad things, you will always be welcomed back home. We’re all very proud of the man you’ve become. But you will _always_ be our little boy.”

“Thanks, good to know.”

“Oh, and one more thing, Steven,”

“What?”

“Happy Birthday.” 


	2. EPISODE 2 : IT’S A KEVIN WEDDING

Steven spent his 18th Birthday with four Steven-like vegetable clones. The clones were a good tool because they blindly followed Steven’s orders. However, they weren’t good company. They could not speak in complete sentences. They only made squeaky sounds, or repeated things that Steven said like trained parrots. 

Corn Steven brought the groceries in. Potato Steven held the door for it as it entered the apartment. Pumpkin Steven took the groceries out of the bags and set them down on the table. Carrot Steven took the groceries off of the table and put them in the refrigerator. Regular Steven watched from the couch as his vegetable clones did all of this. _Dog Copter: Till Death do us Bark_ was on, but he was only half listening to it. This movie reminded him of Connie, and how he had killed their relationship by proposing to her before they were both ready.

Carrot Steven put a Birthday cake down at the center of the kitchen table. Potato Steven put candles in the cake and Corn Steven lit the candles. Regular Steven got up and walked over to the table, feeling frustrated with himself, as he recalled that he had instructed his clones to do this for him about a week ago. He sat there, looking dead inside, while the clones sang him Happy Birthday, even though he no longer wanted them to. He realized now that spending his 18th birthday with a bunch of mindless vegetable monsters was about as pathetic, as spending it with dolls at an imaginary tea party.

As the clones finished their squeaky song, Steven started to cry again. Oblivious to the fact that regular Steven was not enjoying himself, Corn Steven shouted out:

“Now, blow out the candles and make a wish!”

Steven thought of Connie, as they danced on the beach. He remembered playing his ukulele while she harmonized on her violin. He remembered eating jam on toast with her on a picnic blanket, outside of the temple. Then, he recalled the sensation of sheer bliss as they fused into one person, and ran barefoot through the sand together, while gentile ocean waves lapped at their heels. 

_I wish that I could be with Connie again_ , Steven thought to himself as he blew out the candles.

As this thought occurred to Steven, his mood improved considerably. 

“Yeah… _yeah!_ I wish I could be with Connie! I should go find, _Connie_!” Steven said out loud as he realized that this might be the solution to his loneliness. He stood up resolutely and slammed his powerful fists down on the table, causing it to splinter, “I’m going to go see Connie!”

Steven threw back his head and laughed like a mad man as he imagined how happy Connie would probably be to see him after all of these years. He imagined her embrace him, and kiss him, and tell him how special he was to her. Then, he imagined her fuse into Stevonnie with him. 

“Vegetable friends!” Steven ordered, “Pack my suitcase!”

The vegetable men got to work folding Steven’s clothes and stuffing them into a suitcase. Steven was too happy to care if they had done a good job or not. He just grabbed the suitcase and strolled out of the apartment, leaving it unlocked to be looted.

“Goodbye sad apartment!” Steven shouted happily as he left, “Goodbye vegetable friends!” 

“Goodbye vegetable friends!” the vegetable Stevens squeaked back cheerfully. 

Steven walked down the steps and into the lobby. 

“Goodbye mean land lady who’s always really mean to me!” Steven called to a older woman, sitting in the lobby. She was eating an energy bar and talking to a plump friend. Both women turned their heads to gaze at Steven with incredulous reproach. 

Steven stopped and handed the land lady an envelope, “Here’s my last rent check! I’m never coming back!”

With those words, Steven exited the lobby. After he was gone, the land lady’s plump companion asked: “Who the hell was _that_? And what is _wrong_ with him?”

“Oh, that’s just Steven Universe,” the land lady said with a strung, taking a bite out of her peanut energy bar, and chewing anti-climatically. “He’s a few peanuts shy of a nutty nut bar, if you catch my drift.”

…

Steven drove to Connie’s university. Then, he wandered around, looking for her in all of the classrooms. For the occasion, he’d bought himself new clothes, and a nice formal jacket. He had also made an attempt to tame his wild fro of floofy black curls. 

After a few hours of wandering around with a bouquet of roses, randomly looking for Connie in random places, Steven got tired and sat down on a bench, under a big tree, outside of the political science building. Hours passed. The sun started to set, and Steven considered giving up his search for the day. Just as he was about to get up and leave, however, he saw her. 

This was the Connie that Steven remembered. She was smiling, and happy, and talking to friends. Then, she was laughing. Then, she waved goodbye to the friends, and they dispersed. Steven felt his heart drop as he realized that she was now walking towards him. She was wearing a yellow button down sweater and her dark hair was short and done up in yellow clips. He wanted to tell her that she looked pretty, but found that he lacked the capacity to speak. 

“ _Steven_ , it’s so nice to see you again!” Connie called to him as she approached, “What are you doing here?”

“Oh….uh….I…I was just….just checking out the campus!” Steven said nervously. 

“Oh, cool, did you get your GED?” Connie asked excitedly.

“Hey, yeeah, definitely that thing you just said,” Steven lied nervously.

“I’m so happy for you,” Connie said cheerfully. Then, she gave Steven a hug. Steven flushed pink for a moment and grinned.

“I brought these for you,” Steven said. Then, he handed her a bouquet of roses that he had purchased for her earlier that day.

“Aw, thank you so much, Steven. I’ll have to put these in water,” Connie said. 

“I…um…I have a confession to make,” Steven said, sounding a bit guilty. Connie stared at him expectantly and he continued, “I….actually didn’t come here to check out the university. I…I came here for you. It’s just that I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately _and_ …I’d like to buy you dinner tonight. I want to talk about. You know… _us_.”

“Oh, Steven,” Connie sighed, “Before you go any further…I should probably tell you…I’m _engaged_.” 

Connie held up her hand to show him her diamond engagement ring.

“Oh,” Steven replied, feeling his heart shatter into a thousand jagged pieces. With a great deal of mental fortitude, he resisted the urge to start bawling on the spot, and instead, forced a grin, “I’m so happy for you, Connie. So…who’s the lucky fella?”

“Oh, well…you remember, Kevin?” Connie said.

“ _What_?” Steven growled with disbelief.

“You know, _Kevin_. From Sour Cream’s rave, and the drag race. Bowl cut Kevin,” Connie clarified, in case the Kevin she was talking about could be mistaken for some other Kevin. 

“But we…we… _hate_ Kevin,” Steven growled, attempting to disguise his building rage. Very much against his will, Steven’s entire body started to glow pink.

“Well… _Stevonni_ hates Kevin. _Connie_ learned to see that Kevin’s not such a bad guy,” Connie said with a shrug.

“But Kevin’s a jerk!” Steven exclaimed angrily, still radiating pink light. He was too upset by the startling news that Connie was marrying Kevin to even really notice that he was currently screaming in her face, “He treated us like a pieces of meat, remember? And he called our friends _garbage people_! So, you turned down _my_ marriage proposal but you _accepted_ his! Huh? You’re just going to leave me forever and marry _Kevin_ of all people! So, I guess, that’s what you’re into now, huh, _big macho jerks_!”

“It’s not like that, Steven. Kevin’s not what you think. He’s actually a really nice guy when you get to know him. And we have a lot in common! We’re both poly sci majors, we’re both Indian! We both enjoy coconut drinks with the little umbrella in them! I mean, sure, he might be a little conceited sometimes, and occasionally he tells an off-color joke, but nobody’s perfect,” Connie defended fiancé angrily, “And besides, I shouldn’t have to defend my decision to you! Because it’s _none of your business!_ ”

“Well, _I_ _want Rose’s scabbard back!_ ” Steven screamed at her, sounding angry and hurt. 

“ _What?_ ”

“ _My mother’s sword_ , I gave it to you before I left Beach City! Now, you’re marrying Kevin; I want it back!” Steven yelled.

“Fine, just stop by our house and pick it up before the wedding. You can _have_ it!” Connie shouted back in exasperation. 

Steven whimpered and let out a strangled sob. Then, streams of silent tears rolled down his glowing pink face. They dripped onto the ground around his feet and made little blades of glass sprout up from the baron soil. Seeing this, Connie’s expression softened. 

“Steven, please don’t cry….I… _I_ never meant to hurt you. You have to understand, I’m _not_ marrying Kevin to hurt you. I’m doing it for me. Because I _love_ Kevin. But that doesn’t mean that the time I spent with you wasn’t _also_ special! And it doesn’t mean that your friendship’s not meaningful to me! Steven, you helped make me the person that I am today!”

“I ‘helped make you the person that you are today’ but you _love_ Kevin,” Steven repeated bitterly, sniffling and wiping his nose with the back of his glowing hand. 

“I’m sorry, Steven. I can’t help the way I feel,” Connie said, “Please, just feel better, Steven. I really want you to be happy.”

“…Right,” Steven said, wiping away his tears, and trying to force the devastated look off of his face, “Don’t worry about me. I’m ok, now. And…if being with _Kevin_ is really what you really want…then, I’ll…I’ll try to be supportive.”

“You should come to the wedding, Steven. I think you’d have fun,” Connie said, handing him an envelope with a fancy cursive K ceil on it, “I was going to mail you your invitation, but since you’re here now, I might as well give it to you.”

“Oh,” said Steven, taking the invitation with very little enthusiasm, “Thanks.”

“We’re doing a traditional Indian ceremony, I think you’ll really like it,” said Connie, smiling affably “And, _hey_ , maybe you’ll even meet someone there!”

“Oh…ha…sounds fun. I guess I’ll try to make it,” Steven said, with a bit of a forced smile of comradery, “Congratulations, Connie. I’m hope your wedding is beautiful…”

The second Steven uttered those words he knew they were a lie. Steven didn’t hope that Connie’s wedding would be beautiful. He _wished_ that it would go up in flames and that Kevin would burn to death inside of it. 

Steven said goodbye to Connie, and pretended that everything was fine. Then, she left, and he walked back to his car, feeling humiliated and blinking back angry tears. The second he was alone inside his car, he picked up his cell phone. And, before he knew what he was doing, he found himself dialing Jasper’s number.

“Hey, Jasper,” Steven murmured tearfully as he heard her pick up the phone.

“Yes, _My Diamond_!” Jasper barked in the rough, deep voice of a determined soldier ready to receive orders from her commanding officer.

“I need you to sabotage a wedding,” Steven said, feeling a bit better as he uttered the spiteful words. In that moment, he didn’t feel like a sad, pathetic, powerless loser watching his girl get stolen by Kevin. In that moment, he felt like a respected member of the diamond authority; a god like titan with the power to crush his enemies, and lay claim to what was rightfully his. 


	3. EPISODE 3 : MY DIAMOND DOES AS HE PLEASES

Together, Steven and Jasper brainstormed possible schemes for disrupting Connie and Kevin’s wedding. Jasper had written a short list of possible ideas on a chalk board, hanging on the wall of Steven’s new apartment. The list read as follows:

_1) Release bees_

_2) Fill the building with lava_

_3) Steal wedding dress and burn it_

_4) Play loud rap music and also bees_

_5) Launch wedding cake at groom’s head_

_6) Set fire to church, also bees_

Steven looked over the proposed options and sighed, as he realized that inviting Jasper into this situation had probably been a mistake

“You know what. This feels wrong. This is wrong. I don’t want to _hurt_ anybody over this!” Steven exclaimed as he read through Jasper’s alarming proposed options. The large, butch, orange quartz was a little bit more than out of touch when it came to navigating interpersonal issues and matters of the heart. And Steven was not yet so far gone that he couldn’t see her plans were more than a little bit misguided. 

“Oh, come on, Steven, that’s loser talk!” Jasper barked gruffly, “If you want these people to respect you, then you have to show them your _power_!”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to hurt anybody…I just want to give Connie a chance to realize…that she’s making a mistake! What can we do that can prove that Kevin’s a jerk?”

“We can set his head on fire,” proposed Jasper.

“No, that just proves that _I’m_ a jerk,” Steven groaned.

“I don’t understand the difference.”

“It won’t work,” Steven said.

“Sure it’ll work. Connie’ll see two guys. One with his head on fire and one with his head clearly _not_ on fire, _that’s you_. And that makes _you_ the better option. Trust me, My Diamond, I know a thing or two about women. She’ll be crawling back in no time.”

“Something tells me…that that’s not how that scenario would play out,” Steven moaned, “And besides, I’ve decided that I don’t want to do this anymore…I mean…I don’t like it, but if they’re happy together…maybe I should leave them alone.”

“Respectfully, My Diamond, that’s loser pussy talk,” Jasper growled.

Steven sulked and slouched. Then, he moaned pitifully: “I don’t deserve to be with Connie anyway! I deserve to be alone! Because I’m a toxic bad person!”

“My Diamond, you deserve to have anything you want! Now that the standing members of The Diamond Authority have gone soft, you are the most powerful and superior creature in existence! Satisfaction is your birthright! And no request is too unreasonable!” Jasper shouted aggressively, taking a knee. Then, bowing low before Steven. 

“You really think so?” Steven mused. He was certainly extremely powerful, and very possibly, just as Jasper had said, one of the most powerful creatures in existence, but did possessing that level of power really give him the right to do whatever he pleased with it?

“If you want happiness, My Diamond, it is within your power to take it,” Jasper said, “If you say that Kevin is bad, then it must be true. Because you are Pink Diamond, and your word is law. You are wise and all those who disagree with you are fools. Therefore, if Connie says that Kevin is good, then she must be wrong. My Diamond, if you truly care for her, then you must protect her from her own foolishness at any cost. Therefore, any method at our disposal can be morally justified!”

“Yeah…yeah I suppose _you’re_ _right_ , Jasper. I can’t let her make this mistake,” Steven agreed hesitantly, “Still, I don’t like the idea of hurting anybody.”

“There must be casualties in war.” 

“And I don’t want to set anybody’s head on fire,” Steven said.

“You must show her that you are a diamond, My Diamond,” Jasper said, “Flex your diamond muscles. Show your enemy that you are the queen…I’m sorry…. _king_ of all gems. Show your enemy that you are a god with the power to exterminate and resurrect life as you please.”

“No…I can’t do that. They’ll just say I’m a monster,” Steven said. 

“No, My Diamond. They will say, ‘All hail King Steven, Conqueror of Worlds!’ and they will bow before you with gratitude for showing them the truth, understanding that your guidance can show them the way to true happiness. Think about it, Steven. Your guidance has helped gems and humans in the past. Even as a small boy, your wise words made ageless titans bow, and succumb to your will! My Diamond, it is with that same wisdom…that you would _rule_ this planet and many others.”

“Uh…right…let’s start with the wedding first, maybe?” Steven said, trying very hard not to succumb to Jasper’s flattery. As cool as it sounded to claim his birthright as a diamond, and rule over entire worlds, Steven understood that such acquisitions could not come without bloodshed. No, it was better to embrace his human half, and concern himself with smaller struggles, like messing up this wedding, “Let’s not talk about the whole um…conquering planets and ruling as dictator thing anymore. I maybe a diamond _genetically_ , but I’m just not that kind of guy, ok? I don’t want to hurt anyone. That’s not why I brought you here. I brought you here to help me get Connie back.” 

  
“Of course, My Diamond. Anything you wish,” Jasper said, bowing to him a second time, “Forgive my rudeness. I forgot you like to make the enemy underestimate you by pretending to be a big cry baby weenie boy.”

“What makes you think I’m pretending?”

“Ha! There it is again! What an ingenious strategy for battle! The enemy will never suspect a thing!” Jasper guffawed, clapping Steven on the back jovially.

Steven walked over to Jasper’s board of ideas and started crossing them out with the chalk.

“I’m getting rid of every version of this plan that involves violence or property damage,” Steven said, “The rap music thing can stay, but minus the bees.”

“What’s wrong with bees?” Jasper asked.

“Bees _hurt_ people! And also, it’s not fair to the bees. When they sting someone, they lose their stinger and _die_!” Steven blurted out passionately

Jasper groaned and rolled her eyes:

“Ugh, your weenie boy routine is really wearing thin on me, My Diamond. Do you want want to stop this wedding or not?”

“I do…I just…I don’t want Connie to hate me because of it! I want her to come out of it thinking that she should be with me instead of Kevin!” Steven blurted out emotionally, banging his powerful fist on the chalkboard and accidentally smashing it into pieces. 

Steven stared down at the broken pieces of green chalk board on the ground. Then, glanced down at his beefy, glowing hands with disbelief. 

Jasper cheered and punched the air shouting:

“Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about! Shatter him like you did that chalkboard, My Diamond!”

“No…I the point of all this is to make Connie like me again,” Steven said. He pondered for a moment, then smiled, “Wait a minute. I have an idea.” 

“What’s your idea, My Diamond?” Jasper asked, looking at him expectantly, perhaps anticipating some profound wisdom from her supreme leader. 

“Well…,” Steven began, grinning, “What if _you_ attack the wedding, and then, _I_ swoop in at the last moment, and thwart your evil scheme, saving the day? Think about it, it’s perfect. The wedding will be in peril, Kevin will run away, and leave Connie for dead, proving that he’s a coward. Then, I’ll fight you with my Diamond powers, maybe Connie will even fuse with me, and we’ll fight you together!”

As Steven finished excitedly divulging his plan, Jasper’s orange face cracked into an exuberant, albeit slightly malicious, smile.

“Ha! I like it. Another _rematch_!” Jasper shouted, punching the air.

“But Jasper, you can’t tell anyone that I’m the one who sent you,” Steven insisted urgently.

“Understood! My Diamond! I show up and _strike_ when you least expect it, so that you look _extra surprised_!”


	4. EPISODE 4 : THE NOT DATE

It was the day of the wedding ceremony, and Steven dressed himself in a black tuxedo for the occasion. For a moment, he considered attending the celebration without a date, but he quickly decided against that option. Going to the party without a date would make him look sad and pathetic, and the goal here was to look cool and desirable. Of course, going with Pearl or Garnet (his moms), or going with Amethyst (technically his older sister), was out. Going to a wedding party with your mom or sister as a date was more un-cool than going alone. Even socially stunted Steven, who had spent most of his childhood isolated from other kids his own age, understood _that_. 

His next move was to invite Lapis or Peridot, but half way through dialing their number, he reconsidered that option as well. Connie knew that Lapis and Peridot were in a committed relationship with each other, so it would be immediately obvious to her that Steven could not find a real date, and she would not get jealous of him, or think he was cool.

It was then that Steven thought of Spinel. Sure she was a little annoying, and sure, if she figured out that she was being used to make Connie jealous, the experience might have triggered some pretty serious issues for her, but _damn it_ , she was single, she wasn’t a family member, and she would _definitely_ say yes. 

Steven dialed Spinel’s phone number. Spinel picked up the phone almost immediately and chirped with an undignified level of enthusiasm:

“Hiii, Steven! Oh boy, oh boy, it’s been years since you called me! You want to talk, Steven? Let’s talk about friend stuff. Tell me everything about your life! I want to know _everything_! Let’s talk about everything, old buddy, old pal! Ah ha hahaha…but don’t hang up too fast! Ooh, ooh, and don’t forget to call me back _tomorrow_!”

“Spinel,” Steven interrupted her, “I’m going to a wedding today. Want to be my date?”

Steven could hear Spinel’s audible gasp of delight over the phone, and it made him feel immediately guilty. Maybe inviting Spinel to this wedding under false pretenses was wrong. Maybe he was a bad and toxic person for even considering the idea.

“ _You_ want to go on a date? With _me_?” Spinel gasped with an undignified level of joy and disbelief, “ _I’m_ going on a date with _Steven_?”

“Uh, yeah, absolutely. Will you go with me?” Steven asked again.

“Of course! This is so exciting! I’m going on a date with Steven! _Hee hee!_ I’m going to a human wedding with Steven! This is so romantic! I feel just like a human princess! Ooh, what should I wear, Steven? Can we hold hands, Steven? Will you buy me flowers, Steven? Please, Steven? Steve-o? Steve-a-rooney-dooney?” 

“Um… _sure_ ,” Steven agreed a little reluctantly and unenthusiastically.

“ _Yaaay!_ I can’t wait to tell _everyone_ that Steven Universe is _my boyfriend_!” Spinel shrieked into the receiver like an insane person.

“Um…I was thinking that maybe we should go _just as friends_ ,” Steven pleaded apologetically. Already he did not like where this whole situation was potentially going. 

“Oh…that’s…a bit of downgrade. But, gosh darn it, _I’ll take it_! I can’t wait to tell _eeeverbody_ that Steven Universe is my… _best friend_!” Spinel cheered, “Hold on, I’ll warp right over.”

She hung up the phone.

Steven groaned and put his face in his hands. Already, he regretted this decision. 

…

Within the next 5 minutes, Spinel had taken the warp pad down to Earth, and was knocking aggressively on the door of Steven’s apartment. 

Steven answered the door, looking thoroughly miserable and unenthusiastic as he did so. He was worried about his planned conflict with Jasper at he wedding, and hopeful that the whole scheme would go down without a hitch. 

The little pink gem stretched her arms into unnaturally long noodle-ropes and wrapped them around him, as she squealed:

“Oh, Steven, you’re so _big_ now! You look _so handsome_!” 

“Oh…thanks Spinel,” Steven replied with a weak smile. Several moments passed and the hug lingered for an uncomfortable period of time, “You can let go of me now.”

Spinel withdrew her hose-like noodle arms back into her body. 

“Right, sorry,” she said, looking a bit embarrassed.

“These are for you,” Steven said with a burnt-out-sounding voice, handing Spinel the bouquet of roses that he had originally intended to give Connie.

“Thank you, Steven. You’re a perfect gentleman,” Spinel said, taking the crushed bouquet of roses out of Steven’s hands. She hugged them very close to her body, as though fearful that he might change his mind and rip them away from her at any moment.

…

At the wedding ceremony, Connie and Kevin’s close friends and relatives conversed jovially, and ate from the refreshment table. The whole thing looked pretty expensive and elaborate, but Steven wasn’t really enjoying himself. He was much too tense and stressed out, as he anticipated Jasper’s planned attack.

Steven stacked some snacks from the refreshment table onto his plate. Spinel was currently embarrassing him by stacking Indian food on top of her head, while Connie’s relatives stared at her and grimaced.

“ _Tadahh!_ ” Spinel exclaimed as she managed to pile a fifth plate for food on top of her head. Then, the five or six plates fell off of her head and shattered onto the floor. Spinel grinned and bowed as though expecting applause.

Steven blushed hot pink and attempted to distance himself from her, but then, she grabbed onto his arm and loudly proclaimed him her date:

“Hey, everybody, look! Look, everybody, _Steven Universe_ is _my_ date!”

Steven’s luminous pink flush heated his face as he saw several dozen wedding guests, in colorful robes, turn their heads to stare at him. 

“Yo, _Steve_ ,” A familiar voice called from across the table. Steven turned his head in the direction of the voice and was very unpleasantly surprised to see Kevin, with his arm around Connie. Both of them were dressed in red wedding robes and smiling sociably.

“It’s _Steven_ ,” Steven replied humorlessly, immediately losing all interest in the food on his plate. Spinel was still clinging tightly to his arm, as though, perhaps, afraid that he might run away from her at the next possible opportunity. 

“Hey, yeah, I remember you. Aren’t you that fat doofus from Beach City, that Connie used to hang out with as a kid?” Kevin said.

“Kevin, don’t be an ass,” Connie scolded. 

“Hey, man, I’m just playin’,” Kevin said, punching Steven playfully on the arm, “You look great, by the way. Looks like you really hit the gym. Yo, how much can you bench press, _Stewart_?”

“I don’t know,” Steven groaned, while Spinel grinned, and clung to his arm still, tighter, completely obvious to his current mental anguish, “Probably like…10 thousand pounds?”

“Aw, shit, dude. Aw, snap. That you’re a straight up alien junk right there! Bro, you are such an alien!” Kevin laughed.

Steven fake laughed unconvincingly. Connie was currently beaming at Kevin, in a way that made Steven want to eject his horderves. 

“Well, we really hope you guys are enjoying the party,” Connie said sweetly to Steven and Spinel. 

“Oh, my gosh it’s SO MUCH FUN!” Spinel answered her cheerfully, stretching her neck a few feet like at ping pong ball on a paddle, as she shouted her socially inept approval. 

“Yeah…so much fun,” Steven lied miserably. He was starting to get really impatient with Jasper, who had still not made her promised appearance. Perhaps she wasn’t coming at all. 

“Everything’s SO BEAUTIFUL and EXPENSIVE!” Spinel blurted out, extended her stretchy arm to point at an intricate glass punch bowl. She narrowly avoided smashing the bowl into pieces as she did this. 

“You bet it is, weird stretchy alien thing,” Kevin bragged, pointing to himself with both thumbs, “An’t no wedding, like Kevin wedding. Am I right, babe?”

“He does throw really excellent parties,” Connie agreed. 

Kevin kissed Connie on the cheek and Steven cringed visibly, his entire body igniting in pink jealous glow. 

“Only the best for you, babe,” Kevin said. 

With those words, Kevin and Connie retreated back into the crowd.

The music changed from an exciting Bollywood-style dance mix, to a slow, romantic song.

“Ooh, ooh! Steven, Steven! Dance with me!” Spinel squeaked excitedly.

“Sorry Spinel, I don’t feel much like dancing,” Steven sighed miserably. 

“Pleeeeaaaase,” Spinel begged annoyingly. 

“Maybe later.”

“But I wanna’ dance nooow,” Spinel whined shrilly. Then, she jumped up onto one of the tables, and started bouncing up and down. People were staring at her now, and Steven couldn’t help but feel embarrassed to be seen with her, “Isn’t dancing what humans do at parties? I want to do what humans do at parties! Come on, Steven, please, please, please! I want to do what humans do at parties, with my bestest human friend, Steven!”

“Uh…Spinel,” Steven said quickly, pulling her off of the table and toward the restrooms. He was really desperate to get rid of her by this point. Not only was Spinel ungodly annoying, but Jasper could have made an appearance at any time, and Steven didn’t want Spinel to get in the way of his plans. 

“Yeees, bestest friend?” Spinel replied annoyingly.

“I forgot to tell you about the most um…important and special party game that humans have,” Steven said.

“Is it even more important and special than dancing?” Spinel asked innocently.

“Definitely,” Steven confirmed, pulling Spinel toward one of the single stall uni-sex bathrooms at the back of the temple, “Want me to show you how to play?”

“Yes, please,” Spinel agreed excitedly. 

“Ok, come with me,” Steven said. He walked into the bathroom. Spinel followed him, beaming the entire way.

“Ok, Spinel,” Steven said, once they were both inside of the bathroom, “This is how you play.”

Spinel beamed stupidly into Steven’s pink diamond eyes and nodded. 

“Now, I want you to stare into the toilet bowl, Spinel,” Steven said.

Spinel did what she was told because she really, _really_ wanted Steven to like her.

“Really stare into the water, and concentrate. What do you see?” Steven asked.

“I…I don’t see anything, Steven,” Spinel admitted a little disappointedly.

“That’s because you haven’t stared long enough,” Steven lied, sweating slightly, “This is a uh…a sacred tradition at weddings. Just keep staring into the water no matter what. And whatever you do, don’t blink. And if you do that…eventually… _you see it_.”

“See what, Steven?” Spinel squeaked excitedly.

“Uh…I can’t tell you that, Spinel. It’ll ruin the surprise,” Steven lied.

“Oh, boy this is so exciting, Steven! I can’t wait to find out what it is!” Spinel squeaked annoyingly, as she gazed into the empty toilet bowl, smiling wide, and not blinking. 

While she was doing that, Steven snuck quietly out of the bathroom, and locked the door behind him. 

Steven felt bad about playing this mean trick on Spinel, especially given her painful history of neglect and abandonment. But, at the same time, he knew that Jasper would appear and attack the wedding soon. When that happened, he didn’t want Spinel to steal his limelight by jumping into the fray. And he certainly didn’t want Spinel and Jasper to fight and end up shattering each other, over his stupid, selfish scheme to manipulate Connie’s emotions. As Steven thought about this, he began to regret planning this entire nefarious plot. He panicked for a moment, and wished to undo the whole thing; to somehow travel back in time and take it all back. But it was too late to reverse this now. Jasper was coming to trash the wedding, and she would certainly put up a fight. And as much as Steven wanted to, he knew he could no longer back out of this. 

Just then, Steven heard a deafening crash. He cringed as he saw Jasper burst threw the side of the temple and throw a huge bolder in Kevin and Connie’s direction. 


	5. EPISODE 5 : THE PINK MENACE

Steven bolted forward to put himself between Jasper’s deadly projectile and the bride and groom. The crowd gasped as the massive bolder splintered into shards against his glowing, pink, barrel chest. The shards of the disintegrated boulder flew everywhere, making people scream and flee the temple. 

“Consider this wedding TRASHED, losers!” Jasper bellowed confidently as she hurled another bolder. This one crushed a statue near the back of the temple, and flattened one of the refreshment tables. The boulder rolled to a stop in front of the building’s exit. The guests screamed and panicked, as they came to the realization that they were now trapped inside. 

Jasper barreled forward, and generated her horned helmet as she charged to crush Kevin’s skull. Kevin screamed a high-pitched scream and wet himself from fear. Then, bolted in the opposite direction. 

Jasper grinned maliciously. Then, she turned toward Connie, advancing on her slowly, with her fists raised. Connie didn’t back down, however. She just glared at the orange gem very angrily and stood her ground. 

“Not, so fast, Jasper!” Steven shouted heroically, stepping between Jasper and Connie before the two had a chance to brawl. 

“Hey, what do you think you are anyway, huh tough guy? Do you really think that you stand a chance against _me_?” Jasper growled theatrically, staring Steven down.

“I’m not going to let you hurt Connie! I’m not going to let you get away with this, Jasper!” Steven replied theatrically, glowing pink and balling up his large fists threateningly. 

“Hey, what do you think you are, huh punk? Some kind of _excellent boyfriend material_?” Jasper quipped, as though awkwardly attempting to plant the subconscious suggestion in Connie’s mind. 

Steven yelled and barreled forward with his fists raised. Jasper aimed a punch at his face, which he easily dodged. The startled wedding guests watched in awe as the two aliens fought, aiming vicious punches and kicks at each other, destroying every decoration, sacred temple object, and wedding present in sight. The shock wave from one of Steven’s vicious kicks accidentally collapsed the walls of the building and the guests screamed and huddled together on the ground as the bricks of the building fell in on them. 

In the midst of the devastation, Steven and Jasper continued to fight. It hadn’t occurred to Steven that he should have given Jasper some kind of a signal to look for, (like him tugging on his ear or something) which would tell her when it was time to stop. She seemed enthralled by the fight, and unwilling to relent her vicious assault. Steven was beginning to realize, with some alarm, that there was only one way to stop Jasper, other than loudly confessing that he’d ordered her to do all of this. He would have to poof her. 

As Steven and Jasper battled, and the guests fled to what was left of their cars in the parking lot, a few dozen cop cars pulled up. They were followed by a few dozen helicopters and fire trucks. As firemen emerged from the trucks, to put out the flames of the thoroughly trashed and desecrated Hindu temple, Steven aimed hexagon-shaped pink shields at Jasper’s face, and she dodged them aggressively.

Steven spotted something shiny and red in amidst the flaming rubble. His heart sank as he realized what this object probably was. Jasper stared with incredulous irritation as Steven halted his attacks and fell to his knees in the rubble, picking Spinel’s red, heart-shaped gem up, and dusting it off. He inspected it for cracks. Then, slid it into one of the pockets of his formal jacket. 

“Oh no,” Steven whimpered. Feeling the weight of Spinel’s poofed gem in his pocket, he stopped what he was doing and let out a remorseful sob. Then, he glanced around, and for the first time, really took in the chaos that surrounded him. As he did this, his battle-induced animal blood lust faded to regret. Pink tears pricked the corners of his glowing diamond eyes, and he squealed pitifully, “What have I done?” 

“Steven, this is not a good time for the weenie boy routine!” Jasper growled as a band of 30 or so human police officers drew their weapons and aimed them at Jasper and Steven. 

Steven put his hands up as pink tears spilled down his glowing face. Jasper launched herself at the battalion of police officers, who fired a dozen bullets into her face, causing her to poof. As the resulting orange cloud dissipated, one of the police officers knelt down and cautiously picked her gem out of the rubble. Seeing this, Steven was clubbed over the head by a metaphorical mallet, comprised of guilt and remorse. He couldn’t let Jasper be punished for something the he had stupidly ordered her to do. So, without thinking, he grabbed the nearest huddled, trembling wedding guest, and took him as a hostage, so that he would have something to trade for Jasper’s gem. 

The captive wedding guest in question, just happened to be the Connie’s fiancé, _Kevin_. Kevin screamed in terror as Steven grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and lifting him effortlessly over his glowing pink fro. The much smaller, skinnier man, whose crotch was still moist with fear urine, trembled, and screamed Connie’s name:

“C-c-c-co- _CONNIE_!” 

“Hand her gem to me, _now_! Or, I swear to God, I’ll _snap him in half_!” Steven shouted at the police officer who was holding Jasper’s gem.

The closing circle of police officers aimed their weapons at Steven, and then, shot a barrage of bullets at him. Steven cried out in pain and more tears rolled down his glowing face. The bullets hurt really, really, _really_ bad, but they weren’t damaging him in the way that they should have. Instead, his magic pink blood immediately healed all of his potentially fatal wounds, leaving only holes in his clothing. As a fully mature diamond, it seemed, he was impervious to death by bullet. 

  
“Stop it!” Connie screamed from the crowd, “You’ll hit _Kevin_!”

Having exhausted their ammo, the police officers retreated. Connie ran forward bravely, wielding Rose’s scabbard with burning eyes and intent to shatter. 

“Steven!” Connie shouted brandishing the pink sword threateningly, her ripped and blood-splattered red wedding robes were caught in a sudden violent breeze and she charged forward, “Let him go! _Right now!_ ”

Steven, who was still holding the much smaller man over his glowing head, glared at her intensely, and stood his ground.

“No! Not until I get Jasper back!” Steven shouted defiantly as still more tears leaked from his frightening pink diamond eyes. The tear-moist patch of dirt around where he stood, was sprouting all kinds of little plants, and pink flowers.

“I had a feeling that I might have to use this sword against you some day!” Connie shouted, tears pouring from her own eyes as she uttered the words, “That’s why you wanted it back, isn’t it? This is gem technology! It’s one of the only weapons in existence that can shatter you _for good_!” 

“I…I’m sorry Connie,” Steven sobbed, his grip on Kevin’s trembling shoulders tightening, as Connie approached with the sword, “None of this is Jasper’s fault. I…I ordered her to do this because I was _jealous_! I’m sorry! And I’ll accept the punishment that I know I deserve…but please. Don’t let them punish Jasper! It wasn’t her fault! Please, make them punish me instead!”

“ _Shut up!_ ” Connie yelled, “Just because you’re crying doesn’t mean that I have to feel sorry for you! And it doesn’t mean that I have to forgive you either! Steven, I will never _, ever_ forgive you for this!”

“N-never?” Steven sniveled.

“ _Never_ ,” Connie growled. 

There was a moment of silence during which the surrounding police officers stared with open-mouthed intensity.   
  


“…Then, maybe I _should_ break him in half,” Steven growled tearfully, his fingers tightening threateningly around Kevin’s trembling shoulders.

Kevins’ eyes shot open and he screamed: “Connie, _CONNIE_! H- _HELP ME_!”

“Steven, I’m going to warn you one last time! Let Kevin go, _now_!” Connie shouted. Then, she let out an audible sob and screamed: “Steven, don’t make me shatter you! Don’t make me _put you down_!” 

Connie waited for a moment. Steven looked back at her with the frightening pink eyes of a person that she didn’t know anymore, and said nothing. He just stared at her with those unearthly eyes, silently daring her to do it; silently daring her to use his mother’s sword against him. His expression was angry and defiant, and he showed no signs of moving to release his hostage. 

Connie screamed and lunged at Steven with his mother’s sword. She aimed for the belly button area, where she knew his gem was located, under his ripped formal shirt. He sidestepped the blow easily and she charged at him a second time. He put up a pink force field to block the second blow. The force field cracked and disintegrated as Connie swiped at it with the sword. Steven stumbled backward, and blinked back fresh tears, deeply wounded by Connie’s betrayal. Connie kept her sword raised and her stance taunt, ready to defend herself, but she did not strike again. 

“Let him go, Steven!” she demanded again.

“W-why do you like Kevin so much all of a sudden anyway? We used to _hate_ Kevin, remember? It was one of the things we did together. It was _our_ thing,” Steven said, his voice growing less tearful, and more bloodthirsty as he spoke. 

“Well Kevin may be a little stuck-up and douche-y sometimes, and he might be passive aggressive, and shallow, and vain, and he might occasionally throw plastic bottles into the trash can instead of the recycling, but _he’s one thing that_ _you’ll_ _never be!_ ”

“I-Indian?”

“No, Steven,” Connie growled with both irritation and finality in her voice. In that moment, she was 100% ready to put whatever lingering feelings she still possessed for Steven permanently to rest, “ _Human_.”

**_Human._ **

That was the last word that Steven would ever hear Connie say to him. And it cut him deeper than Rose’s scabbard ever could have, leaving a scar on his heart that would alter him permanently. 


	6. EPISODE 6 : YOU’RE A NATIONAL SECURITY HAZARD, MR. UNIVERSE

Realizing that the police were not about to trade Jasper for Kevin, Steven released his hostage. Kevin ran sobbing into Connie’s arms and they embraced.

Steven extended his arms and floated up into the air. The pink light radiating from his body tinted the police cars and fire trucks. One of the helicopters overhead, unleashed a barrage of gun fire that burned Steven like fire, and made him scream out in pain. The pain was intense, but brief. The bullets ripped off pieces of his clothing, but the wounds they left on his body quickly healed themselves. Steven generated a pink bubble around himself, so that the continued gunfire would ricochet off.

At this point, Steven probably should have realized that the best option left available to him was to give up and let the police take him. However, he was terrified, and not thinking clearly. His heart was pounding so fast and his brain was screaming. All he could do was hover in his protective bubble, and fight the instinct to exterminate them all, thus sparing himself whatever terrible but deserved consequence would surely be the result of this stupid mistake. 

Steven started to hyperventilate. Then, his vision blurred and he started violently trembling. Feelings of guilt, shame, remorse, anger, hatred, self-loathing, resentment, sadness, and fear swirled inside of him, overwhelming his senses and triggering a panic attack, which ultimately caused him to pass out.

…

When Steven regained consciousness, he discovered that he was now in a small, windowless room. Steven tried to move his arms but discovered that his wrists were cuffed behind his back. He whimpered, and stood up cautiously, attempting a small, shaky step. Then, stumbled, nearly falling on his face, as he noticed, for the first time, that his ankles were cuffed to the floor.

Now, Steven was very scared. The diamond-shaped pupils at the centers of his hot pink irises contracted and as his heart raced. He bit his lower lip nervously, and then, began to tremble. 

The door to the windowless room swung open. Steven willed a pink shield into existence, but found that, for whatever reason, his powers weren’t working correctly. As hard as he was trying, he could not summon a shield. He was completely defenseless. 

A man in a black suit and sunglasses entered the room. To Steven, the man looked like a government agent. Steven tried to summon his shield again, but nothing happened. The man got closer. Steven desperately attempted to summon his shield a third time but the attempt only left him shield-less and mentally exhausted. 

“I can see you’re straining to summon your weapon. Don’t bother,” the government agent advised Steven humorlessly as he approached, “We shot you up with 400 cc’s of hyrodroclorophine dyoxiribocarbon while you were knocked out. This injection was formulated by the government to poof hostile gems, but in human-gem hybrids it only suppresses gem abilities for three to seven days.”

“Am I in t-trouble?” Steven asked in a nervous, warble-y voice. 

“Well, what do _you_ think?” the government agent answered him sarcastically. 

“…Do I get one phone call?” Steven asked in a polite, timid, suppliant tone, as tears gathered in the corners of his eyes. Then, his voice broke and he whaled desperately, “I want to call my dad!”

“You’re not calling anybody.”

“Please!”

“You’re a national security threat, Mr. Universe. I hope you understand that,” the government agent said, “In my agency, we often dissect hostile gem hybrids, in order to better understand their anatomy, so that we can build effective weapons against them, which can be used to protect the Earth in the event of alien uprising. You should count yourself lucky, Mr. Universe. You were almost dissected yourself. However, your initial blood test proved that you possess a highly unusual power level for a gem hybrid. That, coupled with the healing abilities we mapped on your x chromosome, saved you from the dissection table. Dissecting you would have been killing the goose that laid the golden egg, so to speak. No, I’m afraid, Mr. Universe, you’re more useful to the United States government _alive_.” 

“You talk about human-gem hybrids like there’s a lot of them? Are there… _more people_ _like me_?” Steven couldn’t help but wonder out loud. If there were other gem hybrids out there, perhaps hiding in plain sight, then maybe he wasn’t truly as alone as he felt. 

“I’ll ask the questions here, Mr. Universe,” the government agent said.

Steven fell silent. 

“Mr. Universe. All of your excretions possess potent life-giving properties, which can be weaponized by the United States government,” the government agent said, “Your tears, blood, sweat, urine, spit, earwax, ejaculate, stomach acid and so on, and so forth, are all a very rare and valuable commodities.”

“Even my poop?”

“ _Yes._ ”

“I had no idea that my poop was so important,” Steven joked meekly. Then, he indulged in an awkward and a cautious attempt at comradery, “Haha…wow…I guess I should have been selling it this entire time, huh?”

“Let’s be mature about his, Mr. Universe,” the government agent replied humorlessly, “Your tears are the body excretion with the highest levels of the alien protein that we’re interested in. Your poop has much lower trace levels of the protein, and we would need much larger amounts of it to equal the power of a single tear drop. Do you understand what I am telling you, Mr. Universe?”

“Um…my poop is valuable…but my tears are more valuable than my poop?” Steven guessed cluelessly.

“Well, _yes,_ that’s technically true. But let’s not distract ourselves with the literal, biological fact that _your_ _shit doesn’t stink_. The more important takeaway here is that I’ve come to _torture you and harvest your tears_ ,” the government agent said, putting down his metal briefcase and opening it up on the floor. 

Hearing this, Steven large body quivered violently, and he began to panic.

“See that drain in the floor,” the government agent said, pointing to a large drain in the floor, the size of a manhole cover, “That’s where your body fluids are going, tears especially.”

“Wait—you don’t have to torture me to harvest my tears! I cry all the time!” Steven blurted out. And then he begged: “Please! You don’t have to torture me! Just…just play the old Cookie Cat Crunch commercial where the dad tells the kid to believe in himself, and I’ll cry as much as you need me to!” 

It’s nothing personal, Mr. Universe,” the government agent said with a sociopathic level of calm, which seemed to indicate that he was completely unmoved by Steven’s pitiful plea, “It’s just agency protocol.”

…

Sensing that her diamond would need her in the near future, Jasper wasted no time regaining her physical form, and busting through the wall of her jail cell. 

Using her keen sense of smell, Jasper then tracked Steven to a remote government facility in Area 51. Here, she knocked out one of the guards, shaped shifted into his body type, and then, dressed herself in his government-issued uniform. 

Quietly, she snuck past the government employees. As she did this, her orange-ness went conveniently unnoticed.

Jasper followed Steven’s scent into an empty laboratory. There were many test tubes and syringes filled with different colored liquids in here. The walls of the room were papered with diagrams of gem and gem-human hybrid anatomy, and the there were several dozen heavy metal barrels stacked in the left hand corner, which were labeled “dangerously reactive.” 

Jasper followed Steven’s scent to a vat of pink liquid at the center of the room. A slow procession of pink droplets was currently oozing from the ceiling. These recurring droplets created steady ripples in the vat of pink fluid, releasing their telltale Steven stink into the air. There could be no mistaking it. Steven was certainly here. 

Through the ceiling, Jasper could hear Steven blubbering. 

“I…I’m sorry…I did a bad thing…I didn’t m-m-mean to! I just don’t know my own strength! I promise I’ll be good from now on! Just let me call my dad, please! He has money! He can pay for the property damage I caused! Just please,” Steven paused to sob and whimper, “P-please don’t h-hu-hurt me anymore!” 

“Shut up,” a second man ordered authoritatively. Then, Jasper heard what was unmistakably the noise of Steven being struck repeatedly with a heavy metal object.

“OW! AGHH! Ouch! OWW! Wahhhh…haaahaaaa....” Steven bawled loudly. Then, Jasper heard the noise of Steven’s large, heavy body hitting the ground. She heard him cry out in pain, as he was struck yet again. 

“I think that’s quite enough for one day, Mr. Universe,” the other man said very passionlessly. He spoke as though he were, perhaps, discussing his plans for a pleasant brunch with friends from book club when he added, “Tomorrow, I’m going to pull you’re all of your toenails out with pliers and strap your nuts to a live car battery. Goodnight.” 

Jasper listened to the noise of the second man’s footsteps as he exited the room and locked the door behind him. Then, she jumped and punched out the dripping grate in the ceiling, before quickly climbing through the resulting hole. 

Jasper emerged onto the metal floor of a dark, windowless room. Then, she followed the sound of Steven’s sniffling to the hulking silhouette of his broken, trembling body. She sloshed through the pink mess on the floor, realizing as she did so that the mysterious liquid in question was most definitely at least 90% Steven’s blood. 

“Steven! Your human meat body isn’t healing itself!” Jasper shouted urgently, as though Steven had not already noticed this.

“They…t-they injected me with something to suppress my powers,” Steven explained miserably. He rolled onto his side and she saw that his left eye was blackened shut. His face and neck were covered in deep cuts and severe contusions. 

“My Diamond, you have to get up. _Right now._ We have to get out of here.” Jasper growled forcefully, tapping Steven’s trembling backside with the toe of her boot. 

Steven attempted to lift himself off of the floor, but then, stumbled. He collapses back onto the ground and coughed violently, then, spit up a wad of pink blood and phlegm. He curled into the fetal position, and then, cried out, like a child: “Waaahhhaaahaah _haaa_ ….Steven has _owies_!” 

Jasper grunted with irritation. Then, she knelt down and lifted Steven off of the floor. The two were about the same size, but without his gem powers, Steven was only the weight of an ordinary man, and Jasper was able to lift him easily. She threw him over her shoulder without ceremony. Then, she generated her horned helmet and busted through the metal prison wall, escaping out into the desert, with Steven draped over her back.

Jasper held Steven’s muscled legs against her orange chest with one arm, and bolted forward through the sand. He hiccuped and sniffed. Jasper disapproved of such disgraceful displays of weakness, so she growled with irritation, and shook Steven roughly, with the intention of signaling to him that it was time to suck it up and stop crying. Steven didn’t seem to notice, his pained blubbering continued unhindered. 

“Enough of the wimpy weakling theatrics, My Diamond!” Jasper shouted, slowing to a stop in the middle of the desert. “There is no enemy here to mislead! And no reason to carry on with this embarrassing routine any further! You are among the most superior beings in existence, a ranking member of The Diamond Authority, destined to rule this world and many others! Why must you carry on like a pearl who’s misplaced her tiara? This behavior is _below your station_!”

“I don’t feel good! Stop yelling at me!” Steven sobbed. Jasper couldn’t see his face because he was currently draped over her shoulder, but she imagined that he must have looked very foolish indeed. 

“This is _not_ what I taught you, Steven! Now tell me, are you _a diamond_? Or are you a _cry baby_ _weenie wuss boy_!”

“I’m BOTH!” Steven shouted through his tears. And then, he admitted it again in a much quieter, more shameful voice, as though resigning himself to it, “I…I’m both.”

“Ughh…,” Jasper groaned, rolling her eyes hard. She resumed trudging through the desert. It occurred to her that she should dump Steven in the sand and leave him there, but for some reason, she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Instead, she held him more tightly than before and muttered, “I can’t believe a doofus like you managed to shatter me.”

Steven sniffled, and then, replied: “Heh…yeah, but I did shatter you, didn’t I?”

“I must admit when I’ve been defeated,” Jasper confirmed darkly, “And I have never been defeated so thoroughly. Truly, you have earned my respect, and yet…I have never served a diamond….quite like _you_ before…Forgive me, I was insubordinate. It is not my place to pass judgment on you, My Diamond. Instruct me, I wish to exact vengeance against your tormentors.”

“Oh…um…alright,” Steven said, sniffing hard, and wiping tears off of his bruised face with his hands, “Jasper, as your diamond, I’d like you to…”

“Crush the government man’s head in my fist?” Jasper finished his sentence for him gruffly.

“No, I’d like you to…”

“Fill Kevin’s Ferrari with lit sticks of dynamite?” Jasper interrupted a second time.

“No! please don’t do that either. Jasper, as your diamond, I…,” Steven faltered, flushing slightly as he uttered the request, “I’d like you to take care of me until I feel better, please.”

“Ugh, don’t you have a better job for me? That’s a job for a pearl,” Jasper complained, spitting out the world “pearl” with a tad more disgust than Steven was frankly comfortable with.

“Yeah, well, _my_ Pearl is on the other side of the country right now, and I miss her, and I could really use a friend right now…a friend who will bring me ice cream, and warm blankets, and put ice on my bruises and black eye. And also you can’t make fun of me and call me names, or yell at me for crying either. At least, not until I’m all healed up….That’s an order from your diamond. Do you think you could manage that, Jasper…for your diamond?”

“I’m not the nurturing type,” Jasper grunted, kicking deep tracks in the desert sand as she continued to trudge forward. “But sure.”

Jasper walked though the desert for hours, until the sun was low in the sky and the horizon was dark. After some time, Steven felt sleepy and shut his eyes. By the time Jasper reached the warp pad, Steven was snoring loudly. Hearing this sound, Jasper tightened her grip on his muscular legs. The warmth and weight of Steven’s limp body in her arms was oddly comforting to her. So much so, that in a moment of weakness, she stopped, and patted his fluffy head awkwardly.


	7. EPISODE 7 :  NOT THE NURTURING TYPE

Jasper carried Steven back to the apartment, and laid him down on the couch in the living room. There weren’t many other options left available to her, because Steven’s new apartment had almost no other furniture in it. Only a couch, a television, and the shattered green remnants of the chalkboard he had destroyed before the wedding. Steven had recently abandoned his original apartment, and pretty much everything in it, to chase Connie, and it didn’t look like he intended to stay in this particular location for very long.

Jasper lifted Steven’s head, and put a pillow under it. Steven tossed and whimpered in his sleep. He grimaced and cried out between snores: “….No…no don’t…s-stop…”

Jasper threw a blanket over Steven, then, stood over him with her weapon drawn, as a soldier does before the thrown of her diamond.

...

Jasper stood beside the place where Steven lay and guarded him until morning.

When, at last, he finally stirred, Jasper shouted:  
“My Diamond, you’re awake!”

Steven whimpered and moaned. He turned in Jasper’s direction and touched his black eye gingerly. Then, said quietly:  
“Oh, good morning Jasper.”

“How may I serve you today, My Diamond!” Jasper shouted dutifully, flashing him the diamond solute.

Steven sat up slowly, and whimpered again. His entire body hurt. His eyes watered, and his heart ached, as he was assaulted by painful memories of the traumatic events from the previous day.

“Ow, ow, owww…,” Steven moaned. Then, he gave up on sitting and collapsed backward onto the sofa. Tears pricked the corners of his eyes and he said in a timid, warbling voice that sounded dangerously close to a fit bawling: “Jasper…will you bring me some ice cream and a warm blanket, please?”

“How do I make it warm?” Jasper asked.

“Pearl used to put it in the dryer,” Steven said.

Jasper trudged away. While she was gone, Steven curled into a ball, and cried. He understood that he was better off than an ordinary person with these kinds of wounds. In three to seven days, his healing powers would kick back in, and he would probably get better almost immediately, just like he always did when something like this happened. All of his broken bones, and painful bruises would heal, and yet, he was whaling and blubbering into his pillow like they would never, _ever_ heal. He couldn’t help but think about how awful and painful those three to seven days without his healing powers would be. He could not help but cry like a big baby, and feel ashamed and broken, as he lay there, completely at the mercy of his punishing contusions, and fractures. The memory of the vicious beating that he’d taken at the government facility was still fresh in his mind. He closed his eyes and tried to block it all out. But the memories persisted. As much as he kept trying to think of something else, all he could see was the government man whacking his kneecaps with the crowbar, then the flaming rubble of the desecrated temple, then the hatred in Connie’s eyes.

Jasper returned and exchanged Steven’s current blanket with a hot comforter fresh from the dryer. Before he could thank her, she stomped off to the kitchen. Steven closed his eyes and cocooned himself in the comforter’s warmth. He could hear Jasper banging around in the kitchen with clumsy determination.

A few moments later, Jasper returned with a large, white bowl filled with vanilla ice cream. She seemed to have poured a lot of caramel sauce and gummy bears on top of it, and Steven’s heart couldn’t take it. The second he noticed that she had done that, he started bawling again.

“I have procured the frozen milk product and orange sticky sauce for you, My Diamond. Now you may take out your frustrations on these tiny, inferior bears.” Jasper announced officially, putting the cold bowl down on Steven’s chest, and then, flashing him the diamond solute, “Eat it and get fat.”

Steven sniffled and wiped the tears off of his face. Jasper stared at him expectantly.

“Thank you, _this is so nice_!” Steven blurted out between sobs, “But, I…I don’t deserve it…I was bad! _I’m a bad Steven_!”

Jasper grunted in irritation and narrowed her eyes. Steven laid there and sniffled. Several long minutes passed and he didn’t touch the ice cream.

“Steven, aren’t you going to put that into your mouth hole?” Jasper asked after awhile.

“No…I’m sorry I asked for it…I don’t deserve it. I deserve be alone…and in pain…and have no friends. And I deserve to be hungry,” Steven whimpered miserably.

Jasper sighed, and then, knelt by the side of the couch, picking up the spoon. She dipped it in the ice cream, picking up some of the white frozen milk product, sticky orange sauce, and inferior bears. Then, she put the spoon up to Steven’s lips, and aggressively shoved its contents into his mouth. Steven swallowed, and sniffled, then, passively allowed himself to be fed.

Jasper stroked the sweaty black curls back from Steven’s forehead, as she spoon fed him the ice cream. He closed his eyes and chewed the inferior bears sadly, but did not protest again. The warmth of the blanket against his bruised body combined with the cold of the ice cream dribbling down his throat, was a pleasant and comforting sensation. It made him feel a little better for awhile.

When the ice cream bowl was finally empty, Jasper asked:  
“Do you feel better now?”

“Yes, thank you,” Steven said quietly. He felt a little embarrassed by his previous outburst now and was finding it somewhat difficult to look her in the eye. Luckily, Jasper didn’t seem to notice this at all. In fact, she seemed very steadfastly oblivious to it.

“What else does My Diamond require?” Jasper inquired gruffly.

Steven thought back to when he was a small boy, and specifically to the time period before he had started developing his gem abilities. Back then, every little splinter, bruise, and scraped knee lingered for a long time. And, when he was feeling sick or hurt, he became the center of everyone’s world. He remembered Pearl carrying him and rocking him in her arms. He remembered Garnet making him waffles and popcorn. He remembered his dad playing him a song on the guitar, and Amethyst dancing stupidly to try and make him laugh.

“Um…well…” Steven began, and then, he stopped himself.

“What?”

“Never mind, it’s stupid,” Steven said.

  
“My Diamond, as a servant of your court, it would be my honor to indulge you in any stupidity that you desire,” Jasper replied.

“I probably shouldn’t ask this…it’s just…I miss my family,” Steven said sadly.

“If you miss your family, then why don’t you go home?” Jasper asked with a simple shrug.

“I can’t,” Steven moaned.

“Why not?”

“I don’t know,” Steven mumbled tearfully, not wanting to discuss this topic any further.

Jasper seemed more than willing to drop the issue completely as soon as Steven was no longer interested in pursuing it.

“So, what is your command, My Diamond?” she asked again.

Steven hesitated for a moment and then replied:  
“Can I have a hug please?”

“Ugh. Sure,” Jasper sighed. Then, she embraced him in her powerful orange arms, squeezing him so tightly that he felt he might snap.

“Ow, _OW!_ Not so hard!” Steven yelped as Jasper’s stranglehold on him aggravated the considerable pain in his already-cracked ribs.

She released him from her crushing grip. Steven collapsed back onto the couch and shivered with pain, then, let out a fresh sob.

“There really is no pleasing you, is there?” Jasper said wistfully. Then, she stared off into the distance, as though, perhaps, recalling a time long ago, “You remind me of Pink before she came into her power. During that time, she had not yet learned to embrace her identity as a creator, commander of armies, and ruler of words. Back then, she was a lot like you, given to petulant mood swings, and extravagant displays of emotional frailty…It was not until she gave into her lust for power, that she commanded a great respect.”

“I don’t want to be like her. Not now that I know the truth,” Steven said, “Pink Diamond was selfish and cruel. And she hurt people.”

“You mustn’t think of her that way, Steven,” Jasper said, “Pink Diamond was a great leader. She made tough decisions, and showed a great strength. I know it might not seem like it now, but you have that in you too. I saw it in your eyes…the day that we fought.”

“I’m not proud of that day, Jasper,” Steven said.

“But you should be,” Jasper answered him, “You put your doubts aside and fought with all of your power; without holding back. You were fearless. You were a force of nature!”

“I don’t want to be a force of nature. I just want to be Steven,” Steven said.

“But _who_ is Steven?”

“I don’t know,” Steven said.

“WHO is _Steven_?” Jasper demanded a second time.

“I’m still trying to figure that out,” Steven said.

“I’ll tell you who Steven is,” Jasper shouted passionately, “ _Steven_ is the leader we need to put this galaxy back the way it belongs! You want to know _why_ you left your family, Steven? It’s because THEY WERE HOLDING YOU BACK! They were threatened by what you would grow into, so they messed with your head. And they made you into what they wanted you to be, a little, goodie-two-shoes, weenie boy, who cries all the time, and isn’t a threat to them or their rebellion against The Diamond Authority’s supreme rule! Can’t you see, they were afraid of your power, Steven! They tried to keep you a baby forever so that you could be _their pet_ instead of what you were born to be, which is _a diamond_!”

“I…I feel bad when I mess up sometimes, but that’s not their fault. They’re not bad people. They want what’s best for me. I just let them down sometimes…but I’m trying to be better,” Steven said a little unsurely. Truth be told, Jasper was starting to make a lot of sense to him, but he still wasn’t going to stand there and let her trash talk his family like that.

“They held you up to unrealistic expectations, and tried to make you into something you _are not_. They tried to control you by making you _feel bad_ about who you really are! So much so that when you started to become a man, you felt shame instead of pride. You tried to hide the fact that you were growing, because you knew that they would not accept you that way. You tried to keep yourself small and weak, even though it was unnatural, even though it hurt your body, even though _you knew_ it wasn’t right. And you did it to please them, because their expectation for you…was that you stay a little boy _forever_. ”

“No…they wouldn’t do that…” Steven defended his family timidly. He loved his family and he did not want to believe that they would intentionally hurt him, just because he happened to be the descendant of someone very important and dangerous.

“So then, _why_ did you leave your family, Steven?” Jasper inquired with a confident and knowing smirk.

  
“I don’t know. Maybe I was afraid that I would hurt them with my new powers? Maybe I wanted to protect them? I don’t know. I’m not sure…,” Steven murmured in reply. It wasn’t lost on him that Jasper was closing in for the verbal checkmate.

“Think about it, Steven. They _didn’t like it_ when you started to resemble Pink. They shamed and guilted you for it, and they made you feel like a monster! They made you mind-fuck yourself…into _a monster_! But I think, deep down, you know the truth, Steven. I think, deep down, you know you didn’t leave your family to _protect them_. You left them to protect _you_ ,” Jasper said.

Steven opened his mouth to contradict but found that he could not. The truth was that Jasper’s logic was right on the money. Steven really had attempted to halt his puberty with aggressive shape-shifting when he was a boy. The process of becoming a man had been very traumatic for him. Nobody around him knew how he was supposed to age, and he hadn’t known if what was happening to him was natural or good, but it felt wrong, the changes to his body made him feel dirty; tainted; _un-pure_. Looking back now, Steven couldn’t help but wonder if his family’s attitude toward his aging might have greatly contributed to his negative feelings about growing up, and the subsequent mental breakdown that those feeling triggered.

“You’re not saying anything,” Jasper observed with a knowing grin, “It’s because I’m right, isn’t it?”

“You are,” Steven conceded, “But this is still not on them. Maybe they wanted to keep me a kid because they were afraid of my power…looking back now, that’s probably true. But let’s be honest here, these powers are too much. Just look at all the damage they caused, and all of the trouble they brought me. So, maybe my family is disappointed that their good kid turned into a bad man, but that’s not on them. That’s on me.”

“Diamonds are not inherently good or evil, Steven,” Jasper said, “And neither are men.”

Steven thought about this for a moment, and then, smiled, despite the pain of his injuries.

“You’re right, Jasper…that makes so much sense,” Steven said, “Maybe I should stop trying to run from this…maybe I should stop feeling bad about who I am; about who my mother was…and just _embrace my destiny_.”

An intense pain shot through Steven’s broken ribs, and he cried out. Tears gathered in the corners of his diamond eyes and rolled down his bristly face.

“And you’re _still_ crying like a little pathetic weakling,” Jasper growled.

“Hey...you promised you wouldn’t make fun of me, remember? And besides, I’m not crying because I feel bad about myself anymore,” Steven sniffled, “…I’ve been looking at this the wrong way…none of this is really _my fault_. They hurt me because I’m a gem hybrid. And that’s _not right_. I’m not the one that’s bad here. _They are_.”

“Finally, you get it,” Jasper said.

“The United States government is killing and torturing gem hybrids….but if I’m really as powerful as everyone says, than I can’t just stand by and let that happen, can I? If there are other people out there that are like me, then I have to protect them, at any cost, even if that means going up against the law; even if that means becoming the law. I _have to_ protect them. I’m their diamond. That’s my job,” Steven said, wiping some of the tears and snot off of his face with the back of his broad hand.

“My Diamond, as I’ve told you many times before, you are the rightful ruler of the planet. This was Pink Diamond’s colony. To govern it is your birthright,” Jasper said.

“Yea,” Steven agreed, straightening up, “Yea…it is…isn’t it?”

  
...

Two days passed before Steven’s gem powers started to slowly return to him. During that time, Jasper brought him comfort food and warm blankets. She drew baths for him, and brought him tissues to blow his nose on, and went to the grocery store for him when he ran out of food. Steven’s mood improved as his powers returned to him and his body started to heal, but he was still given to long, contemplative silences, and morose lamentations over his dead relationship with Connie.

One day, Jasper returned to the apartment with a bag full of groceries and caught Steven trying to call Connie. He held the phone to his ear for a long time. She didn’t pick up. Jasper watched with alarm and disgust as Steven proceeded to leave a tearful and extremely pathetic message on the human’s answering machine:

“Connie, please…please pick up. I’m just calling to say I’m sorry…just please don’t ignore me…I’m just calling to say that I’m happy for you and that I understand if you hate me…but please don’t hate me. The time that we spent together was really important to me…I just need you to know that. I just need you to know that I…”

Jasper pulled the phone out of Steven’s hand and broke it in half.

“And that’s enough of that,” she said.

“ _Jasper_! Why did you do that?” Steven shouted angrily.

“That was for your own good, My Diamond. That girl _doesn’t care about you_. You’re making a fool of yourself,” Jasper announced bluntly.

“Do you…do you really think she _doesn’t care about me_?” Steven whimpered miserably and his eyes filled with tears. Then, he started sobbing. A pink glow crept over his cheeks and nose, healing the cuts and bruises on that part of his face.

“Ugh. Losers cry,” Jasper scolded, “Cool guys play the guitar.”

Jasper picked up Steven’s guitar and handed it to him.

“Here,” she said, as he took the guitar out of her hand and put his finger over the frets, “Get it out of your system.”

Steven sniffed and played a few notes to tune the guitar. Then, he sat down on the couch and started to play a cover of _Hate Me_ by Blue October:  
“”

When he was finished, he put down the guitar and sighed. Connie had been his dearest childhood friend, and (however she felt about him now) he still loved her deeply. But he had a responsibility as Pink Diamond’s successor to protect his people. And that's what had to be important right now.

It was time to move on from the past--and put childish things aside.


	8. EPISODE 8 : THE NEW PINK DIAMOND

After about two days, Steven’s gem powers returned to him in full force, causing the injuries that he had sustained from being tortured at the government facility to heal themselves almost instantaneously. 

Steven conjured a few dozen pink force fields of various shapes and sizes just to be sure that his abilities were restored. Then, he jumped into the air and hovered for awhile, cocooning himself inside of a pink bubble as he did so. 

Jasper entered the apartment. 

“Oh good, you’re back to normal,” Jasper said to Steven as she observed his glowing pink visage hovering above the dirty carpet and encased in a translucent bubble, “And just in time too. The fuzz tracked us back to this apartment. Just take a look outside.”

Spikes formed on the surface of Steven’s bubble. Then, it disintegrated to nothingness, and he floated down to the floor, the pink glow fading from his body as his large feet touched the carpet. He walked over to the window and looked down at the parking lot. There where four black cars parked there, blocking in his white Nissan in on four sides. Steven watched as eight armed government agents in black suits and sunglasses exited the black cars. 

“Crap,” Steven panicked as he saw the government agents walk into the entrance of the apartment building. He backed away from the window and pulled the shades. 

“Battle is imminent, My Diamond. What is your command?” Jasper said, grinning maliciously and generating her horned helmet with gusto. Her orange face curled into a frightening grin, as she anticipated the impeding blood shed with glee.

“Stand down,” Steven ordered, as he thought fast, and quickly came up with a plan. He had to get back inside of the government facility as quickly as possible. There was no time to wait, and no time for a long, exhausting walk through the desert. Every second he wasted was a second that one of his fellow gem hybrids was getting dissected or tortured.

Footsteps could be heard in the hallway, outside of the apartment.

“Battle is imminent, My Diamond!” Jasper barked with more urgency than before, “ _What is your command?_ ”

Steven knew that he had to get back into that government facility fast and without having his powers taken from him again. So, he made a quick, brash decision. It was a very tough decision and one that he did not like having to make.

“Jasper, I need you to beat me up,” Steven instructed resolutely.

“What are you out of your mind?” Jasper growled. 

“I’m going to let them take me back the government facility, so I can find and free the other detainees. But if they see that my injuries healed…they’ll know that the injection they gave me wore off, and they’ll inject me again,” Steven said.

“Yeah, but what if they inject you anyway. Just to be sure?” Jasper argued. 

“That’s a risk that I’m just going to have to take.”

“But Steven, couldn’t you just shape shift some fake injuries?” Jasper argued.

“Sometimes my shape shifts are hard to maintain when I’m scared. I can’t risk the illusion failing, and them figuring out that the injuries aren’t real,” Steven explained quickly.

“But Steven—” Jasper protested gruffly.

Steven put up a hand to silence her. Then, he said with authority: “I believe I just gave you _an order,_ soldier.” 

The footsteps in the hallway were getting louder. Jasper cracked her knuckles and clocked Steven in his eye, blackening it shut. He yelped and bit his trembling lip. Then she punched him the gut, and he doubled over in pain, gasping for air. She kicked out his legs from under him and he fell face-fist onto the carpet where he curled into the fetal position. He cried out in pain as Jasper kicked him repeatedly. Then, let out a strangled sob as tears of pain started to roll down his face.

Jasper relented her assault and then flashed him the diamond solute, having completed her assigned task. 

“Now, hide yourself,” Steven ordered, shakily rising to his feet, “I’ll call you when I need you again.”

Jasper bowed her head respectfully in his direction. Then, jumped through one of the closed windows, smashing it to pieces. She landed on her feet, in the parking lot, outside, and darted away. 

There was a harsh knock on the door.

“Steven Universe, you’re in violation of your parole!” a deep-voiced government agent announced from the other side of the door. “Come out with your hands up!”

Steven did not respond to the command. Instead, he stood there silently and waited for them to break down the door. 

“Steven Universe, we have a warrant for your arrest!” the government agent shouted again, banging hard on the door. 

Again, Steven did not respond. He only stood there sweating while his heart pounded like mad in his chest, as he waited for them to force themselves into the apartment.

The government agents kicked down the door and rushed inside, surrounding him quickly and drawing their weapons.

“Hands up or we’ll shoot!” one of the agents shouted.

Steven made a show of putting his hands up reluctantly and looking defeated. Steven wasn’t much of an actor, but it wasn’t very difficult to appear terrified and devastated at the prospect of being taken “against his will” by these government agents. Because, he was, in actuality, still reeling from his recent ass-kicking at the hands of Jasper. He was also, legitimately, very, _very_ scared. 

Steven allowed himself to be cuffed and escorted into the back of one of the black cars. He was blindfolded (presumably so he couldn’t see where they were taking him) and he was surveyed vigilantly by one of the government agents, who kept her gun trained on him at all times. As Steven felt the car begin to roll, he could not help but feel a growing terror in the pit of his stomach. Would this plan succeed? Or was this whole fiasco just destined to become another one of his stupid, stupid mistakes? Overcome by a wave of fresh pain, and intense terror, Steven hunched forward and let out a devastated sob, which devolved into a fit of quiet hiccuping snivels. He could not help but think that Jasper would make fun of him and call him a “cry baby weenie boy” for this childish display of weakness. But, as fate would have it, being a cry baby weenie boy paid off in this instance, because the government agents didn’t seem to think it was necessary to inject him with more power-suppressing serum. Steven kept waiting for the prick of a needle in his arm, but it never came. Apparently it never occurred to the agents that Steven was pretending to be powerless. It never even crossed their minds to think that he might have intentionally allowed himself to be recaptured.

…

Steven was escorted out of the vehicle, and lead blindfolded into some kind of a building. Here, his blindfold was removed and he was shoved into a cell with two other people. 

Steven blinked the tears out of his eyes and observed his surroundings, breathing hard, and struggling to contain his panic. As his eyes adjusted to the light, he saw his cellmates more clearly. They were a slender young man with shaggy black bangs, and a short, stout, dark-skinned, pregnant woman with an eye patch.

Seeing that he was not alone, Steven smiled meekly and introduced himself in a friendly fashion:

“Hi, I’m Steven.”

“Hi, Steven,” the man answered him grimly, “I’m Max.”

“And I’m Ruby,” the woman chimed in conversationally, “Are you a gem hybrid too, Steven?”

Steven lifted his shirt to show them his gem. Ruby reciprocated by lifting her eye patch to show him the round red stone that she had in place of an eye. Then, Max swiped back his long bangs to show them a teardrop-shaped blue stone mounted in the center of his forehead. 

“Wow,” said Steven with appreciation, “I’ve never thought that there other people out there like me.”

“Gem hybrids are very rare,” Ruby said. 

It occurred to Steven that he should just blow up a wall and free these people right now, but a guard was standing just outside the cage, watching intently. It would probably be safer to wait until the guard walked away. So, instead of making an immediate escape, he decided to indulge his craving for small talk. 

Max and Ruby looked a little weirded out by the way that Steven was grinning at them, so much so that it prompted Ruby to interrupt the awkward silence with a nervous: “Um, Steven? _You, ok_?

Steven was too overwhelmed to speak for a moment. The prospect of other people who where like him existing excited him greatly, and he could not help but smile at the mere thought of having a friend or two who could really, _truly_ understand what it was like to be him. 

“Wow, This is so cool! I’d really like to chat and get to know you guys!” Steven blurted out excitedly “I mean, I have so many questions for you! What was it like for you growing up as a gem hybrid? How did you age? What did you think when your gem powers started coming out? Wow—are you pregnant, Ruby? Is that even possible for people like us? How did it happen? Who’s the dad?”

“I am,” Max chimed in very unenthusiastically.

“ _Aww_ , are you guys together?” Steven asked, still grinning. 

“Yes, but not by choice,” Max said very seriously.

“They bred us intentionally, as an experiment. To see what would happen,” Ruby explained, sounding violated by the mere recollection of the event, “Nobody knows what will happen…Maybe I’ll die. Maybe we’ll both die. Maybe it’ll be a stillbirth. Maybe it’ll be born a monster. Nobody knows. The only thing I know is that if I miscarry again, they’ll make us start all over.”

“That’s _terrible_!” Steven shouted indignantly. He was not sure what story he was expecting to hear about Ruby’s pregnancy, but it was certainly not that one, “They’re treating you like animals in a zoo!”

“Well, it beats being dissected,” said Max with a shrug. 

At this point, Steven forgot his fear completely, and became visibly angry. In his head, he pictured himself screaming, and ripping the heads off of government agents. Then, burning this facility to the ground. Apparently, the look on Steven’s face became so alarming that Max felt the urge to change the subject:

“So uh…, _Steven_ , you ok there, buddy?”

“Fine,” Steven growled.

“I haven’t met that many other gem hybrids before either,” Max admitted, “They’re pretty rare, male hybrids especially. Soooo, _curious_ , did you grow up gradually over time, or did it happen all at once like evolving into Charizard?”

“Heh. Definitely that second thing,” Steven said.

“Yeah me too,” said Max, “It was, like, scariest thing ever.”

“I had to throw away all of my old clothes and shoes,” lamented Ruby, “It was terrible.”

“But it must have been _especially_ hard for you, since you’re so stupidly huge,” Max remarked to Steven in a pleasantly commiserative tone.

The guard outside of the cage wandered away for a moment. The second he was out of sight, Steven started sweating and his heart started pounding. It was time to make the escape.

“Yeah…it was,” Steven admitted, recalling the first time he’d caught a glimpse of his drastically matured face in the bathroom mirror. Steven sighed, then added, “I have so many more questions for you guys…and so many more things that I want to say…but you know what, we’ll talk later. Right now, there isn’t any time for that.”

“Why not?” Max asked.

“Because I’ve come to rescue you,” Steven said.

There was silence for a moment. Then Max and Ruby erupted into a fit of uproarious laughter. 

“Hahaha…Did you hear that Ruby, he came to _rescue us,_ ” Max guffawed as if the idea were some kind of a big joke.

“Oh, man, _this guy_. I love this fucking guy!” Ruby exclaimed between bouts of hysterical laughter.

“I’m sorry? Did I say something funny?” Steven interrupted, sounding a little insulted.

“There’s no escape, ding dong,” Max snorted, “What you think we haven’t tried to escape before? These prisons were made to hold people like us.”

“Yeah, what did you think, you were just going to bust straight through the wall and escape out into the desert?” Ruby mocked incredulously. 

“Well, _yeah_ , actually,” Steven said. Because, in truth, that had been exactly his plan.

“Well, I’d like to see _that_ ,” Ruby said skeptically.

“Then, _stand back_ ,” Steven said, with an arch of eyebrow and a confident grin. 

Max and Ruby just stared at him and didn’t move, apparently, expecting Steven to run at the wall and knock himself out or something. 

“I said, _stand back_!” Steven shouted furiously. Ruby and Max backed away from him, looking slightly disturbed by the startling outburst. 

The second they were out of his way, Steven generated a wide, spike-covered shield and flung it at the prison wall. The wall buckled inward, and then, collapsed into rubble. As he did this, his body began to glow pink, and all of the injuries he’d sustained from Jasper’s assault quickly healed themselves. 

“Holy shit, dude. How did you do that?” Max exclaimed, “Didn’t they inject you?”

“Are there more people being held against their will here?” Steven interrupted him urgently.

“Uhh…yeah…I think so,” Max said quickly, “There’s a cage full of them down the hall.”

“Go! _Run!_ ” Steven shouted at the two gem hybrids as they looked at him with alarm and confusion. “Get as far away from here as possible!”

The two gem hybrids nodded fearfully and joined hands. Then, they fused into one, and darted off into the desert. 

Steven could hear the distant shouting of armed guards storming toward the busted cell. There must have been a security camera somewhere, recording thier escape attempt. Or maybe the loud sound of the wall being smashed out by Steven’s shield was what had tipped them off. Either way, Steven knew that he would have to defend himself, or face very serious consequences. 

As the guards surrounded him and aimed their weapons, Steven was reminded forcefully of the standoff with the police at Connie’s wedding. Remembering that trauma filled him with an intensely unpleasant level of angst, which spurned him to yell furiously and shoot a ribbon of spiked force fields at the surrounding guards. Five or six of the guards had their faces impaled on the pink spikes, and fell down dead almost instantly. 

Steven laughed in a slightly insane way as the blood from the fallen guards pooled around him, soaking his sneakers. The other guards regarded him with increased fear now, and Steven could see the profound terror in their eyes. They shot sloppy, nervous rounds of bullets at him, which he easily deflected using his force fields. 

Steven walked forward, shielded by his pink bubble. The guards parted to let him pass. They had no other choice but to do this. He was simply too powerful to be stopped.

Now Steven grinned triumphantly. The expression was slightly sinister, boarding on deranged. He should have felt _bad_ that those people he murdered were dead. He should have felt _terrible_. But, the fact was, he didn’t feel terrible at all. 

He felt fucking fabulous. 

Steven reached the cell at the end of the hallway. Effortlessly knocking out the bars and stepping through the resulting opening, felt triumphant, like ascending a grand stairway to a gilded thrown. The captive and battered gem hybrids regarded him with awe as he approached. He walked past them and blasted out the wall at the back of the prison cell like it was nothing. Then, he raised his hand and put up a wall of hexagon-shaped shields to stop the guards from coming any further.

The gem hybrids backed away from him and against the walls, as though fearful that he might lung out and slaughter them like a rabid animal. Seeing that the other hybrids were afraid of him, Steven held out his arms and disintegrated his bubble, then, announced loudly:

“Don’t be afraid! Steven’s here to help!”

There was dead silence for a few moment, and then, a boy with a round, green emerald embedded in his chest asked in a shaky, slightly incredulous voice:

“…W-who _are_ you?”

That was when Steven stood before them all and proudly claimed his heritage, as he announced:

“I’m… _The New Pink Diamond_.”


	9. EPISODE 9 : THE PINK WAR

Back in Beach City, Amethyst was sitting on the couch, in front of the television, watching Super Ultimate Wrestling. While she was doing this, she was also shoving big handfuls of popcorn into her mouth, and lots of the little kernels were getting dropped, and rolling out onto the floor.

Noticing the mess, Pearl pulled a broom and dustpan from the gem in her forehead. Then, she started aggressively sweeping around Amethyst’s general vicinity.

“Hey! You’re blocking the TV!” Amethyst complained as Pearl moved between Amethyst and the television set, to sweep up a few stray kernels. 

“Well, maybe I wouldn’t have to _block the TV_ , if you weren’t making such a big mess!” Pearl scolded exasperatedly.

“Pearl, move your big head!” Amethyst yelled as she heard one of her favorite wrestlers loudly announce his signature move. 

“How about instead, you learn to clean up after yourself!” Pearl shouted back.

It was then that Garnet entered the room. She sat down on the couch, next to Amethyst, and trained her eyes on the television set intently. Then, she announced with blunt gravitas:

“Stop bickering. Something important is about to happen.”

Detecting the seriousness in Garnet’s voice, Amethyst and Pearl immediately fell silent. 

The wrestlers on the television screen flickered, and then, the program faded to static. 

“What’s wrong with this TV?” Amethyst complained.

“Shhh…,” Garnet silenced her, still watching the television screen very intently.

The static on the television faded and was replaced by a new broadcast. The silhouette of a large, glowing, pink man appeared on the screen. As the picture came into sharper focus, it became immediately apparent that this man was Steven.

“Hello,” Steven said as though gearing up to address a crowd, “My name is Steven Universe, _but_ …you will soon come to know me as _The New Pink Diamond_ , Son of Pink Diamond, and rightful dictator of this planet, _her colony_. Don’t bother trying to change the channel, or turn off your device. I am currently broadcasting this message to every television, computer, tablet, and cell phone on planet Earth.”

“ _My baby_!” Pearl blurted out in a panic. Then, she began to talk very, very fast, and hyperventilate as she exclaimed regretfully, “Garnet, what’s happened to my baby! I _knew_ we shouldn’t have let him live away from home! But two years is _nothing_ -I didn’t think something like this could happen in that much time-how could this happen-how could he do this to us-I should have been with him _this entire time_! 

“Shhh…” Garnet said with an heir of tense calm, “Let’s see what he has to say.”

Steven’s intense halo of glowing pink curls was very reminiscent of Pink’s as he addressed the people of Earth in a serious, confident, official manner. The intimidating girth of supernaturally huge body filled nearly the entire screen. And the normal-sized chair that he was sitting in, looked just about ready to snap. He stood up and walked to the window of what looked to be an apartment building, then, Jasper (who had been standing there, apparently prepared for this dramatic reveal) pulled open the shade.

Outside, an army of Steven-shaped vegetable men were running through the streets, fighting the United States military. The sound of gun fire, and cannons going off filled the air, as hundreds of cactus men sprayed their needles at waves of American soldiers. 

“Right now,” Steven said, turning the address his audience once more, “My armies are targeting every government and world leader on planet Earth. If you value your lives and the lives of your children, I implore you to _stand down_ , and allow your governments to _fall_! People of Earth, you may be frightened _right now_ , but… _in time_ , you will discover that this new world order is the best thing for you. Your governments are unjust and in need of reformation. Your leaders are corrupt, selfish, lecherous old misers, who only care about getting richer, and don’t care who they have to hurt to accomplish that goal! They _don’t_ have your best interest at heart!”

Steven paused dramatically, to stare at his perceived audience, and the broadcast zoomed in to a close-up of his glowing face. His diamond-shape pupils, combined with the unearthly radiance of his intense pink glow, made him a strange presence, as he concluded his speech with chilling finality: “No…it is _I_ , The New Pink Diamond, who has your best interest at heart…”

Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl gasped in unison, as a massive mushroom cloud erupted, somewhere outside of the building.

“….And I am _not_ your enemy!,” Steven finished dramatically.

Then, the broadcast faded to static. 


	10. EPISODE 10 : BROKEN HEARTS AND SHOWER DRAINS

Three days after Steven officially launched his assault on planet Earth, Jasper saluted him and congratulated him on this great achievement by saying: 

“My Diamond, you have shown a great strength! I am proud to see that you now understand the importance of not shying away from bloodshed and brutality to achieve your goals. Your power and determination will be the subject of legend for millennia to come! 

“…I’m not so sure I did the right thing, Jasper. It’s only been three days and there are already so many civilian casualties,” Steven lamented remorsefully. Currently, he was sitting in a chair of his own design, comprised of pink force fields. It bore a strong similarity to the pointed, translucent thrones of the four original diamonds.

“…You mustn’t think that way, My Diamond! These sacrifices are for the greater good!” Jasper insisted enthusiastically. 

“Well…I suppose you’re right,” Steven conceded. He had to admit, he was expecting this whole taking over the world thing to be a hell of a lot easier. He thought that the people would give up resisting him right away, once he demonstrated his god-like powers. But that didn’t seem to be happening. Instead, people were laying down their lives left and right to protect their governments. 

Since launching the war, Steven and his supporters had moved their stronghold, form Steven’s original modest, slightly sad apartment, to a penthouse apartment at the apex of one of the most expensive high rises in the city. Here, Steven’s highest ranking soldiers (usually anyone who wasn’t a mindless vegetable clone) discussed their attack plans, and brought him news of their success or failure in various battles for territory. 

Steven spent a lot of his time these days, making hard decisions about battle-related things that he didn’t feel in anyway qualified to make decisions about. Outwardly, Steven tried to be confident leader that he knew his supporters needed him to be. But, on the inside, he was screaming, pulling out his hair, and losing his mind, thinking about all of the life-or-death decrees he had made, pretty much at random, or based purely on a gut feeling, because he didn’t know anything about war or being in the military and he didn’t know what the hell he was talking about _ever_. Whatever Steven’s loyal soldiers believed about him, the truth was that he was 100% clueless 100% of the time.

This whole plan to reclaim Pink’s colony as his own had escalated into a massive, globally destructive mess before Steven even really knew what was happening. And he was certainly having some second thoughts now that he understood just how big a sacrifice his “greater good” would require. But, now that he had started this whole process, he couldn’t very well just _back out of it_. This wasn’t the kind of decision you could just reverse, with an “I’m sorry” and a box of chocolates. 

Instead of expressing his nagging doubts openly, Steven forced a confident grin and made a genuine effort to own the situation. He enjoyed the respect of those individuals who chose to serve under him, and acquired an air of cocky masculine bravado, which grew more intolerable by the day, as those around him continued to feed his growing ego.

Steven spent much of his time now, bathing the adoration of people who perceived him as a god. His supporters came to him for advice and instructions. They listened intently to everything he said, and regarded him with a high level of respect, usually reserved for the diamonds of old. So, when Steven became moody and unreasonable, the people surrounding him usually responded by groveling and begging his forgiveness. 

A gem hybrid with a purple stone embedded in her forehead, kneeled before Steven’s throne and flashed him the diamond solute.

“My Diamond,” she said, “I have brought you the snack you requested, unfortunately however, I was unable to find the _exact_ thing that you were looking for. Cookie Cat Classics have been discontinued in Korea now, as well as the United States and there are no listings currently on EBay. I was able to find these Lion Lickers, however.”

Steven, who was already freaking out about how quickly his stupid idea to rule all of humanity had gotten out of hand, could not take this news and reacted with an unreasonable amount of disproportionate anger:

“ _What?_ Don’t say you found them if you haven’t really found them! Lion licker are _not_ Cookie Cat Classics! This crap displeases Pink Diamond! Pink Diamond is _displeased_!” 

The hybrid bowed and apologized humbly before Steven’s thrown:

“I’m sorry, My Diamond. I will return to Korea and continue my search.”

The hybrid turned and exited the grand apartment building. The second she was gone, Steven breathed a shaky sigh of relief and the pink stress glow radiating from his body faded slowly to nonexistence. Pretending to be calm and collected about all of this was really taking its toll him, and he was very glad that his soldiers, advisers, and supporters had left the apartment for the day. 

Steven rose from his thrown and it disintegrated. He trudged over to the bathroom, and disrobed to shower, pulling his shirt over his mop of messy curls, and dropping his massive trousers on the floor. Now totally naked, he walked over to the toilet, and aimed his wiener to relieve himself. However, before he could do so, the sight of something very disturbing made him hesitate.

There was a piece of folded printer paper floating near the center of the toilet bowl, just above the surface of the water. The word “LiEs” was scribbled on it in angry, sloppy, demented-looking red letters.

Before Steven had time to put together what was going on, Spinel had crept up behind him, stretching a considerable height, then, clocking him over the noggin with both fists. Startled by the sudden, unexpected attack, Steven’s knees buckled and he fell head-first into the toilet bowl.

Steven yelled out indignantly and flipped around, spitting a mouthful of toilet water out onto the bathroom floor. As soon as he did this, Spinel angrily slapped him across the face. And shouted:

“Steven Universe, _you broke you heart_ , now I’m going to _break your bones_!”

Steven awkwardly staggered to his feet and put up a force field to protect himself.

“You _poofed me_ and left me _on the ground_! I woke up in a _jewelry store_! A _jewelry store_ , Steven! Why don’t you _like_ me! Wasn’t I _good_ human girlfriend? Didn’t I smile enough? Didn’t I laugh at all of your stupid jokes?” Spinel shouted indignantly. Spinel’s regenerated physical form had changed slightly since the last time he had seen her. Her messy red pigtails were now a pair of spade-shaped buns. The black tear marks around her eyes were now sloppy, angry, black X’s, and she wore a permanent pink and red formal party dress, with a flirty scoop neck and a lacy knee-length skirt. The look in her blood red eyes was positively deranged. 

“No, after you were poofed, I put you in my pocket. You must have fallen out when I passed out and dropped out of the sky,” Steven attempted to explain.

“A likely story!”

Steven put down his shield and attempted to reason with her. 

“ _Spinel_ — ”

Spinel sprang up and slapped Steven in the face again before he could finish. He touched the pink mark left on his face with his hand before it immediately healed. Then, she slapped him again, on the other side of his face with the back of her hand. Tears gathered in the corners of her black-ringed eyes and she screamed:

“Fine, _keep healing yourself_! I can do this _all day_!”

Spinet raised her hand to slap Steven in the face again, but this time, Steven grabbed her by the wrist to stop her. Spinel struggled to pull away from his grip but found that she could not. Steven’s huge meaty hand overpowered her dainty pink one easily.

“Let _me_ go! So I can _strangle_ you!” Spinel shouted. 

“I don’t want to hurt you Spinel. Don’t _make me_ hurt you,” Steven growled. 

“Let go!”

“No, Spinel, let’s talk about this,” Steven said, still holding Spinel’s wrist very tightly in his clenched fist. 

“You want to talk, huh, Steve-o? Fine then, let’s talk about how— _you’re a dick_!” Spinel shouted, “I’ve been watching you _for days_! And all you do is sit around and send people out to die while you brood about how hard and terrible _your life_ is! Ooh, look at me I’m _Steven Universe_ , I need people to tell me how great and wonderful I am at every second of the day or I have a _mental breakdown_!”

“You’ve been watching me, _for days_?” Steven repeated with a hint of alarm, dropping Spinel’s wrist and putting up a pink force field to protect himself again. 

“Well, yeah, _but let’s not get distracted by that_!” Spinel admitted a little shamefully.

“ _How_ did you get in here! _How long_ were you watching me!” Steven demanded indignantly, feeling more than a little violated. Suddenly, he became intensely aware that he was still completely naked, and he blushed, covering his crotch with both of his hands.

“Let’s not get distracted by that!” Spinel shouted again.

“What have you been _doing_ all of this time?” Steven demanded again. Suddenly his recent and suspicious underwear shortage took on a whole new meaning. He could not help but imagine that Spinel had acquired quite the collection by this point. 

“None of your beeswax, Mr. Man!” Spinel deflected annoyingly.

“What are you doing with my underpants, Spinel?” Steven demanded.

“Well, if you _must_ know, _I’m building a fort_!” Spinel shouted back as though this were the most reasonable thing in the world that she could be doing. She spoke as though somehow _not_ doing this would be the insane option. 

Steven noticed with some level of discomfort that Spinel seemed to be fiddling with something in her pocket. He could not help but wonder if the thing that she was fiddling with was a stolen pair of his underpants. 

“Um…Spinel? _What’s in your pocket_?” Steven asked nervously. 

“Why don’t you drop that shield so I can bash your brains in?” Spinel deflected.

“No, really though. What is it?” Steven asked again, as morbid curiosity had gotten the better of him. 

Spinel pulled the item out of her pocket to reveal that it was, in fact, a soggy clump of wet black curls, undoubtedly a hair clog from Steven’s shower drain. 

“It’s Steven hair,” Spinel confessed, “I’m saving it for a voodoo doll, but also, sometimes I kiss it a lot.”

Hearing this, Steven dropped his shield and chuckled in a slightly exhausted way. 

“Is there something _funny_ about that?” Spinel demanded furiously, her frightening red eyes welling with tears, “You wanna’ tell me another charming fairy tail about your species’ toilet rituals, huh funny guy? Oh, look everybody, laugh at Spinel, isn’t she just a big, fat, stupid idiot! Nobody likes Spinel! Nobody wants to go on a date with Spinel! Let’s _lock her in the bathroom_ , and so that I can try and _make out with the bride_!”

Spinel let out a sob and the tears gathering in the corners of her eyes dripped down her pink face. Seeing this, Steven’s expression softened, and he felt a pang of remorse. So, he held his arms and said:

“You know what, if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll let you punch me. You get one free shot. Go a head. Make it hurt.”

Steven closed his eyes and braced for impact.

“No…I don’t want to anymore,” Spinel sniffled, shaking her head vigorously.

“You sure?”

“Uh huh,” Spinel sniffled.

Spinel wiped her face and straightened up. Then, beheld Steven’s continued nudity with unsettling, hungry eyes. Seeing the way her gaze lingered on his crotch, Steven blushed and took a step backward. 

“I didn’t just come here for revenge, you know. I was sent here, on a mission, from the Diamonds,” Spinel said, “But then I saw you…and I just…I just…I don’t know, I couldn’t handle it. So, hid in the walls for a few days. But now that I’m talking to you…I might as well just give you my message and return home.”

“Your message?” Steven repeated with curiosity.

“Yeah, I come bearing a message from White Diamond,” Spinel explained, then, she handed Steven an official-looking scroll with a white seal, “She says you’re in violation of her treaty with the governments of Earth, and that she wants you to _stop_. Right now. Call off your armies. Release your prisoners. Return your conquered territories. You have one week. Or their will be _dire consequences_.”

Hearing this, Steven grew visibly angry. He opened the scroll from White Diamond, read it quickly, and then, ripped in half and threw the pieces on the ground.

“I recommend you do what she says. She’s scary mad at you right now,” Spinel advised grimly.

“Every continent of this planet is governed by corrupt, money grubbing, aristocracy,” Steven fumed, a very dangerous and frightening look contorting his features, “The poor starve by the millions. The sick die without care, and the governments take and take from the people, without giving back what is owed. Under my rule, _none of these things would continue to happen_. White Diamond should support what I’m doing! _I’m a hero!_ I’m the _hero_ of this story!”

Hearing this, Spinel laughed and laughed and snorted and slapped her thigh, as though this were the funniest thing that she had ever heard. Then, she said with irony and bitterness in her voice: “You’re not a hero, Steven. You’re a big pink _psycho_.”

“Well that’s rich, coming from _you_ ,” Steven replied dryly, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes.

“You think about the world too simply, Steven,” Spinel said, taking the clump of Steven’s shower drain hair out of her pocket and inhaling it with undignified gusto, “It’s easy to pass judgment on systems of government when you don’t know the first thing about government and you’ve never had to run one. It’s easy to say that you would do better. But actually doing better…that’s another thing entirely. Your ego’s gotten so big that you think of yourself as some perfect, benevolent hero. But you’re not as perfect as you _think you are_ , old buddy, old pal. Consider the possibility that maybe… _maybe_ a Steven run world is not the cure-all solution to everyone’s problems that you think it is. Consider for a moment that this whole war that you started is just a bunch of chaos and bloodshed for more of the same. You know, _just like every other war_.” 

“You’re wrong, Spinel,” Steven said with confidence, “And you should know that. You’ve been watching me, _haven’t you_?”

“Well, in the shower mostly, but sure,” Spinel conceded. 

“Well, didn’t you _also_ see how I inspired all of these people to rise up? Didn’t you see how good and fair a leader I am? Didn’t you see how I treat my people with the respect and patience that they deserve?” Steven insisted. 

“I saw you have a tantrum about a box of ice cream sandwiches,” Spinel replied with an honest shrug.

Steven didn’t have a great come back for this. So instead, he growled very angrily:

“Get the hell out of my apartment, _Spinel_.”

Hearing this, Spinel scowled and retreated from the room. She would return to Homeworld and relay Steven’s message of defiance to White Diamond, but not before grabbing Steven’s final pair of underpants off of the bathroom floor, and waltzing away with it, draped over her head like a hat.

Now, Steven trudged into the shower and tried to wash off all of the uncomfortable events of the last twenty minutes or so. White Diamond would be coming to try and end his uprising very soon, and this was a complication that Steven was not looking forward to. White Diamond was the most powerful being in all creation and the mother of all diamonds. If anyone in the galaxy was a match for Steven’s maxed-out powers, it was her. Now as Steven stood in the shower, looking morose and anticipating this new threat. He was frightened. He had no idea what he was doing. And he was about to do battle with the most powerful being in all of existence. But the worst part was, _he had no underpants left_.

Not one single solitary pair. 


	11. INTERMISSION

_< >_

_Yes, hello, this is me, the author, speaking to you directly now._

_This story has enjoyed more audience involvement so far than any other story that I have dropped on this website. I just wanted to take this time to thank you, my audience, for voicing so much enthusiasm and support for my humble, apocryphal rendition of Steven Universe Future Future._

_Before I proceed any further, here’s a couple of things that those of you who are invested in this story might like to know about me, 1) I’m very jaded and cynical, and 2) I’m not usually big on happy endings. So, yeah, I had originally planned to end this novella in a very specific way. However, that ending is not necessarily the one that you were rooting for. In fact, (if some of your more passionate comments are any indication) that ending would have made many of you quite angry._

_And so, I have decided to wash my hands of this decision, and instead, hand the reigns of this story over to you, my audience. **Steven is about to fight White Diamond for supremacy of The Earth and Home World.** **How should these events conclude? Will Steven succeed or fail? Drop your comments below to vote your preference.** I’m going to leave this up for a few days while I draw some illustrations for this story. When, I return, I will count your votes, read your suggestions, and then, based upon what I read, compose the concluding chapters of this novella._

_Until then, happy nerding._

_< >_


	12. EPISODE 11 : STEVEN FREAKS OUT

After having a panic attack and a good cry, Steven stepped out of the shower and dried himself off.

He walked to his bedroom and checked all of the drawers of his cabinets for clean underpants. However, Spinel seemed to have absconded with every pair plus size briefs that he possessed, including the embarrassing stained ones and the ones with holes in them that he was too lazy to throw out. No undergarment, it seemed, was too used or too damaged to line Spinel’s “fort”.

Before resigning himself to the sad, inconvenient fact that he would have no piece of cloth to hold up his balls now, Steven stared wistfully into his empty underwear drawer and willed his briefs to regenerate themselves. _Maybe_ , he thought to himself, _making underpants appear is another one of my god-like powers that I haven’t discovered yet_. _Maybe, if I stand here and stare at the empty drawer for long enough, some new underpants will magically spawn._

Steven stood there for a great deal longer than was strictly practical, and waited for this new underpants-generating ability to kick in. However, it never did. It seemed, when it came to restocking briefs, his capabilities were equal to that of a common human. 

Realizing that he was doomed to be inconvenienced by this, just like an _ordinary_ schmuck, Steven kicked the empty drawer angrily and it splinted into fragments. He yelled profanity and threw a sloppy punch at a bedroom mirror, shattering it. The jagged pieces of the broken mirror cascaded onto the carpet and gathered at his glowing feet in large piles. 

Steven angrily kicked his way through the broken glass, then, picked his cell phone off of the bedside table, and rage-dialed Jasper.

“Jasper!” Steven yelled into the receiver. 

“Yes, My Diamond!” Jasper shouted back dutifully, like a soldier responding to her commanding officer’s address.

“I need you to go to the store and buy me some new underwear!” Steven shouted angrily, “Right now!”

“My Diamond, the local stores don’t stock briefs in your size,” Jasper explained with a tone of grave seriousness. In her mind, not being able to provide Steven with something that he desperately wanted immediately was a tragedy equal to that of a mass genocide. 

“ _What_?” Steven replied indignantly, as his impotent rage and crippling anxiety mounted “Are you sure? _Did you check?_ ”

“My Diamond, these puny human stores do not stock briefs in your size. They cater exclusively to shrimpy, weak, human men, with small, inferior butts,” Jasper lamented, “If you want to fit into the inferior man’s butt garments, I’m afraid, you’ll shape shift a size or two down.”

Steven muttered to himself as having to shape-shift himself into a smaller-than-usual pair of underpants was a waste of his energy and more uncomfortable and inconvenient than just going commando. Plus he couldn’t risk freaking out and losing control of his shape-shift in front of people. Because then he would split his briefs, and the elastic would suffer irreparable damage. This was just not an issue that Steven wanted to be dealing with while he was poised to fight some of the most powerful people in the universe. 

“Did you check Big Al’s Plus Size Men’s Depo?” Steven asked Jasper desperately, pulling a pair of striped pajama bottoms over the generous curve of his bare, glowing ass. 

“Unfortunately, Big Al’s Plus Size Men’s Depo was blown up in one your raids. Big Al, unfortunately, did not survive the blast,” Jasper informed Steven dutifully. 

“Fuck,” Steven swore, pulling a striped pajama top over his thick, muscled arms, and then, buttoning it over his imposing chest. 

“I could order more of your precious butt garments online, but delivery might take a few days. Should I find a morbidly obese person, break into their house, and steal their underpants for you, My Diamond?” Jasper suggested helpfully.

“Gross. No,” Steven muttered, turning down the suggestion as quickly as possible. The idea of wearing a pair of someone else’s used underpants bothered him immensely, especially considering the fact that, in this scenario, _Jasper_ would be the one selecting said used pair of underpants.

“Then, might I suggest wearing a second pair of regular-sized pants under your original pair of pants?” Jasper offered as another possible solution. 

“What do I look like, Jasper, _a mental patient_?” Steven demanded angrily throwing up his hands in exasperation. 

“My Diamond, you look like _a Steven_ ,” Jasper replied, apparently not grasping that the question was rhetorical, “Maybe, shape-shift yourself a pair of briefs? Or, you could just retract all the dangly bits in the front?”

“Why don’t _you_ retract _your_ dangly bits in the front!” Steven lashed out viciously. 

“Um? Because _I don’t have any_?” Jasper replied with confusion, as she was unaware that this was a passive aggressive jab, and also, utterly bewildered by Steven’s burst of anger at her innocent suggestion. 

“Right, right. Sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you. It’s just that…this really, _really_ sucks,” Steven sighed, sitting down on the edge of his bed, and staring morosely off into the distance. All he wanted was a simple pair of underpants. Surely, a god-like being of unfathomable power, such as himself, was worthy of a simple pair of comfortable briefs; something to stop his ass from chafing against the stitching of his jean pockets; something to protect his dick from getting caught in the zipper of his fly. He already had so much stress bearing down on him because of this whole taking over the world thing. Did he really need the added stress of having no dick and ball support piled up on top of that? Surely, no being alive, human or gem, was capable of comprehending the magnitude of Steven’s unbearable suffering.

…

The next morning, Steven woke up and grumbled to himself continually, as he changed into his daytime pants. They were very uncomfortable without underwear, and Steven was extremely distracted by it. 

Steven generated a throne of pink force fields and sat down, looking very perturbed and forlorn. 

“My Diamond, I see that you’re in a worse mood than usual today,” A girl with a green gem for a nose commented with a jovial smirk as she entered the apartment along with a handful of Steven’s other supporters.

“That’s insubordination. Go outside and run a lap around the building!” Steven snapped angrily at her, as he was still thinking about how stressed he was and how everything in this reality, including his own underpants, seemed to exist purely to hurt him. 

The girl flashed Steven the diamond solute, and then, did what she was told. 

Steven proceeded to sit there for a few hours, brooding his misfortune, and not really paying attention, while his other supporters briefed him on the progress of the war. He let all of their information about oversees activities just kind of wash over him, while he fantasized about poofing Spinel, and then, throwing her gem out into the ocean. 

“My Diamond, your plant armies have taken the governor’s house in North Stateselvania,” one of Steven’s supporters announced, flashing him a respectful diamond solute, and then, bowing his head in reverence. 

“Huh…sure, good, good,” Steven grunted in acknowledgement. Because he was not really paying attention, in truth, he was currently caught up in an internal diatribe about how he would rather be literally _anyone else_ right now.

“The next move, My Diamond, is to attack the White House,” the hybrid continued, “If we can unseat President Dick Greenbucks, then, The United States is yours.”

Hearing this, Steven, snapped back to reality. 

“We plan to launch our attack tomorrow morning,” the hybrid informed him earnestly, “My Diamond, how should we proceed?”

Steven contemplated this for a moment. As he pondered the potential battle strategies left available to him, he could not help but recall something that Spinel had said to him in the bathroom:

_I’ve been watching you_ for _days! And all you do is sit around and **send people out to die** while you brood about how hard and terrible **your** life is!_

Steven, could not help but consider the possibility that Spinel had a point. Was it cowardly of him to hide behind his plant armies and his devout soldiers, while they did all of the dirty work for him? Was it cowardly of him to avoid the battle field, when he knew that he was possibly more powerful alone, than many of his supporters combined?

Steven contemplated this for a moment, before deciding that it was probably his responsibility as the leader of this revolution to lead the charge. 

“As I am the diamond of this colony, I think that it is only proper that I lead the charge on The White House tomorrow,” Steven announced officially, standing up, and clutching his meaty hands into fists, so that his pink throne disintegrated into nonexistence.

As this happened, Steven’s supporters erupted into a barrage of cheers. 

Steven grinned confidently, and strolled around the room with a level of swagger, confidence, and authority appropriate to his high station. However, inwardly, he could not completely suppress his nagging doubts.

_It’s fine. It’s fine, Steven you’re going to be fine_ , Steven muttered to himself inwardly as he smiled and shook the hands of some of his top generals, _you’re a diamond, you’re one of the most powerful creatures in existence. And this is your destiny. There’s no way the United States military will be able to stop you. You’ll be fine._

Steven’s smile faltered for a moment, as his traitorous brain assaulted with the possibility of a potential complication: 

_Yeah, right, ok. But then, what if you see blood when you go out there? Huh? What if you see people suffering, and crying, and cursing your name? Then, what if you see dead bodies, huh, Steven? Then, you’ll have to face the fact that you’re a murderer. You’re a mass murderer._

When Steven was finished shaking the hands of his top generals, he regenerated his pink throne and sat back down. More of his supporters gave him information about things that were happening on battle fields in various parts of the world. Steven didn’t listen to the vast majority of these things. He was too busy being tormented by his own condescending internal voice:

_What if the humans don’t see you as their savior, huh? What if they see you an unwelcome monster; a ruthless alien invader? What if you see all of that when you’re out there in the field, and you can’t handle it, and lose your nerve?_

_TShut up, Steven. This war is just,_ Steven argued with himself aggressively. _These sacrifices are unfortunate but they are necessary for the greater good._

The girl with the purple rock embedded in her forehead approached Steven’s thrown with a respectful solute, interrupting his internal diatribe. 

“My Diamond,” she said, “I come bearing a message for you from General Jasper.”

Up until this point, Steven had been too distracted by his tragic underpants shortage to notice that Jasper was not present among his followers today. He glanced around to look for her, but this only confirmed the troubling fact that she was not there. 

“Where’s Jasper?” Steven asked the hybrid, with a hint of distress.

“She sent me to tell you that she is feeling ill and will not be attending your meeting for another um… _two to five shipping days_?”

“ _What?_ ” Steven muttered incredulously.

“That was the message she left me with. I know the phrasing is odd,” the hybrid confirmed apologetically, “Oh, right. And also, she told me to give you _this_.”

The hybrid handed Steven a folded pair of bright orange briefs, and then, bowed before his throne respectfully. Steven’s whole face erupted in a deep pink blush. Then, he attempted to laugh off this humiliation pretty unsuccessfully. The people in the room turned to look at him and his blush deepened. Then, he discretely shoved the briefs down the front of his shirt, and tried to pretend like this had not just happened. Despite his best efforts, however, the incriminating blush persisted. 

“Jasper told me to tell you to put those on until the ones she ordered you arrive in the mail,” the hybrid completed her message somberly.

“Hahaha…,” Steven laughed nervously, still blushing hard and wishing that the people in the room would stop staring at him with those confused and judgmental looks, “Well…it’s sweet that she’s looking out for me, I guess.”

Later that day, after his supporters retired for the night, Steven returned to his bedroom, disrobed, and pulled on the orange briefs. As he did this, he breathed a sigh of relief and fell down on his mattress face-first, falling asleep almost instantly. The feeling of the orange fabric against his large behind was strangely comforting, and not unlike the powerful embrace of a battle-hardened friend.

…

That night, Steven dreamed that he was in President Dick Greenbucks’ body. He sat up, stared down at his pruney hands, and panicked. Then, jumped out of bed and rushed to the nearest bathroom to check his reflection. 

“Oh… _no_ …” Steven murmured as he stared at his reflection in an overly elaborate White House mirror. A 65-year-old man with thinning grey hair stared back. Steven touched his face. The old man in the mirror touched his own face in the exact way. 

Steven grinned evilly as it occurred to him that this was not a dream. He really _was_ in President Greenbucks’ body. 

Steven wandered out of the bedroom in President Greenbucks pajamas. Then, he walked to the exit of the building, where he aggressively refused the secret security protection that was offered to him at the door. 

Now outside the White House, Steven proceeded to drive as far away as possible. He then got very, very lost, broke his glasses in half, locked himself in an abandoned tool shed, and then, handcuffed himself and swallowed the key. 

…

In the morning, Steven woke up in his own body. He looked down at his big, meaty hands, and breathed a sigh of relief. Then, he darted back to the bathroom and checked his reflection, just to be sure that he was really himself again. 

Steven pulled on a pair of pants over the orange underwear that jasper had purchased for him. Then, he pulled a black t-shirt over his wild fro of black curls. He walked into the living room and generated his throne of pink force fields, so that it was facing the television set. 

Then, he picked up the remote and turned on the news. Every station on television had only one thing to say, over and over again, at nauseam:

“The President of the United States, Dick Greenbucks, was discovered missing this morning, and is presumed dead. Efforts to locate him, so far, have remained unsuccessful.”

Hearing this, Steven grinned evilly. His heart was racing, his blood was pumping, he had orange underpants on, and he was _ready_. 

Ready to take over The United States of America.


	13. EPISODE 12 : THE SUNGLASSES

That night, Garnet had a very upsetting vision. She saw a possible future where Steven fought White Diamond, and lost, almost immediately. He insulted her; called her a big white Hitler, among other things, and wounded her considerable pride, causing her to spiral into a mindless rage, and shatter him with a single punch.

As the vision faded, Garnet wiped the streaming tears off of her face, and attempted to calm herself. The image of her precious baby boy being so casually slaughtered filled her with terror and despair. And so, she took the warp pad to Home World, intent on persuading White Diamond to spare Steven’s life. 

Garnet entered White Diamond’s throne room, where the massive intergalactic dictator was sitting on her large, translucent throne, looking slightly bored.

“Ah, Garnet, what brings you to my throne room this day?” White Diamond inquired pleasantly. She smiled radiantly, and carried herself with a great deal of confidence and poise, despite the fact that she was possibly about to go to war with a challenger.

“I’ve come to bargain for Steven’s life,” Garnet replied very seriously. 

Hearing this, White Diamond let out a condescending little chuckle. 

“ _Argue for Steven’s life_ ,” White Diamond mocked good-naturedly, “The boy is not a threat to me. He’s spirited, yes, a bit of a brat, _maybe_. But I would _never_ hurt him. He is family, after all.”

“Well, I saw a future where you did hurt him. I saw a future where you _killed_ him,” Garnet argued passionately. 

“Calm yourself, Starlight, such a future could never come to pass,” White Diamond assured Garnet, with a condescending wave of her hand. She was still smiling that patronizing smile, “If he doesn’t back down, I intend to put him back in his place, yes. But I would _never_ kill him.” 

“Please, I need you to promise that you won’t fight him. You might _accidentally_ kill him. Steven might be very strong, but he’s not a match for you in a battle of brawn. Trust me, I’ve _seen_ what could happen!”

“You can’t be trusted, Starlight. Your loyalty is to the boy and to the boy alone. You have never cared for me, nor have you respected my reign. So, forgive me, but _I don’t believe you_ ,” White Diamond said, though her condescending grin did not flicker. She spoke with the intonation of a matron talking down to a small child. 

“My Diamond, I will pledge my loyalty to you and you alone, from this day, until my dying day, if you promise to spare my sweet little Steven,” Garnet said, flashing White diamond a solute, and then, bowing low before her throne. 

White Diamond paused as though to contemplate this. Then replied:

“I will agree to these terms. But first, you must prove your loyalty. Tell me, what is Steven’s weakness? How can I defeat him without a fight?”

Garnet rose to her feet, and then, sighed, as she resigned herself to divulge a secret about Steven that she had been keeping to herself for quite some time. Garnet removed her sunglasses, and then, she said, somewhat anti-climatically:

“I’m sure you’ve noticed that I wear sunglasses.”

“Yes, Starlight. I’ve noticed that you wear sunglasses,” White Diamond talked down pleasantly.

“Well, there’s a funny story about that actually. You see, when I went to live among the humans on planet Earth, wearing sunglasses covered my three eyes and helped me blend in. So, I was wearing them when Rose met Greg, and then, when Steven was born, and when he was a baby…we noticed right away that he had some semblance of gem abilities. He would glow some times…and when he got a little bit older, he turned his fingers into cats. I also started to notice…that people had a very hard time saying ‘no’ to Steven. When he asked someone to do something for him enough times, or told people that they should behave in a certain way…they would just kind of…end up doing what he told them. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it, Steven was sweet, and he cared a lot about people. He was good at pulling at their heartstrings. The boy had the makings of a master diplomat or a very effective therapist…or so _I thought_.”

“Is this story going to be much longer, Starlight?” White Diamond interrupted with a yawn.

“Patience, My Diamond. I’m getting to the point,” Garnet said, and then, she continued: “As I was saying, I thought that Steven was just _very persuasive_. But I soon discovered…that I was _very wrong_. As it turns out, Steven is a _hell of a lot more_ than that just persuasive. I figured out the truth not long before he left Beach City….It happened one day, when Steven was about 16. He had a fight with Amethyst over video games or something like that. And he yelled something not very nice at her…told her to break all of her games…and bury them in the yard. Then, he left the house. And, after he did…she did _exactly_ what he told her to. She smashed every game and buried the pieces in the yard. And the whole time she had this look on her face, like she was helpless. Like she didn’t know what she was doing. Like she couldn’t stop herself. Nothing I said to her would make her stop, until she’d finished following through with the order. That’s when I _finally_ understood the truth. Steven didn’t use his skills of diplomacy to convert you or your soldiers to his will, My Diamond. He _used mind control_. Without meaning to. And without understanding what was really happening. Steven doesn’t know he has this power. He’s always prided himself on being able to reason with people…and I’ve never had the heart to tell him…that most likely… _mind control_ had more to do with his victory over youthan _reason_. I never told him about what happened with Amethyst. And I never voiced my suspicions about what happened around anyone else either, because Steven was going through a hard time back then…and I didn’t want people to distance themselves from him…because they were afraid of his power. I was afraid that by doing that, I would just be making things worse.”

“I see…,” White Diamond mused, “I have always wondered why, after countless millennia of not taking advice from anyone…I suddenly had a compulsion to start running my colony in such a drastically different way. In hindsight, the little brat telepathically bending me to his will, makes _perfect sense_.”

“And that brings me back to the sunglasses,” Garnet said, pulling her sunglasses off for dramatic effect, “I’ve noticed that I’m the only person with the ability to say ‘no’ to Steven. And I think it’s because he has to look people directly in the eye to manipulate their will. I’ve noticed….that when I’m wearing these, he _can’t control me_. And so, when you face him on the battlefield, My Diamond, I suggest you do the same.”

“My, my, Starlight. That’s _was_ very useful information. You truly _have_ proven your loyalty to me. As a reward for this generous piece of advice, I will see to it that your Steven suffers no severe physical harm on the battlefield,” White Diamond agreed.

“I had my doubts about coming to see you about this. But now, I can see that the timeline I was dreading has vanished from my future vision, and is no longer a potential future reality. Thank you, My Diamond. I’m so relieved,” Garnet exhaled gratefully, putting her sunglasses back on, so that they obscured her three eyes.

“I am a diamond of my word, Starlight.”

Garnet flashed White Diamond the solute, then, inclined her head in respectful recognition, before retreating to the warp pad. Upon returning home, Garnet immediately summoned Amethyst and Pearl to the living room for a family meeting. Now, Amethyst and Pearl sat on the couch, staring at her with tense, worried expressions as she explained the situation to them.

“We can’t keep ignoring this problem,” Garnet said very seriously, as she paced the floor, “Steven’s broken White Diamond’s treaty with the governments of Earth, once again, igniting the war between humans and gems. White is _not_ happy. And, if she gets to Steven before we do, I believe she _will_ make him suffer.”

“Have you checked in your future vision?” Amethyst asked earnestly.

“I have, and there are several unpleasant possibilities, in which some very bad things happen to Steven, and some very bad things happen to Earth,” Garnet replied, “I won’t trouble you with any of the gory details.”

“Oh, God! How did this happen, Garnet! How did we get here! What happened to Steven! _Where_ did I go wrong! Oh…he used to be such a good boy…” Pearl fretted neurotically, tears pricking the corners of her eyes. 

Pearl let out a gasp of despair and the tears pricking the corners of her eyes rolled down her pale face. Garnet put her hands on Pearl’s shoulders to calm her. Then, said very earnestly:

“It’s ok, Pearl. It’s _ok_. Steven is still a good boy _deep down_. If we talk to him about this. Maybe he’ll see reason.”

“But what if he doesn’t listen to us, man?” Amethyst blurted out worriedly, “What if he wants to _fight_?”

Garnet took her hands off of Pearl’s trembling shoulders, straightened up, and readjusted her sunglasses coolly. Then, she replied:

“Then, we’ll just have to gang up on him and drag him back home, kicking and screaming."


	14. EPISODE 13 : THE FIGHT FOR THE WHITE HOUSE

Meanwhile, at The White House, Steven’s armies had already subdued the United States military. 

Amid the firing of artillery shells, and the exploding of sentient cactus monsters, a giant man, riding a pink lion shot spike-covered force fields at hoards of his enemies, effortlessly crushing them by the hundreds. The scene was positively apocalyptic. And, in fact, many of the terrified civilians who watched this madness through the windows of their crumbling houses, began to regard Steven as the first of the four horse men of the apocalypse, come to herald the end times.

Having devastated his rivals to the point of surrender, Steven rode his pink lion up the side of the White House, and directly into the oval office. Here, he sat down in the president's chair and savored his bitter-sweet victory. A confusing mixture of pride, remorse, despair, and ecstasy assaulted his senses, and he resisted the urge to start bawling. Instead, he smirked confidently, leaned back in the president’s chair, and put his large, muddy shoes up on the desk.

It was then that Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl burst through the door, wielding their weapons. For some reason that Steven didn’t quite understand, they were all wearing sunglasses. 

“Steven!” Garnet called out to him. Steven turned his head in her direction, but did not straighten up or take his feet down off of the desk, as he acknowledged her with casual indifference, “ _Why_ are you doing this?”

“If you sit down, I can explain,” Steven replied with a level of patronizing dismissiveness very similar to that of White Diamond.

“We don’t want to fight you, man!” Amethyst exclaimed, blinking back tears, and poofing her purple whip into nonexistence. 

“No, there’s no reason to. You would lose anyway,” Steven said very confidently. Then, he straightened up, took his feet off of the desk, and gestured toward a couple of chairs, “Please, sit down.” 

“I don’t like you acting like this, Steven. It’s _really weird_ ,” Amethyst complained nervously, as she sat down in one of the chairs “It’s giving me all kinds of creepy diamond overlord vibes.”

Pearl and Garnet sat down at either side of Amethyst and poofed their weapons away. 

“Ok, Steven,” Garnet said, “We’re listening.”

Steven proceeded to explain his point of view to them. He told them about the secret government facilities where human/gem hybrids were being tortured and dissected. He told them about the corruption in the United States and around the world; about the countless billionaires who taxed the poor into submission and gave so little back; about the people who didn’t have a place to live or enough to eat; about the disease; about the death; about the massive levels of global human suffering.

“If White Diamond is the mother of this galaxy, then I am its father. Therefore, I have a responsibility to protect the people of Earth. I can no longer stand idly by while human men abuse their privileges and inflict suffering upon the people of this planet. Taking power from them is messier than I’d hoped, and there have been some considerable sacrifices made, and maybe…there’s blood on my hands that will never wash clean. But that is my burden as the predecessor of Pink Diamond. I mean…as gem hybrid, I’m not sure exactly how long I’ll live…but after one hundred, one thousand, possibly even _one million_ years of my rule, I’m sure I can make up for all of the pain this war has caused. It’ll all be worth it. I _know_ it will. I’ll help them. I’ll help _everyone_. You’ll see. Please, I just need you to trust me,” Steven finished dramatically, extending his hand in friendship. 

Garnet hesitated for a moment, looking astounded and emotionally-overloaded. Then, she _did not_ shake Steven’s hand. 

“Steven, I think you’ve ‘ _helped'_ quite enough,” Garnet sighed as she glanced out the broken window at the devastation that had been wrought upon the city, “And I think…that _I was wrong_ to let you leave home the way you did. I think that you were too young, and that you’re _still_ too young…to live alone.”

“Please, Steven. Forget this nonsense!” Pearl shouted, clearly on the edge of tears, “We love you, and we want you to come back home! Please, Steven, if it was _me_ that drove you away, then I promise, I-I can be _better_! I…I kept your room just the way you left it, and…if you come back home, I can make you together breakfast, and we’ll watch dog copter, and wear sheet masks with cute animal faces on them…just like old times!”

“Don’t talk to me like I’m a child!” Steven shouted, flushing slightly, and rising from his chair. His body ignited in pink glow and his large hands balled into fists. It angered him greatly that no matter how much he grew and matured, Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl still regarded him as a helpless and clueless baby with a loaded diaper. 

“Steven, you can’t continue down this path!” Garnet shouted back passionately, “Come home _now!_ I’m not asking you, I’m _telling_ you.”

Garnet generated her large fighting gloves. Pearl and Amethyst followed suit, each generating their own weapons and poising to strike. 

“Oh, yeah, well I’m not a kid anymore!” Steven shouted angrily, summoning his bubble boxing gloves and bracing for an attack, “And you can’t tell me to DO SHIT!”

“I’ve had enough of your bad attitude, young man!” Garnet yelled at she aimed a punch at Steven’s chest. Steven side stepped the blow easily and she stumbled, nearly tripping over her feet and hitting the floor.

“Yeah, stop being such a BIG JERK!” Amethyst yelled, brandishing her purple whip in Steven’s direction. It curled around Steven’s powerful forearm. Then, he scowled at her and jerked his arm forward, pulling her off of her feet and smashing her face against the floor so hard that she poofed on contact.

Pearl darted up to him gracefully twirling her long spear like a cheerleader’s baton. Steven blocked the weapon easily. She twirled and struck out with the weapon again. But again, he blocked her attack easily. Then, he yawned and stretched, flexing his powerful arms indifferently, before he aimed a punch at Pearl’s stomach, which poofed her on contact. 

Garnet charged at him with her gloved fists raised. She pummeled him with her massive hands, holding nothing back, but it didn’t hurt very much, and was really more of a minor annoyance than it was an actual threat. Garnet’s feeble attempt at posing a challenge, only served to make Steven increasingly furious with her. He yelled out indignantly as she punched at his aggressively blocking arms. Then, he wound back and aimed a punch at Garnet’s nose that spit her into Ruby and Sapphire. Ruby and Sapphire jumped to their feet and raced forward, in a rage, desperate to somehow subdue him. But Steven was having none of it. He knocked them both out with one sweeping kick, causing them both to poof upon contact. 

Now alone, in the smoldering ruins of the White House, Steven shivered and his heart pounded in his chest. He dropped to his knees, fiercely fighting back tears, and scooped his family’s gems out of the rubble. 

Then, he hastily bubbled all four. 


	15. EPISODE 14 : A STORY ABOUT ORANGE UNDERPANTS

Sitting in the Oval Office was giving Steven, anxiety attacks. So, after the tiresome celebrations had finally ended, and his supporters had cleared out for the day, Steven headed back to his previous apartment, where he intended to spend the night.

Upon arriving home, Steven discovered a box addressed to him, sitting outside of the door. Steven sighed tiredly and bent down to pick it up. Then, he unlocked the apartment and walked inside. He pulled the tape off of the box and opened it. There were several packages of white briefs inside. They were his size and Steven could not be more relieved to see them. He had been wearing the same sweaty pair of orange underwear for nearly two days now.

“Finally, they’re here!” Jasper’s voice exclaimed excitedly. She sounded strangely muffled and Steven wasn’t quite sure what she was doing here or where she could be hiding. Perhaps she was only a voice in his head and he was losing his mind. 

An orange glow engulfed Steven for a moment as Jasper reverted back to her original form, freeing herself from Steven’s pants. Steven blushed hard as it finally occurred to him that the orange underpants had really been Jasper this entire time.

“Jasper!” Steven blurted out indignantly, “ _You_ were the orange underpants!”

“Well, yeah, Steven. Obviously. _Duh_ ,” Jasper confirmed with an indifferent shrug.

A bright pink blush heated Steven’s entire face, and he felt himself slipping into another panic attack. He released the bubbled gems of Ruby, Sapphire, Amethyst, and Pearl from under his jacket. They floated up into the air, hovering above him like an eerie reminder of the day’s previous events. And predictably, this did nothing to quell the impending panic attack.

“Oh, no! Oh man! Oh _shit_!” Steven swore rocking back and forth, still blushing furiously, and cringing away from the bubbled gems that floated over his head, “You were the…the underpants and that means that…oh no, oh, oh why? _Whhhy?_ I bubbled my family and you were the…you were the… _I want my therapist!_ ”

“Huh?” Jasper replied quiet indifferently. She was quite accustomed to witnessing Steven’s freak out attacks by this point.

“Jasper, _call my therapist!_ ” Steven screamed in her face. His heart was beating so fast now that he felt like he was about to pass out. 

“All this just because I was the underpants? I don’t understand what the big deal is, really.” Jasper confessed cluelessly. 

“You…you were touching my… _my parts_!” Steven shouted exasperatedly.

“So?”

“ _So_ , so now… _I’m humiliated_!” Steven blurted out clawing at his blushing face like a mad man, “What did you see? What did you feel? Oh, God, don’t answer those questions! I don’t want to know!” 

“Well, I wouldn’t have done it if I had known you were going to react _like this_. I just didn’t want you to be uncomfortable,” Jasper explained with another clueless shrug.

“Well, I’m _really_ uncomfortable now,” Steven breathed incredulously, glaring at her with tired, blood-shot eyes.

“Have I displeased you, My Diamond?” Jasper murmured in reply, and she looked so genuinely heartbroken at the prospect that Steven could not help but forgive her immediately. Then, she kneeled in front of him and looked up at him, which just made him feel even worse for yelling at her. He just really wished she would stop kneeling like that.

“…I…I’m sorry Jasper,” Steven gasped between deep, panicked breaths, “I know you’re…you’re new to Earth, and humans and all that stuff…and know that you don’t understand.”

“Then, please. _Make me_ understand, My Diamond. I want to understand,” Jasper implored devoutly, inclining her head in respect. 

“Oh…um….ok,” Steven conceded nervously. He could tell already that this conversation was going to travel far outside of his comfort zone. He glanced over at the now bubbled Ruby, Sapphire, Amethyst, and Pearl. Then, he could not help but wonder if they would be able to hear him talking in there, and he felt his blush return. “So…I got upset about the underwear thing. Because it was um…how should I explain this? A violation of my privacy?”

“I don’t get it,” said Jasper. She was still kneeling. It made Steven very uncomfortable so he sighed:

“Please, Jasper. Just get up.”

Jasper followed these instructions promptly. Steven dragged a hand over his heated face and attempted to explain again:

“Jasper, when you transformed…you were near some of my body parts that are supposed to be um…private.”

“I _still_ don’t get it,” Jasper grunted in reply. 

“Ok, let’s try again. What about that exactly…didn’t you understand about that?” Steven asked tiredly.

“Why would body parts be _private_?” Jasper inquired skeptically, cocking an eyebrow in derision.

“Well, you should know about _that_ Jasper. Why do you think people wear clothes?” Steven asked her.

“Beats me,” Jasper shrugged.

“But _you_ were clothes,” Steven pointed out with frustration.

“But I kind of don’t though. I’m not really covering anything. This whole thing is just me. And what you see is what you get. No secrets. No surprises,” Jasper said extending her arms as though inviting him to inspect her orange form. 

“Right, ok. I guess it’s a culture thing then,” Steven conceded, “So, I guess, understand it like this: Humans have certain parts that they don’t like each other seeing, unless they have a very close, intimate bond. So they cover those part up with clothes. And they only take the clothes off in front of a person who um…shares that special bond? Otherwise, it’s just embarrassing. Do you get what I’m saying?”

“The only thing I heard was that you don’t think we have a close, special, intimate bond. Which, frankly, hurts my feelings,” Jasper replied bluntly.

“Well…as a friend of mine once said, _suck it up and stop crying_ ,” Steven replied with a reluctant grin. 

“Ugh. Maybe I’ve been spending too much time around you. You’re making me soft, weenie boy,” Jasper muttered. Though she could not help but crack a smile as well.

“ _Ok_ , then. You have no more questions? I can get on with my life and pretend this never happened now?” Steven flushed, forcing a nervous grin. 

“Well… _actually_ …I do have a few questions,” Jasper said, scratching her head as she contemplated some of the bewildering things that she had witnessed as Steven’s underpants. She had not been expecting his alien anatomy to be so different from that of a gem’s nor was she expecting the things that she saw to amaze and confuse her so. 

“Ok…so, I guess that’s fair. Ask away,” Steven invited nervously. 

“So what’s that long, pointy, tubey thing on your front half anyway?” Jasper asked. She didn’t understand why this question seemed to make Steven so uncomfortable, or why he started avoiding her gaze and nervously fiddling with the buttons on the sleeves of his shirt like he was mortified.

“Um…ok… _soo_ …That’s my penis,” Steven answered simply, still avoiding her gaze. 

“What’s a penis?” Jasper asked. 

“It’s my genitalia.”

“What’s a genitalia?” Jasper asked. 

“There’s um it’s uhh…for reproduction?” Steven explained, chewing his lower lip uncomfortably.

“What? You make _more_ humans with that? How does _that_ work?” Jasper probed curiously, because in truth she could not imagine how something like that could _possibly_ work. 

“Well um…how do I explain this? How do gems reproduce?” Steven asked.

“We shed genetic material, and then, fly an injector into an enemy planet, where it releases the material into the ground and creates a kindergarten full of near-identical genetic duplicates,” Jasper explained.

“Ok so um… _this,_ ” Steven said, pointing to his crotch area, “Is like my injector. But instead of sticking it in the ground, like you would if you wanted to make more Jaspers…Um…If I wanted to make more _Stevens_ …I would um….I would stick _my injector_ into a…a…. _a woman_. And her tummy _um_ …Her tummy…would be come the uh… _the kindergarten_.”

“Oof, sounds painful. So then, _why_ are there so many of you?” Jasper remarked with amazement.

“Well um…it’s because…when a man does it. He feels pleasure?” Steven reasoned uncomfortably, scratching his head.

“What about the woman?”

“Um…the woman feels pleasure too sometimes, but only when you really care about her, and you do it the right way,” Steven said.

Jasper grinned in a slightly teasing way. And then, she elbowed Steven in the ribs and said jovially:

“I bet you do it _the right way_. Ay, Steven?”

“Actually, I’ve never done it at all,” Steven admitted.

“And what about that stuff that comes out of the back? What’s that all about?” Jasper asked innocently.

Steven’s face burned bubblegum pink and then he said:

“You know what? _That’s enough questions for now._ ”

There was silence for a moment. 

Steven became painfully aware of Ruby, Saffire, Amethyst, and Pearl’s bubbled gems hovering above him. One of them bobbed into his line of vision and he averted his eyes. Looking at those bubbled gems made him feel painfully guilty and lonely, and awful. And suddenly, the urge to fall apart and start weeping uncontrollably came over him again. 

Tears pricked the corners of Steven’s eyes and he bit his lip.

“Are you ok, My Diamond?” Jasper asked as she noticed this change in his demeanor. 

“D-don’t call me that…” Steven sniffled as the fugitive tears trickled down his face against his will, “I don’t want to be Pink Diamond anymore! I…I just want to be S-Steven! At least to _somebody_. Call me, Steven. P-please.”

“Should I leave?” Jasper asked, looking slightly alarmed.

“N-no…please stay…I want you to stay,” Steven wept, hanging his and wrapping his arms around his own large, quivering body.

“Ugh…I want to hug you. But now I’m afraid of offending your fragile, human sensibilities,” Jasper said, “Is it ok if I hug you?”

Steven nodded silently, as more tears spilled from his eyes and he hitched an deep, involuntary sob. Jasper embraced him delicately and he hugged her back for what was something like two minutes, while he unleashed a barrage of pitiful trembling whales into her muscular orange shoulder. Once he had cried himself out, he released her from his grip, and wiped his pink eyes on the back of one broad hand. 

“I…I had to poof and bubble my family today,” Steven told Jasper in a pathetic, warbling voice, that was very distorted by his previous crying fit, “I had to h-hurt them…p-pu-poofing _hurts_ them. Oh, God, I’m such an ungrateful brat! This feels so wrong…maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t have…And now I’m afraid….I’m afraid because.”

“You’re afraid that they’ll turn their backs on you, like they did your mother. When they found out that _she_ wasn’t perfect?” Jasper finished the sentence for him bluntly, because his tearful stuttering was starting to get to her.

“Y-yeah,” Steven confirmed sadly, staring down at his feet and letting out a remorseful whimper that promised still more tears. 

There were a few silent moments during which, Steven stared into Amethyst’s gem, which was currently hovering over his face. He wondered, for a moment, if she was staring back at him. Then, he battered the bubble away from his face and said in a shaky voice:

“I’m going to un-bubble them.”

“No, Steven. That’s self-sabotage,” Jasper sighed.

“Maybe they’ll understand…maybe I can convince them to change their point of view and join our side…” Steven said, with some desperate hopefulness. 

“ _Self-_ sabotage,” Jasper growled, more forcefully this time, “They _chose_ their side, Steven. And if you know what’s good for you, you’ll leave them bubbled until after _this_ war _is won_.” 

“…You’re right, Jasper. I’m an idiot…of course I’m the biggest, pinkest, dumbest idiot. What was I thinking?” Steven berated himself, staring down at his feet again, and hitching back a small sob. 

“Steven, _Steven_ …come on…don’t feel bad. What you were thinking…was that you love your family and you don’t want to do anything that would hurt them…and there’s nothing stupid about that. In fact I… _I think_ that that’s what I admire _most_ about you, Steven,” Jasper said. 

Hearing this, Steven’s heart melted, and he could not help but smile at her with warmth glowing in the hot pink iris of his dilated diamond eyes. 

“ _Aww_ …” Steven crooned with stars in his eyes, causing Jasper to cringe visibly, “You’re a big softy.”

“I _am_ not.”

“Yes, you are. I caught you. You’re a big softy. Admit it. Admit that you’re nice,” Steven teased.

“Ugh. Such an irritating human man creature,” Jasper groaned, rolling her eyes, and crossing her arms indignantly.

“I’m getting pretty tired now. Hey, you’ve uh…seen everything already right? In my uh….In my below the waist region?” Steven said with a slight blush.

“Yeah,” Jasper confirmed bluntly.

“Great, then…guess it doesn’t matter if I get changed? It doesn’t bother you if I get changed, does it?”

“Not at all,” Jasper said. 

“I just wanted to change out of these sweaty clothes and get dressed for bed in the worst way,” Steven said. 

“If you want some privacy, I could leave,” Jasper offered, “Or just…I don’t know, _wait here_ until you go into another room and come back?” 

“No…I want you to stay…I just feel so bad all of the time these days…my tummy’s all in knots and my hearts beating so fast that it hurts…and I just don’t want to be a lone right now. Can you stay the night? Please?” Steven begged her a little pathetically.

“Ugh. Some ruthless overlord you are,” Jasper groaned.

“Ok, so how about _this_ , as The Diamond of this colony, Jasper, it is _my command_ that you stay,” Steven rephrased a little artificially. His voice was still distorted from crying and his eyes were still really red, so he didn’t quite manage pull off the tough guy performance. 

“Well, when you put it that way, how could refuse?” Jasper agreed slightly sarcastically, sounding positively exhausted with him.

“Thanks, Jasper. You’re the best,” Steven said, smiling in a way that made the corners of his blood-shot pink eyes crinkle. 

Jasper replied with a dutiful salute. 

Steven turned and walked to the bathroom, where he proceeded to remove his sweaty clothes. Jasper stood by the door, like a guard, with her back against the wall, facing away from his nakedness, and down the hallway. She remained alert; on the look out for potential threats. From time to time, she would shout to Steven, her rough voice carrying through the open door. She would say things like:

“You ok in there, Steven? Having another panic attack?”

And he would shout back something back like:

“No, I’m ok! Thanks for asking!”

She heard the shower run. She heard more of his familiar whimpering sobs. She heard the shower go off. She heard him muttering to himself in an angry, hateful voice:

“What if your supporters see through this stupid tough guy act, huh Steven? What if they see you for what you _really_ are?”

Jasper narrowed her eyes and suppressed another groan of frustration. Every time she managed to put out another one of Steven’s emotional dumpster fires, a second and third one seemed to spring up and take its place. 

_“What I really am,”_ Steven argued back at his reflection, insanely.“ _Is a diamond._ ”

Jasper was starting to get slightly worried about Steven. She was starting to wonder if she should just disregard his dumb naked hang ups, stomp in there, and shake him until he stopped being crazy. 

“You’re not _a diamond_ ,” Steven’s contradicted himself hatefully. _”_ You’re stupid boy, who stupidly got too much power handed to him.”

“Stee _even_? Are you _oook_ in there?” Jasper called out to him suspiciously.

“I’m fine! _Shut up!_ ” Steven yelled back angrily.

Now, Jasper was pissed off. So she stomped in there intent on shaking that big, stupid, unreasonable, human man baby, until he stopped being a fucking loon. 

As, she entered the bathroom, however, the first thing she saw was Steven ripping one of his shaving razors open with his teeth. She watched, with dismay, as he took one of the blades out of the razor and cut a small slice in his exposed forearm. 

“Steven, what the _hell_ are you doing!” Jasper barked furiously, forcefully wresting the razor blade out of Steven’s shaking hand.

Jasper threw the blade on the ground, and then, grabbed Steven’s muscular forearm to surveyed the damage. The self-inflicted wound was little more than a small, wimpy, cowardly scratch that probably didn’t even hurt that much, but it still pissed Jasper off. She was sworn to protect The New Pink Diamond, after all. Even if that meant protecting him from himself. 

“Steven, I want you to heal that cut _immediately_!” Jasper shouted gruffly, not letting go of Steven’s bleeding, trembling arm. 

“No…no I don’t want to,” Steven whimpered pathetically, “I’m bad…I hurt people. I hurt a lot of people, Jasper. I deserve to suffer…I deserve to feel pain.”

“Steven, I’ve been playing your little woe-is-me game for awhile now, and _I’m tired_. Heal that cut. _Now_ ,” Jasper growled, aggressively petting the bleeding cut on Steven’s thick forearm her with large, orange thumb. 

“ _No_ ,” Steven growled defiantly, averting his eyes from her. 

“What do you think, _I_ haven’t done _bad things_ , Steven? Because when I was working for your mother, and Yellow Diamond, I can tell you something, I did _a lot_ of _bad things_! I killed the populations of entire planets! I _tortured_ and interrogated gems and aliens by the hundreds! But you don’t see me crying about it, and you know _why_? Because I’m not a big crybaby _loser!_ ” Jasper shouted.

“Stop _yelling at me_!” Steven squealed back pitifully, and then, he burst into tears again.

“Heal that cut, Steven.”

“ _No_.”

“Heal that cut, _Steven_.”

“ _Noo!_ ” Steven shouted at a supernatural frequency that caused all of the mirrors in the bathroom to shatter.

“Heal it.”

“No.”

“I’m asking you nicely to _heal it_. Pretty please with sugar on top, Steven?” Jasper sighed exasperatedly.

“Still no.”

“What if I sang you a song?” Jasper asked, forcing an accommodating smile.

“I still wouldn’t heal it,” Steven answered bitterly. 

“What if I brought you some ice cream and warm blanket?” Jasper asked again. Her forced smile was starting to hurt her face now. 

“I don’t deserve any of that. And _no._ I want to be in pain. I _deserve_ to be in pain,” Steven replied miserably, his eyes still trained on the floor.

Jasper noticed for the first time since entering the room that Steven was still naked and slightly wet from the shower. Jasper pretended to not care about Steven’s human meat body at all, but the truth was, that it had become an object of special significance to her. The truth was, that after her adventure as the orange underpants, she had many, many questions about Steven’s strange, squishy, male humanness that she desperately wanted answered. And, as much as she hated to admit it, the truth was, that she missed the warm, comforting feeling of Steven’s secret, shameful alien body parts, pressed up against her. Deep down, Jasper yearned to experience that feeling again.

Now, Steven was hunched over and whimpering quietly. Steven and Jasper were about the same height, so from this perspective, Jasper was staring at the top of Steven’s quivering head.

There was silence for a moment or two, during which, Jasper stared into Steven wild tangle of messy, damp curls and cursed herself for having developed feelings for this insufferable idiot. Steven’s erratic, irrational behavior was slowly chipping away at Jasper’s once unwavering faith in the flawlessness and infallibility of The Diamonds, and yet, she could not bring herself to abandon him. 

Jasper knew now with certainty that Steven _was not_ a god. Certainly, Steven had flaws, and weaknesses. All of them were real. And none of them were a performance to throw off his enemies. This type of realization might have once spurned Jasper to reject the authority of a diamond’s court. But, the truth was, that none of that “diamonds are gods” crap mattered to Jasper anymore. Steven might not have been a god. He might not have been infallibly wise, or even that smart really, but he was _still_ her diamond. Steven was Jasper’s diamond more so than _any diamond_ had ever been her diamond before. And, coo-coo, lunatic, half-human or not, she was going to stick by his side to the bitter end. 

Steven interrupted the silence as he murmured shamefully:

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to see this.”

“Steven, if you didn’t want me to see this, then _why_ did you invite me to stay for the night, and then, ask me to follow you around, _and then_ , leave the bathroom open while _you did it_?” Jasper growled exasperatedly.

“Um…”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

“Maybe you should leave, Jasper. I’m feeling ok, now,” Steven lied, forcing a fake smile and flipping her the thumbs up. He kept his eyes trained on his feet, however. And Jasper noticed that the small scratch that he had cut into his arm was still oozing. She also noticed the way that his eyes were now trained on the discarded razor. If she left now, there was a high likelihood that he would just pick it up and hurt himself again. 

“Yeah, there’s _no way_ I’m leaving now,” Jasper muttered sarcastically, “Heal that cut, Steven.”

“I’m a diamond, and I don’t take orders from _you_ ,” Steven replied brokenly. 

“You’re an asshole, now heal it,” Jasper growled. 

“No,” Steven refused stubbornly. 

Jasper grabbed Steven’s arm again, but this time, instead of gently rubbing the cut, she viciously pinched it and twisted it.

“Ouch! Stop! You’re hurting me!” Steven squealed pulling his arm away forcefully.

“ _Ouch! Stop! You’re hurting me!_ ” Jasper mocked cruelly, “Your pansy ass wouldn’t last five minutes in one of my prison camps! Oh, I’m _hurting_ you now? Huh? But wait, Steven, I thought you _wanted_ to feel pain? What happened to _that_ all of a sudden?” 

“Ok, ok, I’ll heal it!” Steven relented. And, as he said this, the cut on his arm quickly sealed itself. 

“Don’t hurt yourself again, dumb-dumb,” Jasper muttered, mussing Steven’s damp hair with gruff, slightly aggressive affection.

Steven hung his head, shivered, and started quietly sobbing again.

“I was g-going to heal it…why did you have to be so m-meh-mean?” Steven sniffled, “I…I should have known that you’d figure out I’m a fraud and lose respect for me eventually…”

“Let me make this clear, Steven. _My respect_ is something you have to _earn_ ,” Jasper growled.

“…Do you hate me now?” Steven asked tearfully. His eyes were still on the floor; trained on the discarded razor blade. 

“No, Steven. I don’t _hate_ you. You are still My Diamond. I am eternally loyal to your cause and to your court,” Jasper sighed, “I just wish you’d toughen up a little bit.” 

“I’m sorry…,” Steven sniffled, “It’s just that…when I was fighting today I saw blood everywhere…and pain…and…and….it was all because of _me_ … _I_ made that happen!”

“The burden of diamond is never a light one,” Jasper sighed, as she resigned herself to the fact that Steven was _not_ a vicious warrior overlord that she had been seeking to serve her entire life. Nor was he the infallible deity that she had once sought to worship. She saw clearly now that despite outward appearances, deep down, Steven was just a sweet, sensitive man with a naive and unrealistic estimation of the level of carnage that his war would bring. 

“…I don’t want to hurt people! I just want to _help_ them!” Steven gasped between his tears. 

Then, he looked at Jasper in an innocent, heartbroken way. And it made her feel things that she didn't want to feel.

“Aww… _weenie boy_ ,” Jasper crooned, as she found herself unexpectedly moved by this naive sentiment. 

Jasper then threw her arms around Steven’s naked, slightly damp body. He stood there silently for a moment and passively allowed her to hug him. She could feel his pounding heart against her chest. She could feel the strange, squishy texture of his soft pinky-tan human flesh, and she could smell the woody notes in the shampoo in his damp hair. The experience was more satisfying than she could ever admit to herself. And, in that moment of profound yet unexpected satisfaction, she felt dangerously close to fusing with him. 

After some time, Jasper released Steven from her powerful embrace. Steven blinked tears out of his pink eyes and shivered. The urge to hug Steven again nagged at Jasper but she resisted the temptation this time. Instead, she grabbed a stack of Steven’s folded, clean clothes off of the bathroom floor and shoved them in his direction. 

“You’re right though, I am a stupid idiot,” Steven said tearfully. He continued to whimper and sniffle as he began to slowly dress himself.

“Steven, don’t call yourself a stupid idiot. I’m sorry I yelled at you. Will you _please_ stop crying now?” Jasper sighed, and then, she forced another painful-looking smile, “How about a smile instead, huh? You won a major battle today, against your enemies. You showed the world that you are a force to be reckoned with! You showed you family that you _are not_ a baby. You crushed your adversaries like bugs, and poofed _anybody_ who dared to stand in your way. Like a _true_ Diamond. And now we are one step closer controlling this entire planet.”

“ _We_?”

“Did I say _we_. I meant _you_ , Pink Diamond.”

Steven could not help but smile at that.

“So, buck up, Steven. Losers cry. Cool guys suck it up, stick it out, and knock out the competition!” Jasper growled passionately, punching at the air. 

“Ok…I guess you’re right, Jasper. This stuff is hard….but a lot of people are depending on me. I should try to be more tough. Thanks for listening to my dumb feelings…I feel a little bit better now,” Steven sniffled, wiping at his runny face with his hands.

“Ugh. Let me get you a tissue,” Jasper said. Then, she grabbed a box of tissues off of a nearby shelf and handed one to Steven. Steven took the tissue and blew his nose into it.

As Steven dressed himself, Jasper watched him attentively. She did this for two reasons. The first reason was that she didn’t trust him not to pick that discarded razor off of the floor and sneak it into his sleeve or something. The second reason was that she just liked looking at him now. She had grown accustomed to his muscular, v-shaped body, and peach-colored flesh. As he pulled his new underwear on over the curve of big, soft, round butt, she could not help but become intensely jealous of the article of clothing. How come _it_ got to touch Steven’s butt when _she_ didn’t?

Jasper watched with unnecessary alertness as Steven pulled on his striped pajama bottoms, then, buttoned his pajama shirt over his powerful chest. When he was done with that, Jasper took him by the arm and guided him in the direction of the bedroom.

“Why don’t you lay down and rest? I’ll bring you some tea or something,” Jasper said to him.

“Hot chocolate, please. And I want little marshmallows in it,” Steven replied quietly, looking at the floor and shuffling his feet slightly.

“Of course, only the best for My Diamond,” Jasper said folding back the blankets of Steven’s bed, and gesturing toward it to indicate that he should get in. 

Steven climbed into bed, and the box spring creaked under the pressure of his considerable weight. Jasper pulled the covers back over him before he had a chance to, and then, tucked him in.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that…” Steven protested meekly. 

“Shhh…you rest now. And don’t hurt yourself while I’m in the kitchen fixing your drink or I’m going to be really, _really_ mad when I get back.”

“No, I’ll be good. I promise, no more cutting,” Steven assured her.

Jasper picked Steven’s cell phone off of the table and handed it to him in bed.

“Here,” she said as he took the phone out of her hand, “Call your therapist.”


	16. EPISODE 15 : THE STANLEY ROSE BAND

That night, Steven had a teleconference with his therapist. It wasn’t terribly helpful, but she _did_ manage to calm him down just enough….that he was able to grab the bubbled gems off of the ceiling and actually look at them. Before, he had aggressively avoided looking at them, and instead kept his eyes trained on the floor. Whenever they had floated into his line of vision, he had deliberately glanced away, or even, shut his eyes to avoid seeing them. 

Now, Steven picked the bubbled gems up one at a time, and apologized to each one, forcing himself to confront all of the bad, guilty feelings that they triggered in him.

He started by grabbing Amethyst’s gem, hugging it to his chest, and whispering in a nostalgic, slightly warbling voice:

“Hey, do you remember all those summer days on the boardwalk…eating fry bits, and talking about The Alone Boys, and singing songs, and playing video games, and wrestling…and do you remember riding the train cars, Amethyst? Whatever happened to us anyway? We used to have so much fun together. I didn’t have a lot of friends my own age back then. But I was never lonely, because I had you. Maybe we drifted apart a little bit, when I got a little older and started I making lots of friends…but you were my first friend. And you were my best friend. You’re still my best friend, Amethyst. But now it hurts me to look at you…which is why I have to put you in this box.”  
  


Steven opened up a wicker box that he had purchased at the goodwill and stuck Amethyst’s bubbled gem inside of it, then, closed the lid over her, like he was laying her to rest in a coffin. 

“Sorry, the box has got kind of stinky smell,” Steven apologized to Amethyst’s bubbled gem. I got it from the goodwill awhile ago, and I thought that the smell would eventually fade. But it’s still kind of smelly. I’m not sure what the smell is from, and I’m not sure if you can still smell in there. I’m pretty sure you can’t. But if you can, then I’m really sorry.”

Now that he had finished hiding Amethyst’s gem in the stinky box, Steven grabbed Pearl’s bubbled gem and eulogized that one as well:

“Pearl, you always made me feel safe. You made sure I had warm clothes, and enough to eat, and you protected me from all kinds of danger, and took care of me when I was hurt. And you made me feel better when I was sad. I know that mom is dead, and that I should be sad about that. But the truth was, that I never really missed her as much as you did. I mean, how could I really? I didn’t really know her. And besides, I always kind of thought of _you_ as my mom, Pearl. And you were a really good mom. I never want you to think anything different.”

Steven then kissed the pink bubble encasing Pearl’s gem. 

“Now, into the box with you. Sorry, the box does kind of have a smell. Again, really sorry about that,” Steven said to Pearl’s gem, then, he shoved her into the stinky box along with Amethyst. 

Finally, Steven grabbed Ruby and Sapphire’s gems out of the air. He held one of them in each hand, and began to talk again.

“Ruby and Sapphire,” Steven eulogized somberly, “When you were raising me, together, as Garnet, you were always a good leader and a good role model. You were always calm and collected and you knew how to keep everybody together, when we were all freaking out and didn’t know what to do. I wish that I could be more like you, and hold it together when things are tough, and be someone that people can really depend on. But, it turns out, I’m nothing like you. Turns out I’m more like my mom…and maybe also like my dad a little bit? Because I’m always falling apart. But you always knew what to say to put me back together again. And I love your for that. Now, I’m putting you in the box, because looking at you is triggering my anxiety. I am sorry. The box does kind of have a smell. But I swear that I will, _eventually_ , purchase a better smelling container to hide you in.”

Steven then opened the wicker box and stuck Ruby and Sapphire’s gems in there with Amethyst and Pearl. Then, he shut the lid on them all, and put some heavy junk down on top of the lid, so that they wouldn’t float out again. 

“Steven, are you still playing with that stinky box? I made you dinner!” Jasper’s rough voice bellowed from the kitchen.

“I’m not playing! I’m doing important therapeutic work that my therapist assigned me!” Steven shouted back.

Steven left the wicker box from the goodwill on the floor of the closet. But now, looking at the box made him upset, so he covered it with more junk, obscuring its wicker surface completely from sight. Then, he walked out of the closet, and shut the door behind him. 

…

In the morning, Jasper made Steven pancakes and brought them to his bedroom on a tray.

She was expecting to find Steven in bed, sobbing into his pillow over the unspeakable devastation that his armies had wrought upon the world. As she entered the room, however, she was greeted by an unexpected surprise.

Steven was standing in front of a floor length mirror, in his pajama’s, holding what looked like a family photo album. He flipped through the pages and found a picture that was apparently interesting to him, then, proceeded to stare at it for a long time. After that, he looked up, stared at the mirror, concentrated hard, and shrank down a couple of sizes.   


“Steven… _what_ are you doing?” Jasper asked him a little apprehensively. 

Steven turned around to reveal that he had altered his appearance. He had shape-shifted to make himself shorter and skinnier. His curly hair was now a close-cut Mohawk, and his face now bore a close resemblance to an 18-year-old Greg Demayo, mixed with several handsome singers from popular bands. 

“Who’s _Steven_ ,” Steven replied, arching an eyebrow playfully at her and striking what he felt was a seductive pose, as he leaned against the floor-length mirror, “I’m _Stanley_.”

“Uh… _what_?” Jasper growled incredulously, unceremoniously dropping the tray of pancakes on to Steven’s bed.

“Well…I was thinking,” Steven explained, “Since you’re my second in command and you kind of know a lot more about war and strategy and stuff than I do _anyway_ …maybe you could take over for awhile? Then, I can buy a van like my dad’s and travel the country as Stanley, join a band, play some gigs. You know, have some fun. Be somebody new for a change. Take a break from the pressure of being Pink Diamond, and instead, live the care free, no-strings-attached life of the chill, super cool, Stanley Rose.”

“Steven, you’re the diamond of this colony you can’t just…ignore all of your responsibilities and go running around as this Schmuck-face Rose character! People are depending on you, they expect you to be here, to do your job, and to _not_ be insane! And it’s _my job_ to make sure that all of that happens!”

“My therapist says that I don’t have to listen to you. She says that you invalidate my feelings,” Steven argued back defensively, crossing his arms and pouting in the face of Jasper’s naysaying. 

“Steven…I don’t know what kind of crazy sauce this woman is feeding you but _—_ ” Jasper growled. Then, Steven put his fingers in his ears and whistled loudly in order to block out the rest of what she was about to say.

When she was finished talking, Steven took his fingers out of his ear, stopped whistling, and exclaimed excitedly:

“Nope, no. I’m the diamond of this colony and I’m not going to let you talk me out of this. My decision has been made. I’ll spend Monday through Friday as Stanley Rose. Then, I’ll come back here and be Steven Universe on the weekends, make a grand appearance, check back with everybody, do some Pink Diamond stuff, and then, leave again. It’s perfect really. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner. This is going to be so much fun!”

“After that tantrum you threw about shrinking down to fit smaller clothes, you’re telling me now that you’re going to do that anyway? _For fun_?” Jasper muttered with an exhausted, fuck-my-life expression.

“My therapist says that I have to make time for me,” Steven asserted cheerfully. Then he wiggled his eyebrows in a slightly obnoxious flirty way and he asked her very jovially: “ _Soo_ , what do you think of my disguise, Jasper?”

“I think it’s terrible. You’re all shrimpy, and twiggy. And what have you done with your hair?”

Steven ran a hand over his close cut black hair and then said:

“I couldn’t manage to straighten the bastard, so I just made it shorter. I copied the style from my dad’s graduation photo.”

“Ugh.”

“And now I’m just short enough that I won’t hit my head on the roof of my car anymore,” Steven said.

“Steven…”

“Aaand, I spent thirty minutes picking the most perfect facial features, so _noow_ , I’m perfect. So there.”

“Steven…if you do this you’re just going to have another panic attack and loose control of your shape-shift, then split your pants on stage or something.” 

“Panic attack? Stanley Rose _doesn’t have_ panic attacks. I’m chill as a five dollar bill, baby,” Steven said with a point and an obnoxious wink.

“Steven,” Jaspered muttered.

“Steven’s not here now.”

“Steven, you can’t do this now! White Diamond is coming!” Jasper tried to get through to him desperately.

“I’m in denial _weeeeeeee_!” Steven shouted, pirouetting idiotically, and then, bounding out of the room with a deranged look on his face.

Jasper darted after him:

“Steven we have to prepare!”

“Prepare for what? I haven’t scored and gigs yet,” Steven said, picking up his guitar case and slinging it over his back. 

Steven’s large, pink lion was asleep in the living room. Steven stroked the lion’s snout a couple of times. Then, he stuck his head into the fur of its bubblegum-colored mane and yelled:

“Yo, Lars! Wanna’ start a band?” 

Jasper sat there for a moment and waited patiently for Steven to pull his head out of the lion’s mane again. When he finally did, Jasper muttered:

“Please tell me he said _no_.”

“He said yes. He’s super into the idea, actually,” Steven said, “And The Off Colors are on board with it too.”

“Steven, White Diamond had announced a plan to attack in less than four days! You can just go play your guitar while you fuck around in a van with a bunch of freaks! We need to know what your command is. Where do we position our troops! How do we acquire more airships in the extremely likely event of an areal attack!”

“How the hell should I know? I’m just a hot, dumb guy who plays the guitar. You’re the seasoned warrior. _You_ take care of it,” Steven said.

Steven walked into his closet, then, walked back out again wearing his old, pink letterman jacket.

“Hey, look, my jacket fits again,” Steven said with a smile, pulling at his pink collar to adjust it against his neck.

“White Diamond could strike at any moment. You can’t be out there, in the open, unprotected, with no guards, or battle ships, or bodyguards, Steven. Don’t do this to me, you fucking idiot!” Jasper attempted to reason with him desperately.

Steven ignored her as he hummed to himself cheerfully, grabbed his guitar case again, and walked out the door.

…

Several hours and one trip to the car dealership later, Steven was driving a big, white, van with the words “The Off Colors” hastily spray painted on the side. Lars was in the passenger seat, fiddling with the radio, and The Off Colors, were all piled in the back, tuning their instruments. 

The Off Colors had once been a band of roving space pirates, who stole cargo from White’s soldiers and systematically undermined The Diamond Authority. But after the war, they became a band of wandering adventurers for hire, who made a living providing their services as mercenaries to the highest bidder. Usually their assignments were a little more difficult and dangerous than this one, so naturally, when Steven approached them with the fun, low-stress, and risk-free mission of becoming a traveling band, they were positively thrilled by the prospect, and very eager to accept. 

“…So, Steven,” Lars said, turning down the radio a bit, so that his voice could be heard more clearly. In the back seat, a few of his crew members were giggling to each other and plucking at their musical instruments experimentally. 

“Who’s Steven, I’m _Stanley Rose_ ,” Steven reminded Lars flippantly.

“Stanley Rose, huh?” Lars remarked.

“Yup.”

“So, I guess the last name has significance because of your mom? Is that why you chose it?” Lars asked.

“Yeah, Kind of,” Steven confirmed, “I chose it so that when I transform people will be all like ‘What? _Rose is Pink Diamond?_ Whaaat? Oh my God. _WHAT_?’” 

“ _Nice_ ,” Lars remarked, and then, he and Steven fist-bumped, like bros.

“Yeah, I thought it was clever,” Steven said.

“It is. It’s like super clever. _Dude._ You’re going to _blow their_ _minds_!” Lars exclaimed excitedly, punching the air.

The Off Colors in the back of the van all cheered, and hooted to voice their approval. It seemed, they were all pumped for tonight’s gig. Steven had already booked the band for an open mic night, at a small coffee shop, in the city.

Steven sighed, as he became distracted by his nagging conscious, and he ran a red traffic light. As hard as he was trying to live the care-free, no-strings-attached life of Stanley Rose, deep down, he was still Steven Universe, and Steven Universe was still in turmoil. 

“I’m a little worried about the way I left Jasper,” Steven admitted to Lars, as he made an illegal right turn on red, which nearly resulted in a 5-car-pile-up. Amid the muffled cursing, the screeching of brakes, and the bellowing of car horns, Lars could barely hear Steven complete the thought:

“She really believes in this war…and I think she’s probably better than me at directing troops and stuff but…I don’t know…maybe I shouldn’t have left the way I did. Maybe this war…”

“Nope. _Stop it_ , dude. No war talk. I don’t get involved in politics anymore,” Lars said, covering his ears for a moment.

“But…maybe I should have listened to her…” Steven fretted. 

“Stanley, is _she_ the boss or are _you_?” Lars muttered. 

“ _I’m_ the boss,” Steven growled, very insulted by Lars’ implication that he _was not_ the boss.

“Then _act_ like it, dude. She’s making you second guess yourself, undermining your authority as King Diamond or whatever. You can’t take that kind of shit laying down. You have to show her who’s boss! You have to show her you’re _the man_! You _are_ a man, right Stanley?” Lars taunted.

“Yes, Lars. I’m _a man_ ,” Steven muttered a little insulted by the implication that he _was not_ a man. 

“No, you’re not. You’re Jasper’s bitch,” Lars teased.

“I…,” Steven muttered angrily, as he took his eyes off the road for a moment to glare at Lars and nearly took out a stop sign, “Am nobody’s _bitch_.”

“Then, Stanley, _dude_ , you can’t let her make this decision for you. If you wanna’ be a man, then you can’t let a woman _push you around_!” Lars declared dramatically. 

“You’re right, Lars!” Steven said taking his hands off of the wheel for a moment to punch the palm of his hand decisively, “This is _my_ decision and I’m sticking to it, no matter what Jasper says!”

“Damn straight!” Lars shouted in affirmation. 

“This gig is going to be fucking _awesome_ , and nothing is going to go wrong, and my ideas are the best forever!” Steven shouted, fist bumping Lars a second time, “ _Bros for life_!”

“ _Whoo!_ Bros _fo’ life_!” Lars hooted back.

…

That evening, Steven, Lars, and the Off Colors entered the coffee shop where they were scheduled to play their gig.

At the time, a musical performance was already in session. A small gathering of coffee shop customers watched from their tables, as a middle-aged woman performed a popular pop song, and then, stepped down from the stage. The crowd applauded for her. 

Steven, Lars, and The Off Colors found a table and sat down. There were a few performances scheduled to go on before them, so, they had time to kill. Padparadscha and The Rutile Twins ordered human drinks, then, tried to drink them like humans. Lars gave them some helpful tips about how to close their mouths and swallow at the appropriate times. As this was happening, Steven watched the empty stage, in anticipation of the next performer. 

The cheers of the crowd faded to silence. Then, a pregnant woman in a red sun dress emerged from the shadowy corner of the dark, crowded room. As she climbed onto the stage, and adjusted the mic stand to her height, Steven realized, with a startled gasp, that this woman, _was Connie_.

Connie’s dark hair was now very long, and it fell over her shoulders in thick, dark coils. She was wearing a hair clip with a red, felt rose glued to it, and a dead, glow stick bracelet around her left wrist. 

“An old flame of Steven’s will appear tonight, and perform a song!” Padparadscha announced unhelpfully, between attempts to choke down her Bloody Mary. 

Steven could not help but notice that Connie looked breathtakingly beautiful beneath the glow of the spotlight. Just looking at her made his heart ache so profoundly that he was tempted to look away. Silently, Steven reminded himself that he was currently disguised as Stanley Rose, and that Connie was very unlikely to recognize him in this form. This thought was very reassuring to Steven, and so, he resisted the temptation to pretend that he was reading a text, and instead, watched Connie attentively. He smiled at her, and she smiled back. As this happened, Steven felt his stomach fill up with violently fluttering butterflies. 

_She smiled back_ , Steven’s internal voice gasped in hopeful disbelief.

But, _of course_ she smiled back. Why wouldn’t she? After all, Steven wasn’t Pink Diamond tonight. No, tonight, Steven was just a handsome stranger in the crowd.

Connie adjusted her acoustic guitar over her pregnant belly. As she did this, Steven shifted uncomfortably in his chair, and bit his lip, concentrating hard to ensure that he maintained control of his unnatural form. 

“Hello, customers of Corner Shop Coffee!” Connie greeted the crowd, “It’s been a strange year for me! I mean, it’s been a strange year for all of us, what with all of this end of the world stuff going on, but in particular, it’s been a strange year for me! I started this year as a promising poly sci student at one of the most prestigious universities on the west coast; as a lover; as bride; as a friend; as the girl next door…but times change. _And now_ , I’m ending this year, in the last way that I expect to, as a refugee displaced by an alien invasion, _and_ as a struggling single mother. Speaking as that person, I am here to tell you that I have hope for the future but…I’m also scared. I’m scared for Earth. I’m scared for humanity. I’m scared for the people that I love. But most of all, I am scared for _my son_!”

Connie paused dramatically, and strummed her guitar once. The crowd watching her was so quiet, that Steven could hear his own heart rabidly pounding in his ears. 

“This one’s for the men in my life,” Connie announced sullenly, then she picked up her guitar and proceeded to play a cover of ‘King of Anything’ by Sara Bareilles, “”

When Connie was finished singing, she put down her guitar and the crowd cheered. Steven clapped and cheered for her along with the rest of them. Perhaps he did so with a conspicuous degree of enthusiasm, because she turned her head in his direction and smiled at him, like she found him charming. Steven flushed and shifted uncomfortably in his chair, then, dropped his eyes and pretended to check his phone. 

As the applause faded and the next musician took the stage, Connie returned to her seat, at an empty table, near the back of the shop. From here, she sipped her espresso and watched the performance in solitude. 

Before Steven even knew what he was doing, he had leapt out of his chair and wandered over to Connie’s table. 

“Hi,” Steven said to Connie nervously, “Your performance was beautiful. Do you mind if I join you?”

“Aww, _thank you_! Of course, sit down. I’d love for you to join me,” Connie invited cheerfully. 

Steven sat down in the chair across from Connie. She smiled at him in a politely sociable way and introduced herself:

“Hi, I’m Connie.”

“Nice to meet you. I’m Ste- _Stanley_. Stanley. My name is Stanley,” Steven insisted awkwardly, extending his hand in friendship.

Connie smiled at him and shook his hand.

“Are you a musician, Stanley?” Connie asked conversationally.

“Yeah, my band is performing later tonight,” Steven confirmed.

“Ooh, I can’t wait to see that. I bet you guys rock!” Connie remarked encouragingly.

“Yeah, we definitely rock…say…um…do you know Lars Barriga?” Steven asked, as it occurred to him that Connie might be able to figure out who he was by simply recognizing the people that he came in with. 

“Yeah, but not well. He’s a boy from my hometown. But we were never really friends,” Connie said. 

“Oh, yeah, because when I told him that I was going to come over here, he said that he knows you, and that you’re super cool, and that I should do it.”

“Wow, did _Lars_ say that?” Connie laughed, taking a sip of her espresso, “Well, tell him thanks for me.” 

“He’s right though. You _are_ super cool,” Steven said, grinning in a slightly flirty way.

“You’re too kind,” Connie said, good-humoredly, draining the last of her espresso from her cup, “Have you known Lars for long?”

“Not long, I met him a couple of years ago,” Steven lied, “Sooo…tell me more about you. I want to know everything about you. I mean, wow…what was that speech all about?”

“Yeah, sorry, it was a bit of a bummer.”

“Not at all!”

“Well…the speech was kind of an introduction to the song…and the song was kind of about an ex-boyfriend…and also it was about my husband, Kevin,” Connie said.

“I noticed you’re not wearing a ring,” Steven said.

“I don’t like to think about Kevin,” Connie replied, sounding broken.

“I’m sorry…I guess you two _um_ ….” Steven replied, though in truth he was _not_ sorry. He was not even _slightly_ sorry at the prospect of Connie and Kevin having split up. Knowing what a horn dog Kevin was, Steven wondered if the break up was because of infidelity. The part of him that was still mad at Connie really _hoped_ that the break up was because of infidelity. And so he asked: “So, um, why did you divorce Kevin?” 

“Actually,” Connie corrected sullenly, “ _He’s_ _dead_.”

“Oh, wow… _I’m sorry_ ,” Steven said, and this time, he meant it.

“He was killed in one of Pink Diamond’s raids. A bomb went off near our house and he was crushed to death under the rubble. So, I’m a widow, not a divorcee. Though, I can see how you might make that mistake,” Connie said.

“Oh… _wow_ …Connie…I’m sorry,” Steven said again, because it was the socially appropriate thing to say. In truth, a part of him was _not_ sorry. A part of him saw the whole dead husband thing as the perfect opportunity to swoop in and reclaim Connie for himself, “It must be hard for you with a kid on the way and all.”

“Oh, yeah, it’s definitely terrifying.”

“It can be hard for a kid, you know, _not having a father_ ,” Steven pressed boldly.

“Yeah, I know, but…I don’t think I’m ready to start dating again,” Connie said, “I’m still grieving…and besides, it might be a little selfish of me.”

“ _Selfish?_ ” Steven contradicted pointedly, “How would _that_ be selfish?”

“Well…statistically speaking, boys with step fathers _do worse_ , than boys with no fathers,” Connie said.

“That’s nonsense. And I take offense to it,” Steven argued passionately, but good-naturedly, “Step families can be just as good as biological ones. I was raised by a step family and _I_ turned out _just fine_.”

Connie laughed at that, and said with a great deal more warmth than she had intended:

“You’re sweet, Stanley.”

Noticing the way that Connie was now looking at him, Steven decided to press his advantage:

“How about I take you to dinner after the show? I mean, just as friends, no pressure. It doesn’t have to be a date. I know you’re still grieving.”

“Oh…well…when you put it that way, then, ok,” Connie said, smiling in a slightly infatuated way. It seemed that Steven had managed to smooth talk her out of her previous resolve, “You seem like a really nice guy, Stanley. I guess dinner couldn’t hurt.”

“So, that’s a yes, then?” Steven sought confirmation excitedly.

“That’s a yes.”

“ _Yes_!” Steven celebrated in an undignified fashion. 

His reaction made Connie giggle and blush. 

It was then that Lars wandered over to their table, tapped Steven on the shoulder, and interrupted dryly:

“Hey Romeo, _we’re up next_.”

This jarred Steven back to reality. 

“Oh, right! I guess I better get up there then!” Steven said, standing up quickly, “I’ll see you after the show, Connie!”

“See you!” Connie confirmed again cheerfully. Then, she waved and said: “Break a leg up there, Stanley! Oh….but _not_ literally!”

“Haha, I’ll try not to,” Steven replied a bit nervously. 

Steven walked back to his table and grabbed his guitar. Then, he headed up to the stage. Lars and the Off Colors followed. 

Steven readjusted the mic stand. Then, strummed his guitar once to make sure that it was tuned correctly. He grabbed the mic, stared out into the crowd, and opened his mouth to introduce the band. 

Then, he noticed Jasper standing in the crowd, and the words caught in his throat. 


	17. EPISODE 16 : DIAMONDS COLLIDE

Jasper waved at Steven from a table near the front of the crowd, and her powerful jaw curled into an awkward smile. She was wearing a brown trench coat with the collar popped and a broad-brimmed brown fedora, apparently to blend with the crowd. The outfit hid most of her orange skin and obscured her face from most angles. 

Steven cleared his throat awkwardly, and adjusted his grip on the guitar. Suddenly, he was painfully aware of all of the eyes in the audience trained on him. His heart began to pound violently in his chest, and his eyes watered.

Jasper’s awkward grin broadened over her bone-crushing teeth. Then, she held up a small cardboard sign, which read: _I ♥_ _Rose_

Steven felt a nervous flush heat his face. Then, he forced a timid, apprehensive smile, and waved back at her. This seemed to please her because she responded by cheering and lifting the sign. 

Steven took a deep breath, and then, managed to overcome his initial stage fright. 

“Hey, Everyone. My name is Stanley Rose, and _these guys_ are _The Off Colors_ ,” Steven announced into the microphone. 

The crowd applauded politely. Jasper hooted enthusiastically and held up her sign.

Lars and The Off Colors played a short lead-in instrumental. Then, Steven, proceed to sing a cover of _Boys Will be Bugs_ by Cavetown, while performing the lead guitar line:

“”

When the song was finished, the crowd cheered. Jasper stood up and clapped loudly. Then, shouted, like a groupie, at a real concert:

“ _I love you, Stanley!_ ”

Just then, a sudden and astonishing tremor shook the coffee shop. People stumbled and dropped their drinks, breaking glasses; bumping into each other; hitting the floor face-first. The brick walls of the coffee shop wobbled like four cards at the base of a precarious card castle. People screamed and ducked under tables as the building was ripped off of its foundation.

As all of this was happening, Steven froze in place, his eyes growing wide with fear. Before he knew what was happening, there was no longer a roof over his head, only an endless expanse of starlit sky. 

Steven saw the Silhouette of White Diamond’s torso-shaped ship in the distance. Then, he heard the immortal empress give her underlings an order:

“ _Blue_ , _Yellow,_ put that meddlesome boy _back in his place_. I would teach him a lesson myself, but such trifling nonsense is _below my station_.” 

Hearing this, Steven’s brown irises shifted to hot pink without his permission. He gripped the mic stand like a potential bludgeon as Blue and Yellow Diamond emerged from the torso-shaped ship. The crowd gasped. Some people fled the building out of terror. Others took out their cell phones and snapped a few choice celebrity pics.

Blue approached the stage from the right, looking somber and pulling a long, blue katana from the gem in her chest. Yellow approached the stage from the left, looking stern, and pulling a long, yellow saber from the gem in _her_ chest. As they closed in, Steven became so terrified that he lost his disguise. His body expanded, his clothes stretched uncomfortably, his pants split, and his clothes ripped at the seams. 

The crowd gasped as it was revealed to them That Stanley Rose was actually Pink Diamond. Some people fled at the mere sight of him. Others, simple took their cell phones out and snapped picture after picture, while gossiping excitedly to their friends. 

“Steven, your behavior is in violation of White’s treaty with the governments of Earth,” Yellow informed Steven sternly, as she brandished her saber in his direction, “Now all of the negotiations we made are null and void. All of our diplomatic victories with Earth’s governments are meaningless now, and all of our sacrifices were _for nothing_.”

“Steven, we don’t want to have to hurt you,” Blue said, tears running down her unearthly face as she brandished her blue katana in Steven’s direction, “So, please, surrender to us peacefully. Return with us to White’s ship willingly, apologize, call off your armies, and she _will_ be merciful.” 

“I…am sick and tired of everybody treating me like I’m _an idiot_!” Steven growled back, summoning his pink shield and staring them both down. For some reason that he didn’t quite understand, they were both wearing sunglasses, “Maybe _White’s_ the idiot. Did you ever think of that? Her treaties were insufficient to protect the people of Earth from themselves! And they included a provisions for a concentration camp were gem hybrids are experimented on! What kind of a treaty is _that_?”

“Concessions must be made in a negotiation, Steven,” Yellow defended her decision crossly. 

“We only made these negotiations with Earth…instead of destroying it…. _for you_ , Steven,” Blue said sorrowfully, as more tears leaked from her unearthly face, “As a boy, you rallied for peace. But you are old enough to understand now that _peace isn’t free_. Sacrifices must always be made.”

“So anti-gem prison camps were something that you let them have _in the negotiations_? I _don’t_ accept that,” Steven growled, “You’re just going to bow down to these weak, insignificant, mortal government men and let them do whatever they want to each other, even though _you_ know better! You’re like gods compared to them. You _could crush_ them, like bugs underneath of your feet!”

“Steven, I’m giving you one last chance. Come back to the ship and apologize to White,” Yellow growled with finality and frustration.

“ _No._ How about this instead?” Steven muttered back, staring Yellow down combatively,“You go back to that ship and tell White, to come out _here_. And apologize. To _ME_.”

This insult was too much for Yellow and she yelled out angrily, moving to strike Steven with her weapon. It seemed, she was no longer in the mood to negotiate. 

Steven blocked Yellow's dagger with his pink Shield. She struck again, but Steven was very, very fast and he easily dodged it. Now Blue jumped into the fray, swinging her blue katana with the beauty and grace of a twirling whirlpool. The long tendrils of her blue hair flipped around her as she moved to impale Steven with her weapon. He was so fast, however, that she only managed to scratch him.

Steven staggered backward, and quickly healed the bleeding slice in his arm. While he had his back turned, Yellow crept up and inflicted a brutal wound between his feet and ankle bones, clearly designed to incapacitate him so that he could be dragged away. This made him stop, drop to his knees, and scream. The wounds healed themselves almost immediately, but her attempt to hobble him still _hurt_ really, _really_ bad. 

Steven staggered to his feet and summoned a spiked bubble.

Seeing that Steven was struggling to vanquish his rivals, Jasper shed her hat and trench coat. Then, jumped into the fray. 

“You’re going to pay for that, bitch!” Jasper bellowed, as she dawned her horned battle helmet and charged at Yellow Diamond, like a bull. Now, the two huge women sparred. Steven turned his head away from the startling scene. He didn’t have time to watch them battle, or to gauge which one of them was winning. He had Blue Diamond to worry about. 

Blue Diamond charged at Steven with her katana raised, intent on impaling him. Steven generated a huge, spiked force field and shot it at Blue Diamond. 

Blue Jumped into the air, with a graceful somersault, and avoided being knocked out by the vicious blow. The force field flew past her and demolished the neighboring building. Blue swiped at Steven’s vulnerable gut region, but at the last second, without even thinking about it, Steven generated a duplicate of Rose’s sword and blocked her lunge. 

Now, Steven and Blue Diamond fought with blades. However, Steven had some considerable experience as a sword fighter. As Stevonnie, he had trained extensively on the subject, under Pearl’s tutelage. So, he was very confident with a blade, and easily blocked all of Blue’s graceful lunges. Blue seemed surprised by Steven’s considerable prowess in battle, frightened even. She stumbled backward and her eyes got very wide as he advanced on her, grinning wickedly. Then, he aimed a decisive blow at her gut.

Steven’s pink sword impaled the length of Blue’s massive body and she gasped in a pain and astonishment. Then, poofed into a spectacular blue cloud. 

Before Steven had time to pick Blue’s gem out of the rubble and bubble it, however, he heard Jasper cry out in pain. He turned quickly and saw that Yellow Diamond had sliced Jasper across the face with her dagger. Jasper staggered and clutched at her bleeding face. Yellow advanced on Jasper with her with her sword raised, intent on poofing her.

Seeing this, Steven crept up behind Yellow and drove his sword between her shoulder blades. Yellow screamed and dropped her sword. Then, poofed into a spectacular golden cloud. Steven didn’t stop to pick Yellow’s gem out of the rubble, and bubble it. Instead, he ran straight toward jasper.

Jasper clutched her bleeding mouth with one beefy hand. The blood poured over her think fingers, staining her neck and chest, but she seemed determined not to poof. She stared at Steven with frightening, bloodthirsty eyes as he approached her. Her hand slipped off of the wound, as he embraced her heartily. Then, he leaned in and laid a wet sloppy kiss on her bleeding mouth, so that his saliva would heal the injury

When the kiss was done, Jasper wiped pink slime off of her repaired mouth, and embraced Steven back. Then, she returned his kiss with aggressive fever, while gripping his plush butt with both beefy orange hands. 

“Dude, _look out!_ ” Lars shouted from his hiding place, crouched behind his drum set.

This warning snapped Steven back to reality. He pushed Jasper off of him, and regenerated his pink sword and shield, poising to strike. 

It was just in time too, because White Diamond had just emerged from her torso-shaped space craft, and she looked _furious_.


	18. EPISODE 17 : DIAMONDS COLLIDE PART II

White Diamond emerged from her ship, looking thoroughly angry. Those few spectators brave enough to remain huddled in the coffee shop, filming this confrontation with their phones, for their various Instagrams, oohed and ahhed at the sight of her. She was a dazzling presence. And her sparkling heels cut tractor-sized tacks in the scattered debris, as she moved with an unearthly level of grandeur and purpose toward the stage. 

Steven pointed his sword at her, and stared her down. White readjusted her sunglasses coolly, and then, laughed at him, like she found his antics adorable and amusing.

“My, _my_ , you’ve proven yourself _quite the handful_ , Starlight,” White crooned condescendingly. 

“White, listen to me! We don’t have to fight! You can _join me_!” Steven invited passionately, however, he did not poof away his weapons to extend his hand in friendship. The look on White’s face was far too frightening for that. Despite White’s relaxed demeanor and patronizing tone, Steven could tell that, inwardly, this massive and radiant galactic dictator was _seething with rage_. It was a rage so apparent that Steven could feel it radiating over him (even through those white, pointy, 70’s-style sunglasses that she had on). 

Steven proceeded to explain his point of view to White. White pretended to listen for a short while but she became annoyed by his attempt at diplomacy very quickly. He continued to talk but his words only served to build her considerable rage. 

White checked an imaginary watch on her wrist, and then, interrupted Steven’s passionate speech with insulting dismissiveness:

“That’s enough now, dear. Now, if you don’t mind, it’s time for you to come back to the ship with me, and _beg_ my forgiveness.”

“I’m _not_ going to do that,” Steven growled, staring her down defiantly.

“Oh we’ll see about _that_ , Starlight,” White replied sounding extremely confident and unconcerned, “Come now, before you try my patience, Steven. If you keep this foolishness up much longer, I’m afraid, your punishment will be _much more severe_.”

This comment drove Steven over the edge. White Diamond’s dismissive and condescending treatment toward Steven, was scalding to his considerable pride. So, he screamed and ignited in pink glow. Then, he expanded to the size of his adversary, having resolved not just to poof her, but to _shatter_ her once and for all. 

Now the size of a titan, Steven stared straight into White’s sunglass-covered eyes, rather than glaring up at them. But White had far too much pride to take him at all seriously, even in _this_ form. She smirked at him, without flinching, putting up her hands to cover her face, or even, taking an apprehensive step backward.

Steven raised his sword and aimed it at her luminous head. However, white was much faster than him and easily ducked before he could strike her. He attempted to strike her again, and again, and again, but each time, White easily stepped out of the way. Sometimes, as she did this, she would yawn, or chuckle at him like he was he an adorable pet doing something naughty but comical, like rubbing it’s butthole on the carpet. 

Steven flushed furiously as White easily evaded another one of his assaults, and then, laughed and pointed at him. 

“I’ll _shatter you_ , you _bitch_!” Steven screamed indignantly, poofing away his weapons, and instead, flinging his fist at White’s head. This time, he managed to clock her in the nose.

Now, trickles of white blood gushed White Diamond’s radiant nostrils, and her condescending smirk sank into a furious scowl. Steven withdrew his fist, which was pounding and sore, from having made contact with White Diamond’s rock hard face. Steven retreated and looked down at his aching hand to survey the damage. There were cuts and bruises on his knuckle. He willed them to heal. However, they did not. 

Seeing the confused and frightened look on Steven’s face, as he came to the realization that his injuries were no longer healing, White Diamond laughed wickedly. Steven attempted to summon his weapons again, but found that he could not. Then, he attempted to summon a force field, but again, nothing happened. 

“Whatever you just did to me. You better _un_ do it,” Steven growled, putting up his fists.

“Or what? You’re going to beat me up? Widdle human Steven’s going to beat me up. Oooh, I’m sooo scared,” White Diamond taunted. 

Steven aimed another punch at White’s head. She ducked the blow. Then, snapped her fingers, and reverted Steven back to his original size. 

Steven concentrated hard and attempted to expand his form again, so that he could match White’s strength. However, he found that he could not. He was completely powerless now, just as he had been at the government facility. 

“You…you shut off my powers!” Steven gasped, massaging his smarting knuckle as he glared up at the now towering White Diamond, “Just like… _the government_!”

“Well, actually, yes. _Exactly_ like the government. The drug that they use to suppress abilities in hostile hybrids is made from _my_ blood after all,” White informed him sweetly.

“How _could_ you?”

“Without to technology to contain hazardous nuisances, Steven, there can be _no_ society. The American government came to me with a problem, this problem being _criminals that they couldn’t control_ , and _I_ , being the good and wholesome mother of the galaxy that I am, provided them a necessary solution,” White said. 

“There’s nothing ‘good’ or ‘wholesome’ about _what you did_!” Steven shouted. 

“You know now that you’re not a threat to me, right darling?” White Diamond crooned, condescendingly “Now, how about you forget all of this nonsense and surrender already. You _will_ surrender eventually, Steven, it’s just a matter of time.”

“I will never surrender! _Never._ Do you hear me!” Steven yelled.

“Oh, dear. I’m afraid you are testing my patience, Starlight,” White said, and then, she shrank down to about Steven’s height, and put up her fists, “There now, I think that’s a fair compromise. Now, Steven, you can’t say that I didn’t vanquish you _fair and square_.”

Steven yelled and barreled toward White with his fists raised. She quickly ducked out of the way to avoid the blow. He turned around and came back, aiming punch after furious punch at her smirking face, but none of his punches landed. She was far too fast. 

“Why are you running, you coward! Come over here and _fight me for real!_ ” Steven shouted, now exhausted hyperventilating, from the fruitless chase. 

“I can’t, darling. I promised your mothers that I wouldn’t hurt you,” White sighed, cracking her knuckles. 

Just then, Jasper snuck up behind White Diamond and tried to clobber her over the head with a folding chair. White ducked out of the way, snapped her fingers, and froze Jasper in place.

“This interruption displeases me,” White muttered with mild frustration. Then, she snapped her fingers and all of the color drained out of Jasper. Now totally white, Jasper staggered about the stage like a puppet caught in the breeze.

“Jasper, teach this naughty brat a lesson,” White ordered nonchalantly, pointing a long fingernail in Steven’s direction.

“Yes, My Diamond,” Jasper replied in White’s voice. Then, she promptly obeyed the order. 

White Jasper bounded toward Steven with her fist’s raised, and clocked him in the face, before he even had time to register what was happening. Steven felt his teeth loosen, and he tasted blood, but he didn’t punch back. Steven knew from experience that he possessed the raw power to shatter Jasper without even meaning too. So, he didn’t fight back. Fearing that a misplaced punch could end her life, Steven avoided punching all together. Instead he repeatedly evaded White Jasper’s furious assaults. But he was getting tired now, and he was getting slow. More of her punches were landing, and every one of them left a painful bruise that wouldn’t heal.

“Aw, _that’s cute_. You don’t want to hurt your little friend?” White said with a condescending smile.

“She’s not the one that I’m trying to shatter, White,” Steven growled. He staggered and cradled his bruised belly, spitting a wad of blood out on to the stage. 

“Oh dear, it’s seemed you’ve taken _quite a beating_. Well, I think you’ve been punished enough now. Ready to give up yet, Starlight?” White asked, batting her luminous eyelashes innocently at him.

“No! I thought I told you I’m _never_ giving up!” Steven yelled, wiping blood off of his mouth, and blinking back tears. He was nauseous, and dizzy, and he wanted to lie down but he struggled against the pain, determined to keep fighting to the bitter end. Whatever the consequences, he would not surrender to White; he would not give her the satisfaction of giving up. He sniffled and a few tears spilled out of his swollen black eyes and over his bruised face as he staggered to his feet.

“Oh Steven, you know I hate to see you cry,” White crooned affectionately.

“Sh-shut up, _I’m not crying!_ ” Steven wept, wiping tears and snot off of his cringing face with the backs of his hands.

“Oh, my poor Steven. No, this won’t do at all,” White mused to herself contemplatively. Then, she snapped her fingers and Steven’s injuries were instantly healed.

“There we go. All better now,” White said, “Ready to give up yet, Starlight?”

“NO!”

“Jasper, stand down,” White ordered. Just as Jasper was winding up for yet another brutal assault.

“Yes, My Diamond,” White Jasper replied in White Diamond’s voice. She flashed the Diamond solute, and then, went still, like a statue. 

Now that White Jasper was no longer standing in his way, Steven bounded forward and wound back his fist, aiming to punch out White Diamond’s forehead gem. White Diamond easily dodged the blow, and then, swung back around and smacked Steven hard across his meaty chops. Steven’s choked back a yelp of pain and his face flushed furiously. Now enraged, he yelled and aimed another punch at White Diamond, followed by a vicious, sweeping kick. But White was far too fast and she easily ducked out of the way. Then, she came up behind Steven and slapped on the backside again.

“OW! That’s it, White! You just poked a bear!” Steven yelled indignantly, still furiously flushing. 

Steven bounded forward and aimed a punch at White’s belly, but she stepped to the side, and let him run right past her, then, swung around and whacked his behind hard with her backhand. Steven growled furiously and proceeded to make a quick string of violent attempts on White’s life, but each time, his efforts were thwarted. And each time, the quick bitch, somehow managed to get behind him and whack his butt before he even had a chance to turn around. Slowly, and with a growing soreness in his rump, Steven came to realization that he wasn’t really fighting White anymore, now, he was just getting spanked by her. 

Steven, stopped, and bent double, clutching his side, and wiping sweat off of his blushing forehead. White smirked at him maliciously, obviously, anticipating victory. 

“What’s a matter, Steven? Does your widdle tushy hurt? Are you _humiliated_? Are you gonna’ cwry again?” White taunted nastily. And then, she laughed at him in a decidedly malicious way. 

“Yeah, go on, White. Laugh it up. It’s real funny,” Steven growled, “Let’s see how high and mighty you are, after I’ve _murdered_ you!”

Hearing this, White closed her eyes, threw back her head, and laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and laughed, _and_ …while she had her guard down, Steven took the opportunity to aim anther punch at the gem in her forehead. But, this time, White didn't jump out of the way. This time, she hesitated just a moment too long and _the punch landed_. 

White’s eyes shot open and she let out a cry of pain and surprise. Then, she poofed into a spectacular cloud of silver smoke.

As the radiant dust cleared, the few remaining spectators coughed up bits of White’s discarded form, and swiped peaces of her out of their watering eyes. Connie rose from her hiding place beneath the table, where she had previously been sitting. Her hair looked gray, like an old woman’s. She swiped some of the silver dust out of her hair, bent double, and coughed up a cloud of White Diamond particles, just in time to see Steven’s silhouette kneel down and pick something out of the rubble. 

As the smoke cleared, Connie crept cautiously closer to Steven. She opened her mouth to speak but found that she could not. Her mouth had been open at the moment of White Diamond’s poofing, and her lungs were now full of White Diamond dust. Connie choked and gasped and sputtered. She wanted to say something to Steven, but she couldn’t quite manage it. Her violent coughing fits wouldn’t allow for it.

“Connie are you ok?” Steven said, as he attempted to bubble White Diamond’s gem, and failed. It seemed, his pink bubbles were not powerful to contain the immortal titan. 

Connie coughed in response, expelling another white cloud from her throat.

“Connie…do you need some water?” Steven asked worriedly, “No, wait. You don’t have to answer that. I’m sorry. Just sit down and rest. I’ll get you something.”

Steven pulled out a chair for Connie and she collapsed into it, coughing violently. 

As the white fog slowly faded, Jasper stepped forward and addressed Steven officially, flashing him the diamond solute as she did so:

“Steven, what are you doing? You have to bubble White Diamond! Right now!”

“I…I’m trying. She doesn’t want to bubble,” Steven said pulling the three poofed gems of the three vanquished diamonds out of the pocket of his stretched, ripped, and ruined pink letterman jacket, “None of them want to bubble, and…I…I don’t think my bubbles are strong enough to hold them.”

“Then we have to shatter them before they reform!” Jasper shouted.

“I… _there must be another way_ ,” Steven murmured, glancing down at his feet. He put the three gems back at his pocket, and straightened up. 

Lars and the Off Colors emerged from the fog. The Off Colors stared at Steven in amazement. None of them were big fans of White Diamond, (since she was responsible for the laws and policies, which had forced them all into hiding in the first place) so they all loudly celebrated Steven’s victory. Then, they all flashed Steven the diamond solute, keeled low before him, and addressed him respectfully as “My Diamond.”

Lars brushed white diamond dust off of his jacket. Then, he finger combed some of it out of his pink Mohawk. Lars wasn’t much for kneeling, but he acknowledged Steven’s victory in his own uniquely Lars way, with a nervous, sideways grin, and an astounded, but congratulatory:

“ _Dude._ ”

It was then that White Diamond’s gem floated out of Steven’s pocket and started glowing. 

“Steven, she’s about to reform!” Jasper shouted urgently, as the white light radiating out of White Diamond’s gem slowly stretched and expanded. “Steven, she won’t hold back this time! You have to shatter her!”

“Steven, _buddy_ …,” Lars chimed in reluctantly, “I hate to say this, dude, but maybe it’s just not possible to defeat her. I mean…I don’t like it anymore than you do but…maybe…the only thing left to do is just apologize and beg for your life.”

“Can it, noodle boy,” Jasper growled elbowing Lars in the ribs. 

“Ow, _hey_!” Lars growled angrily, rubbing the spot where Jasper had bumped him, “Steven, are you going to let her talk to me like that!”

“Steven, I’ve been meaning to tell you something! I don’t like your stupid friend! He’s a _bad influence_!” Jasper shouted at Steven as the glow radiating out of White Diamond’s gem expanded further.

As Steven continued to watch White Diamond’s gem reform, he blinked back tears and did a few deep breathing exorcises that he’d learned from his therapist. One thing was for sure. He definitely couldn’t defeat White Diamond alone. He would have to fuse with somebody. 

“I can’t do this alone,” Steven said out loud, “Quick, I need someone to fuse with! Any volunteers?”

Jasper extended her hand and nodded.

“I volunteer,” she said.

Then, Connie stood up and coughed. She pointed at her self, and then, she coughed. She pointed at Steven, and then, she wheezed and choked up more diamond dust. Then, she tapped at herself again, and extended her hand in Steven’s direction. Apparently, this was her way of saying, without words, that she volunteered as well.

Steven didn’t have time to think. This whole situation was triggering so many confusing feelings, but he didn’t have the luxury of mulling them over, or debating with himself over the long list of pros and cons that came with either option. No. He had to make a quick decision, before his enemy re-spawned: Fuse with _Jasper_ or fuse with _Connie_?

Now, any good Sapphire will tell you that the future is not a certainty, nor is it linear. The future exists not as a single straight line, but as a branching path, connecting multiple potential future realities. What many Sapphires will _not_ tell you, however, is that each of these potential realities, regardless of relevance to our particular timeline, is equally as real. Futures that you don’t see come to pass don’t just disappear. They happen. They simply happen outside of the realm of our experience, in an alternate universe. 

Why do I mention this? Well, put simply. There is a universe were Steven took _Jasper’s_ hand. And there is a universe were Steven took _Connie’s_ hand. And, whichever option you personally prefer, both of those futures are _equally_ as real. 

However, the events of those two resulting parallel universes are actually quite different. As you shall soon see. 


	19. INTERMISSION II : FUTURE VISION

<>

Click [HERE](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23362543/chapters/57365362) to take Jasper’s hand.

Click [HERE](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23362543/chapters/57367987) to take Connie’s hand.

<>


	20. EPISODE 18 A : THE EVENTS OF TIMELINE A

Steven reached out and grabbed Jasper’s hand, as he did so, Jasper grinned amorously and pulled him towards her. There was an explosion of light and they merged into one.

As the light faded, a colossal and androgynous creature emerged. The creature had orange skin, pink stripes, and a crown of tall, insect-like horns. This newly spawned monster was girthy, and muscled, with thick, powerful arms, muscular legs like the trunks of red woods, and abs that looked like they could crack artillery shells in their creases.

The glow faded from White Diamond’s gem and she regained her form. At her default size, White was about the same height as Steven and Jasper’s fusion. 

“Oh, dear, now I’m afraid you’ve made me _very angry_ , Starlight,” White Diamond breathed dangerously, bearing her sparkling teeth at them. She straightened her skewed white sunglasses and glowered at them murderously.

Before White had the chance to attack, Steven and Jasper’s fusion, jumped onto the stage, causing the floor to tremble as though stricken by a sudden earth quake. The fusion grabbed the mic and screamed into it passionately: “My name is Champaign Diamond, but you can call me _Champ_ for short! And we are here to _scream_ unto you _shatter_! One. Two! Three! _Four!_ ” 

Champ grabbed Steven’s guitar off of the ground and started playing an aggressive tune. Then, they began to sing a cover of _I Like it Heavy_ by Halestorm:

“”

As they did this, their shattering bellow caused a shock wave, which made every gem present (excluding the diamonds) shatter on contact, and every human present go permanently deaf. The shrieks of the human were drowned out by the frequency of Champ’s powerful bellow. 

Everywhere, the humans who had been foolish enough not to flee before this point, staggered around, with blood pouring out of their ears, sobbing, and frothing at the mouth, and writhing on the floor. Connie felt a torrent of blood spurt from between her legs as the fetus of her unborn child was forcibly ejected. 

White Diamond, herself was knocked back on her ass by the powerful noise. She grimaced and staggered to her feet, struggling to move toward the stage and poof that fusion apart. But Champ’s shattering scream kept knocking her back like an invisible tidal wave. 

As the song concluded, Champ’s voice grew tired, their throat grew sore, and they became selectively mute.

“Nice try,” White Diamond muttered, readjusting her skewed sunglasses again, “But Pink’s shattering scream couldn’t break me and _yours_ can’t either.”

“Bitch, I’ll _still_ break you!” Champ rasped hoarsely. Then, they jumped off of the stage and assaulted White Diamond with a vicious headbutt, slamming their horned head into her torso and knocking her back several hundred yards, so that her huge body smashed a church and a post office.

White Diamond rose to her feet and darted back to the coffee shop at the speed of light. Then, aimed a furious punch at Champ's nose, which missed badly. Champ retaliated with a barrage of quick, brutal punches. White was still _very_ fast, and still easily dodged each lightening fast blow. However, this time, she did not look so confident about her ability to evade her enemy's attacks. This time, she looked alert, apprehensive, and _possibly_ , even the _slightest bit_ frightened. 

Champ swung around fast and surprised White with a quick elbow to the gut, which caused the massive dictator to hunch forward and gasp. While White was distracted by the sudden, unexpected flash of pain, Champ grabbed her by the leg, swung her around like a cyclone, and threw her across the city again. This time, the impact of While's fall crushed half a school building and the resulting shock wave caused a small earth quake, which took out a row of modest single family homes. 

White diamond staggered to her feet and screamed. Then, she ran back to the coffee shop at the speed of sound and kicked Champ in the crotch so hard that they flew several dozen feet into the air. Champ hit the ground hard and howled in pain, clutching their groin, then, they quickly split back into Steven and Jasper. Upon un-fusing, Jasper poofed immediately. Steven, who could not poof, merely cradled his damaged genitals and whimpered. White Diamond had crushed his nuts flat like grapes, and the pain was bad that he felt like he was about to pass out.

“ _Ooh_ , it’s too bad you don’t poof, ay Starlight,” White Diamond mocked cruelly, acquiring the most loathsome shit-eating grin, “Looks like, now, Champ sings _soprano_.” 

Steven opened his mouth to retort, but found that it was too painful to speak. It seemed, his experience as Champ had left his throat very raw and sore. A wave of pain nausea came over him and he collapsed onto the ground, trembling and whimpering. White took this opportunity to overpower Steven’s mind. She snapped her fingers and all of the color drained out of him.

“Steven, dear, would you be a doll and go back to the ship with me?” White inquired of her new Steven puppet casually.

“Yes, My Diamond, I hear and obey,” Steven’s mouth replied in White Diamond’s voice.

Then, Steven’s limp body glided toward the entrance of the ship, and he disappeared inside of it. 

…

Not long after that, Blue and Yellow Diamond regained their forms. They gasped in shock and surprise as they found themselves in the throne room of White’s ship. White was sitting on her angular, translucent throne, beaming at them in a slightly furious way, while her frozen Steven puppet looked on with hollow, lifeless eyes. 

“Oh my…it is very unfortunate that it had to come to this,” Blue Diamond uttered sorrowfully, “Poor Steven.”

“Looks like you managed to capture the bastard, kudos to you, My Diamond,” Yellow congratulated, flashing the diamond solute. 

“Oh, but White… you can’t leave him like that! It’s too _cruel_.” Blue murmured mournfully, blue tears pricking the corners of her eyes. 

“No, I suppose you’re right, Blue. I won’t keep him this way forever, I’ll move him to the room that we used to lock Pink in when _she_ got out of hand. That should hold him just fine.”

“Well, then, what are you waiting for?” Yellow demanded, “The boy’s half diamond! He could snap out of that trance at any second!”

“Oh my, no. At least not right away, anyway. I think I managed to put him out of commission for awhile. The pain should keep him locked in place long enough for us to hold a proper trial.”

“ _Proper trial?_ ” Yellow mocked in credulously, “My Diamond, _be reasonable!_ ”

“Calm yourself, Starlight. The trial is just a formality,” White Diamond, very pleasantly, sounding extremely confident and unconcerned, “It’s good politics.”

…

On the night of Steven’s trial, an audience of curious gems gathered in White’s throne room. Yellow Zircon stood before the audience, and presented the evidence against Steven. Blue Zircon (who had been hired to represent Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl) argued against Yellow Zircon’s claims by presenting a host of mitigating factors. And while all this was happening, White sat in her throne, behind both of the zircons, looking bored and annoyed. To her left, the zombified White Steven stood in dead-eyed suspended animation. 

“It cannot be denied that this hybrid openly defied the orders of White Diamond, to the point of utter disaster. He unspeakable destruction in lieu of her command to call off his armies, and countless innocent lives were lost,” Yellow Zircon announced confidently.

“Objection, My Diamond, Steven cannot be held fully responsible for these unfortunate tragedies! I present to you as evidence, a map of Steven’s half-human genome,” Blue Zircon countered, pointing to a scientific-looking image of human chromosomes that she had taped to a rolling board for the occasion, “Now, if you look closely, you will notice that Steven inherited a human Y chromosome from his father. What does this mean, you may ask? Well, it means…he’s _a male_.”

Blue Zircon proceeded to explain to her audience (most of whom, had never seen or spoken to a male of any species before, and had not even the faintest preconception of what a “male” actually was.) how sexual reproduction worked, and why the existence of human males was necessary to the continuation of the human species.

“As male humans grow from these immature larva called ‘boys’ into sexually-matured, living injectors called ‘men,’ they begin to produce an increased level of the hormone _testosterone_ , which, in turn, increases levels violence and aggression,” Blue Zircon continued, “At the time of these crimes, Steven Universe was a fully matured male, producing a high level of _testosterone_ , which overpowered his logical mind, making him violent, aggressive, moody, and defiant. _Therefore_ , Steven cannot be held fully responsible for these atrocious crimes, and should be shown _mercy_. The defense pleads _insanity_!”

The crowd of gem spectators looked on with interest. Many of them were a little confused by Zircon’s science mumbo jumbo and still didn’t quite get what a “male” was. However, the abstract alien concept of “maleness” was still extremely fascinating to them. Upon having this abstract concept described to them, many gems in the audience imagined a small larval boy explode into a big evil, dangerous, scary, monster man, and destroy a small city with his puberty-induced testosterone rage.

“I call to the stand Steven’s father, _human male Greg_!” Blue Zircon announced.

Greg rose from his seat and walked to the front of the room. Many of the gems in the audience gasped, as Greg removed his hat and shades and they got a better look at him. Some of the gems present in the audience openly gawked at Greg’s beard and bald spot, like he was a fascinating abomination, floating in an aquarium tank.

“This, my friends. Is a real, live, genuine, _human male fertilizer tube conveyance_!” Blue Zircon introduced Greg, degradingly. The crowd gasped as though she had just pulled back the curtains on a two-headed giraffe at a freak show. 

“Um…hi?” Greg addressed the crowd with some embarrassment, raising his hand in a half-hearted wave.

“Note the hair on his face, the shiny bald dome, _the vacant expression_!” Blue Zircon exclaimed pointing at Greg accusingly.

“Now _wait a minute_ …” Greg protested timidly.

Blue Zircon cut him off in mid-sentence and kept talking:

“This wretched creature is so addled by _testosterone_ that he can barely function! He his given violent outbursts and irrational, animalistic fits of rage! Just look at how he responds to this… _banana_.”

Blue Zircon pulled a banana from her gem and waved it enticingly in Greg’s direction, then spoke to him in a baby voice, like he was a chimpanzee:

“Human man Greg want… _a banana_?”

“Thanks, but I just had lunch,” Greg mumbled insulted.

Blue Zircon pulled a Playboy Magazine out of her gem and waved it enticingly in Greg’s direction, along with the banana. Then, called:

“Human man Greg want… _a porno banana_?” 

“Hey!” Greg cried out indignantly, “I _am not_ a monkey, _ok_? I can walk, and talk, and read, and write, and do math, and mail letters, and _pay taxes_! And I’m not about to lose my mind and beat you up for a _banana_ and a _porno mag_ either!”

Hearing this, Blue Zircon walked up to Greg, looking very frustrated. Then, she bent down, and whispered in his ear:

“Pst. Hey. Human man Greg. What the hell are you doing? Do you _want_ Steven to hang?”

“N-no, of course not!” Greg gasped in horror.

“Then dance, monkey,” Blue Zircon whispered.

Blue Zircon retreated from Greg’s ear. Then, waved the banana and the porno mag in his face again.

“Ooh ooh ahh aahhh! Banana!” Greg grunted, jumping up and down like a mindless animal. He grabbed the banana and shoved it in his mouth. Then, reached for the porno mag, “Ooh ooh aah aah! Naked ladies! Ooh ooh aah aah! Greg masturbate!”

Blue Zircon jerked the magazine away before Greg had a chance to snatch it out her hands. Greg responded by bellowing with animal rage, and forcibly tackling her to the ground.

The crowd gasped in horror as Greg wrestled the porno mag out of Blue Zircon’s hand opened it up and put it on his head.

Blue Zircon stood up and brushed herself off.

“As you can see,” she said, “When presented with things that it wants, the human male is stricken with a mentally crippling testosterone-fueled madness, which renders it, _completely insane_! Therefore, Steven is a victim of his flawed, alien biology, and cannot be held fully accountable for his crimes!”

Greg trudged back to his seat, looking thoroughly humiliated. He was seated right next to Pearl, who had spent the entirety of the trial openly weeping.

“Wahhaaahha _aa_ …Steven…my poor Steven…,” Pearl sniffled, averting her eyes from Steven’s white, life-less body, floating at the front of the room.

“Here, Pearl,” Greg said, handing her the porno mag, “You could use this more than I could right now.

Pearl took the porno mag out of Greg’s hands and flipped through the pages.

“ _Ooh_ , p-pretty,” she sniffled between sobs.

Yellow Zircon walked to the front of the room and contradicted Blue Zircon’s claims passionately: “My opponent has made the claim that these smelly _eh hem_ …man creatures…are irrational beasts, that cannot be held accountable for their actions. However, I hold these claims is _fundamentally untrue_! Allow me to demonstrate. I call to the stand, human man creature _Lars_!”

The crowd gasped as Lars walked to the front of the room and stood beside Yellow Zircon. He slouched slightly and adjusted his hearing aids. 

“Yo, whats up? I’m human man creature Lars,” Lars addressed the crowd anticlimactically. The crowd utterly delighted, and, astounded by Lars’ ability to speak in complete sentences, broke into a barrage of enthusiastic cheers, like he was a dolphin that had just performed a delightful double flip.

“Man creature, Lars? _What’s two plus two?_ ” Yellow Zircon inquired sweetly, holding up a banana as a potential prize for guessing the answer to this question correctly. 

“ _What?_ ”

“What’s two plus two?” Yellow Zircon asked again.

“WHAT? You’ll have to speak up. I’m a little death in both ears!” Lars shouted.

“WHAT’S TWO PLUS TWO?” Yellow Zircon shouted.

“FOUR!” Lars shouted back.

Hearing this, the crowd cheered for Lars like he was an adorable sea lion that had just balanced a ball on its nose. Lars, took the banana out of Yellow Zircon’s hand, peeled it and started eating it. This triggered the enamored gem audience to break out in a collective: “ _Awwwww…_ ”

Then, without warning, Yellow Zircon, smacked the banana out of Lars’ hands.

“HEY! What the HELL?” Lars shouted angrily.

Yellow Zircon responded by backhanding Lars hard across the face.

“OW! _Quit it!_ ” Lars shouted in dignity, rubbing the sore spot on his face where Yellow Zircon had struck him. 

Yellow Zircon said nothing. She did not explain. Or apologies. Instead, she coolly slapped Lars across his other cheek, leaving another deep, red mark. This prompted Lars to grunt with pain and timidly retreat out of range, so as to avoid being struck by her again. 

“Note that I antagonize him, but he _does not_ respond with violence!” Yellow Zircon, “Instead, he _cowers_ and _retreats_! Now, tell me, if human man creatures are truly violent animals, incapable of reason, logic, and self control, as my opponent purports, then why does Lars monster not respond with _aggression_?

“Hey, um…can I have another banana?” Lars asked timidly.

Yellow Zircon pulled a second banana from her gem and handed it to Lars. He quickly backed away from her again, in case she decided to strike him one more time just to really drive her point home. Then, he peeled the banana and started nibbling it nervously.

“I rest my case,” Yellow Zircon said very confidently. Then, she shot Blue Zircon a silent brag look, with an arched eyebrow and a superior grin.

Blue Zircon groaned and rolled her eyes at Yellow Zircon indignantly. Yellow Zircon sat down, still grinning. Lars returned to his seat, still chewing the banana.

“I call to the stand _Steven’s caretakers_ , Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl!” Blue Zircon announced.

Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl rose from their seats and walked to the front of the room, to stand next to Blue Zircon.

Upon being called to the stand, Garnet turned to White Diamond and pleaded with her directly. Garnet knew very well that these trials were a formality and that it was ultimately White Diamond who made the decisions in these trials, regardless of what the jury decided. 

“Please, we know that Steven is a dangerous idiot, but he’s still our little boy, and we love him. Please have mercy on him. He has a human body! A gem punishment could _kill him_!” Garnet said, turning to speak directly to White Diamond. The fusion fell on her knees and bowed low White Diamond’s throne, laying herself prostrate, as she begged for mercy on behalf of her son.

“Waahhaaa ha _aaa!_ My poor baby!” Pearl whaled, falling on her knees before White Diamond’s throne, as streams of tears gushed from her blue eyes.

Silently, Amethyst took the cue from Garnet and Pearl to bow before White Diamond’s throne as well.

“Your concerns will be taken into consideration,” White Diamond replied pleasantly, “What revisions do you recommend that I make to this punishment, in order to accommodate the frailty of Steven’s human body?”

“You have to give him water. And food. A soft place to sleep, and a place to shower,” Garnet said. 

“I find that provision to be reasonable,” White Diamond replied pleasantly.

“And you have to give him ice cream and warm blankets when he’s sad, and tuck him in before bed with a-a lullaby so that he doesn’t have a nightmare, and he has to have his video games and computer, and a television, and a ukulele so he doesn’t get bored. And he has to have his cell phone so that he can call me whenever he wants to, whenever he needs me! So he never gets lonely!” Pearl sobbed.

“I find that provision to be _un_ reasonable,” White Diamond growled sternly.

“This is _my_ fault!,” Pearl whaled, standing up and staggering over to the left of White’s throne, where Steven’s petrified, white body was still floating. She threw her arms around Steven’s limp, paralyzed torso, and bellowed mournfully: “I-I didn’t know how to be a mother to a human boy! I _failed you_ as a parent!”

A few long moments passed, and, when Pearl showed no sign of letting go of Steven’s white, petrified body, Amethyst, walked up to her and tugged at her sleeve.

“Pearl,” she said sadly, “It’s time to sit back down.”

…

Steven woke up in an angular, high-ceilinged room, with crystalline, rose pink walls. It seemed that he was now laying face up on a thin, low quality mattress. He stared up at the high, rose-colored ceiling for a moment and let that sink in. Feeling a sharp pain in his heart, Steven sat upright and surveyed the rest of the small, angular room. It looked like a prison cell, and seemed to contain almost nothing, aside from himself. The only furniture was a toilet with no lid, a shower with no curtain, and the bare mattress that he was currently sitting on. There was nothing else. 

Feeling claustrophobic and panicy, Steven stood up and attempted to generate a spiked force field that he could use to knock out one of the crystalline prison walls. However, he found that he was unable to produce such a force field. He took a deep breath, and then, tried again, but still, _nothing_. It seemed that his powers were being suppressed again.

Realizing that he was trapped with no hope of escape, Steven curled into a huge ball on the meager mattress and wept. The uncomfortable springs creaked under his weight as he trembled and sobbed. 

It was then that White Diamond’s face appeared on a monitor in one of the walls and addressed Steven directly:

“ _Heello_ , Steven!” she called cheerfully. There was a clear note of celebratory victory in her voice that made Steven twitch hatefully. 

Steven sat up and sniffled, glaring angrily at White Diamond’s screen on the hidden wall monitor.

“Hello, _White Diamond_ ,” he growled.

“Oh, Starlight, there’s no need to be angry. I do believe that I gave you sufficient warning not to cross me. Now, _I’m afraid_ , you _will_ have to be punished.”

“P- _punished_?” Steven repeated fearfully, curling himself into a tighter ball and closing his eyes.

“Not physically, Starlight. I’m not a barbarian,” White Diamond assured him, “But I think that given your recent bad behavior, you have earned yourself a very, very long _time out_.”

“You’re going to keep me locked in this room f… _forever_?” Steven whimpered pitifully.

“Oh, goodness, _no_ , that would be terribly cruel! Only for ten thousand years, Starlight! Just long enough for you to have learned your lesson,” White assured him jovially, as though expecting Steven to take this news as a relief.

“T-ten thousand years!” Steven whaled, tears cascading down his cringing face like waterfalls, “ _My dad_ will be dead by then! Every h-human I know…will be DEAD!”

“Well, you should have thought about that before you tried to play Diamond,” White Diamond answered him cruelly.

“I…I don’t want to be a diamond anymore! _I just want my dad!_ ” Steven bawled.

“Sorry, Steven. You killed a lot of people in the name of The Diamond Authority against my _direct orders_. It would be _irresponsible_ of me not to punish you,” White Diamond said. 

“Well…I’ll get out of here _eventually_ , and when I finally do, I’ll hunt you down and SHATTER YOU!” Steven screamed furiously, “Do, you hear me, White! You won’t _ever_ be safe again! It might not be today! It might not be ten thousand years from today! But, _eventually…I will_ get you back for this! Mark my words, White, one day, you’ll rue the day you crossed _me_!”

White responded to these threats by simply turning off the monitor. Now, Steven was just alone in a dark room with his mental anguish and his angry thoughts. It was just the fist day of the fist year of his ten thousand year sentence, and already, he could feel his sanity slowly festering. 

Steven laid down again and cried for a long, long time. He cried until his eyes hurt, and head ached, and his nostrils were stuffy. Then, he cried some more. When dinner time finally arrived, Spinel warped into his cell to bring him a tasteless cube of nutrient mush, and a warm glass of water. 

“Ohhh….Steeeven! It’s _dinner time!_ ” Spinel called to him.

Steven, who was still curled into the fetal position, loudly sobbing, did not respond. Spinel put the tray down and crept over to him, looking worried.

“Hey, it’s me Steven, _it’s Spinel_. It’s your _best friend_!”

Steven didn’t respond to her. He just kept crying. 

“Hey, cheer up, Steven! White says that I can come here and visit you every once and awhile so that you don’t _go insaaaaane_!” Spinel announced joyfully, “She doesn’t want the solitary confinement to turn you into a… _whooo_ …scaaarry insane Steeeven. That means that you have to be my best friend now, for at least 10 thousand years, and you don’t have a choice! You _have_ to like me now. And you can’t ever run away from me again. Oh, Steven, we’re going to have so much fun together! _Hurraaaaay_!”

“ _Perfect_ ,” Steven mumbled miserably, sitting up and wiping his eyes.

His sarcasm was apparently lost on Spinel, who took the comment as a cue to sit down on the mattress next to Steven and cuddle one of his muscular arms.

“Are you hungry?” She asked him quietly, staring up at him with big, adoring, blood red eyes. 

“Do you have any food for me that isn’t that cube crap?” Steven sniffed angrilly.

“Sorry, I heard you were sad and wanted to bring you cookies. But White says, you can’t have them because you were a bad boy and you have to be punished,” Spinel said sadly.

“This _sucks_ …,” Steven pouted miserably, hanging his head in despair.

“I’m kind of a bad girl too though. I’m sorry that I shoved your head in the toilet, and stole all of your underpants, and made you loose your mind, Steven” Spinel apologized as she squeezed Steven’s beefy arm tightly, and kiss the bicep, “I promise I’ll be a good friend from now on. I promise I won’t be mean anymore and that I’ll be the bestest, nicest, sweetest friend ever. We can play all of the games that _you_ want to play. And if you feel bad, you can talk to me and hug me whenever you want, Steven, and then, you won’t feel so bad anymore…”

The room was silent for a moment, as Steven whimpered and wiped his face. Spinel continued to cling to his arm. So, he lifted his free arm and patted her head awkwardly.

Then, Steven smiled slightly, despite himself, embraced Spinel fondly, and replied:

“ _Thanks_ , Spinel. I’ll try to be a better friend too.”

_(Fin.)_


	21. EPISODE 18 B : THE EVENTS OF TIMELINE B

Steven reached out and to grab Connie’s hand. However, he must have badly misinterpreted Connie’s body language, because, as he did so, Connie jumped out of the way. Then, Steven tripped, and his glowing body fell into into Lars. There was an explosion of light and the two men merged into one.

As the light faded, a tall, skinny man with big, round eyes emerged. He had Steven’s coloring and thick eyebrows, as well as Lars’ gauges, and Mohawk, and general body type.

The glow faded from White Diamond’s gem and she regained her form. At her default size, White towered over Steven and Lars’ fusion. The fusion was about a head taller than Steven, who was quite tall, however, this Steven and Lars fusion was still comically minuscule in comparison to White Diamond. 

“Oh, dear, now I’m afraid you’ve made me _very angry_ , Starlight,” White Diamond breathed dangerously, bearing her sparkling teeth at them. She straightened her skewed white sunglasses and glowered at him murderously.

The Steven/Lars fusion staggered around in confusion for a moment, trying to decide what the hell he was and what the hell was going on. He knew that he should have felt bad about Connie’s recent rejection. No, _Sadie’s_ recent rejection. No, _Connie’s_ rejection. … _Sadie’s_ rejection? No, _Connie’s_. But he didn’t feel bad about one (or either) of those people anymore, all of that was just a confusing irrelevant jumble of somebody else’s story now. No, the fusion didn’t feel any kind of way about this girl. _Girls?_ Was it more than one girl or was it just one girl who went by two different confusing names? Whatever the hell it was, it didn’t matter anymore. Because this fusion gave exactly zero fucks about both (or either) of those stupid broads. And this throbbing pain in his heart was definitely just indigestion. He didn’t feel bad about them anymore. Not even slightly. Instead, he was living the care-free, no-strings-attached life of a young, single dude with no girlfriend hassling him, and it felt fucking _awesome_.

Suddenly, this Steven/Lars fusion knew _exactly_ who he was, he was the physical embodiment of... _THE ULTIMATE BRO_ (in all caps).

Realizing this, the fusion straightened up and named himself proudly, flashing White Diamond a flirty, sideways grin:

“Hey, baby. _I’m Stars_.” 

“You ready to die, _Stars_?” White Diamond whispered with an unsettling sickly sweetness, “Hahahaha…mobbing the floor with _you_ is going to be too easy, even for _me_ , Starlight!”

Stars laughed nervously, and then, replied with a cheerful grin:

“No, _Steven_ was the one who wanted to fight you. _Stars_ just wants to be friends.”

“Oh?” White Diamond replied with surprise, very taken aback by this startling development, “So, I don’t have to snap you in half, and drag you back to my ship kicking and screaming?”

Stars laughed again, then, he cringed timidly, and said in a playful, sing-songy voice:

“Don’t hurt me, please. _I’m pathetic_.”

Hearing this, White could not help but chuckle with genuine affection:

“My, well you _are_ cute, I must admit. But if you cross me, I must warn you, your boyish charms won’t save you.”

“Yeah, like I said, dude, crossing you was _Steven’_ s deal. Stars doesn’t want to fight you. _Stars_ wants to _worship you_ like the queen that you are,” Stars said, taking White by the massive hand and kissing her on the thumb, “ _Mah shey-ree_.”

White giggled like a school girl and flushed pink, causing Jasper to roll her eyes and mutter to herself gruffly.

“Oh _my_ , such a darling little human man monster,” White cooed, ruffling Stars’ black Mohawk. He looked up at her and smiled in a way that made his big, pink eyes crinkle at the corners. 

“Ugh. What does she see in that noodle arms, pancake butt, abomination?” Jasper muttered, crossing her arms and huffing jealously.

“Alright then, now, let’s go back to the ship, Starlight,” White invited, extending her massive hand, as though expecting Stars to grab a finger and walk with her.

“Aww, I was hoping we could hang out first,” Stars pouted, “ _At least_ let me play you a song.”

“I get the feeling that you’re _intentionally stalling_ , Starlight,” White accused with a hint of suspicion, “Don’t tell me that this whole gentleman caller routine is just a manipulation tactic to make me spare Steven, because if that’s the fact, then I should warn you that I don’t take kindly to those kinds of cheap tricks.” 

“Here’s something you should know about Stars, baby. Stars is a coward rat. He’ll sell Steven’s soul to the highest bidder for the right price, baby,” Stars assured her, still smiling that amorous sideways grin.

“Ooh, the more I learn about this Stars, the more _I like him_ ,” White Diamond replied mischievously, and then, she laughed. And then, _Stars laughed_. And then, the two laughed _together_.

Jasper mimed vomiting onto the dusty, white floor. Connie, choked and wheezed, and coughed up yet another silver cloud. 

“Fun is fun, but it’s time to go back to the ship and un-fuse, darling,” White said pleasantly.

“Aww…come on, White, just let me play you a song. Just _one_ song,” Stars implored, “Come on, baby. What are you _afraid_ of?”

“Absolutely nothing,” White replied, sounding slightly insulted at the implication that a being such as herself could possibly afraid of _anything_ , “Go on then, Stars…play me your song.”

White Diamond sat down on one of the coffee shop tables and it creaked under her considerable weight. 

Stars grinned and hopped onto the stage. Then, he grabbed the mic with one hand and Steven’s guitar with the other. The Off Colors took this as a cue to grab their instruments and hop on the stage as well. 

White watched Stars, looking thoroughly enchanted by his nonthreatening antics, as he smoothed back his black Mohawk, struck a seductive pose, and addressed what remained of the crowd.

“Alright, my dudes! This one’s for a very special, giant, sexy lady! You all know her as…. _White Diamond_!” Stars announced into the mic, then, he proceeded to play a cover of Queen of White Lies by The Orion Experience:

“”

As Stars and The Off Colors played, White Diamond stood and grinned at Stars amorously, a pink flush, tinting her colorless face. Drawn by his considerable charisma, white Diamond knelt closer to the stage, and beamed down at him as he gyrated his narrow hips suggestively in her direction. 

Throughout the course of the song, White Diamond had gradually inched her huge head, closer and closer to the stage. And, by the end of the song, her massive lips were about face level with Stars’. This prompted Stars to boldly lean in and kiss White Diamond on the mouth. As he did this, White’s entire body ignited in pink glow and she reflexively shrank down to be about Stars’ height. 

What was left of the crowd applauded. The Off Colors dropped their instruments and cheered as well. In the heat of the moment, Stars pirouetted White Diamond, then, dipped her and stole another kiss. Feeling sexy and powerful, Stars took the white, 70’s-style sunglasses off of White’s flushing pink face, and put them on. They were now a trophy of his lofty conquest. 

“Hey, White,” Stars suggested innocently as the applause died down, and White expanded back to her ordinary size.

“Yes, darling?” White responded with half-lidded eyes, still seduced from before. 

Stars peered up from beneath the big white sunglasses, and his pink diamond eyes locked on White’s. As this happened, White’s entire body shifted solid pink, and she froze, as though having been transformed into an inanimate puppet.

“I want you to join Pink Diamond,” Stars instructed, “I want you to bow to him, and pledge your loyalty. Officially, _he_ is the top diamond now, not _you_ , so if he gives you an order, you must promptly obey it. Do you understand?”

“Yes, My Diamond, I hear and obey,” White’s mouth replied in Steven’s voice.

“So glad we agree,” Stars gloated. Then, he poofed into a cloud of pink light, as he un-fused, separating back into Steven and Lars.

Lars staggered around disorientedly, then, collapsed onto the ground.

“W… _what was that_? I was you and…and…you were me…and _we were_ ….” Lars panicked.

“The _ultimate_ bro?” Steven finished Lars’ sentence helpfully, cocking an eyebrow jauntily.

“Well, _yeah_ , dude.”

Steven offered Lars his hand and helped him up to his feet. Then, he said with Diamond-like parental authority:

“You need to call Sadie, Lars.”

“What?”

“You were _pretending_ to be ok with her leaving you for Shep. You miss her. I know you do. I felt it. When we were fused as Stars,” Steven said. 

“I had to let her go, Steven. It was the right thing to do. She didn’t want me anymore,” Lars defended his decision with somber resolve.

“You’re in pain,” Steven accused.

“No I’m not.”

“Don’t lie to me. I _know_ you’re in pain,” Steven reminded him. Steven knew now for a fact that Lars was still heartbroken over falling out with Sadie, because Steven had experienced that heartache himself, as Stars.

“Ok, so maybe _your right_ ,” Lars muttered. He sat down in the chair next to Connie, crossed his arms, and pouted. “But SO WHAT?”

“Lars…it’s been _two years_. A lot can change in that much time,” Steven said softly. Then he took his cell phone out of his pocket, and checked it to see if it was still functional. The screen was severely cracked but it still seemed to be working. So, he handed the phone to Lars and said: “Here. Her number’s in my phone. Call her.”

“But…what if she doesn’t want to talk to me?” Lars protested meekly.

“Lars, just call her,” Steven sighed. 

“ _No_ , Steven,” Lars muttered crossly, “I thought we talked about this. My relationship with Sadie, _is none of your goddamn business!_ ”

Feeling frustrated by this entire conversation, Jasper kicked a cloud of White Diamond dust in Lars’ direction and bellowed: “I believe My Diamond gave you a direct order, insolent noodle boy! _Obey him_ , or you will _suffer my wrath_!”

“Bring it on you big orange cantaloupe!” Lars challenged indignantly.

“Cantaloupes aren’t even _orange_ , you stupid noodle, twig boy!” Jasper bellowed in retaliation, punching the palm of her hand threateningly. 

“Steven, _put a leash on your goon_ ,” Lars muttered to Steven, rolling his eyes stubbornly.

“That’s it! _He asked for it!_ ” Jasper growled, balling her huge, powerful hands threatening fists. There was a dangerous, sadistic look in her eyes and she seemed about ready to pound Lars into a coma.

Steven put up his hand and intervened calmly:

“Jasper, _Stand down_.”

“Yes, My Diamond,” Jasper growled, but she continued to glare as Lars, as she stood behind Steven, pounding her palm with her fist menacingly.

Steven shoved the phone in Lars’ direction forcefully.

“ _Call her_ ,” he insisted again.

“Ok, _ok_! _Jeez_!” Lars conceded, taking the phone out of Steven’s hand and finding Sadie’s number on the contacts list.

Steven turned his attention back toward White Diamond, who was now solid pink and floating in place, like a puppet being held up by invisible strings. The creepy doll-like smile that was frozen on her pink face made Steven stop and shudder. He stared at the conquered queen for a moment, completely transfixed by the gravity of this life-changing moment. Then, he concentrated hard on White’s lifeless, pink eyes, and raised his arm experimentally. White copied the gesture. Steven raised his other arm. White copied that gesture as well.

“Huh…,” Steven murmured to himself. It seemed that he possessed some version of White’s puppet-making ability. It occurred to him that it was probably cruel to hold White prisoner in her own body like this. However, he was far too terrified of her to consider letting her go free, even for a moment, despite his nagging conscious.

Blue and Yellow Diamond’s gems floated out of Steven’s pocket, then, began to glow and reform. Steven panicked as he realized that this was happening. Jasper raised her fists, threateningly, prepared to protect her Steven against Blue and Yellow Diamond, in the event of a confrontation. Connie gasped in fear and coughed a faint cloud of silver dust. Lars put Steven’s cell phone aside for a moment, and stared up at the reforming gems with a look of terror on his face, instinctively placing himself between this impending threat and the pregnant Connie. 

Blue and Yellow Diamond finished reforming with an astounded gasp. Now, both giant women looked around in fear and confusion. They saw the ruined coffee shop covered in the remnants of White Diamond’s discarded form. They saw their master, White Diamond, the most powerful being in the universe, rendered a pink lifeless puppet. And they saw Steven, glaring at them with pink, terrified, glowing eyes. And that’s the last thing they saw, because after that, Steven snapped his fingers, and they became his puppets as well. 

Now, Steven possessed an entourage comprised of three giant, creepy, pink, enslaved husks of the former diamonds. They made him look pretty scary and powerful. But they were also weirding him out, and he kind of didn’t like looking at them. So, he gave them this order:

“Go back to the ship and poof yourselves. Then, don’t reform again for at least another 10 thousand years.”

“Yes, My Diamond,” the members of the former Diamond Authority replied in unison, “We hear and obey.”

The three pink puppets proceeded to obey the command. All those present, excluding Steven and Jasper, stared with open mouths as the giant, zombified women, disappeared into the ship. This historic clash of titans had now concluded, and Steven had arisen from it, victorious. 

Now that Steven had won the war against The Diamond Authority, he could easily claim control of their various intergalactic empires, and gem colonies. After all, the citizens of Homeworld, and its surrounding colonies, already knew Steven as a pseudo 4th diamond. They had all seen videos of him, claiming to have “brought peace to the universe” and his approval rating among most Homeworld citizens seemed to be pretty high.

It only made sense that if the existing Diamond Authority were to, say, _mysteriously disappear_ , that Steven would be the one to step up and replace them. 

However, before Steven worried about any of that, he had the current unpleasant situation with his family to sort out. Steven was still very nervous about the prospect of letting Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl out of their bubbles, so nervous, in fact, that he could feel another panic attack coming on. But, at the same time, he didn’t want them to suffer imprisonment for any longer than was absolutely necessary. He hoped that they still loved him, and that they would forgive him for being a bad, defiant, un-grateful brat. He hoped that they wouldn’t yell at him, and call him a monster, and hate him _forever_. The way that they now hated The Original Pink Diamond. 

Noticing that Steven looked slightly distraught, Jasper put her orange hand on his broad shoulder and said:

“Steven, are you ok?”

“Yeah…I’m fine. Great actually,” Steven replied, though he did sound a little overwhelmed and distraught. And kind of like he was lying. 

“Oh, ok…good…actually, I kind of…ugh. I got something for you. I wanted to surprise you after the show. But then, all of this happened, and you vanquished The Diamonds. And the coffee shop got ripped open. And you fused with _Lars_. That was pretty weird. So, now, the moment is kind of ruined. I’ll just give it to you later,” Jaspered muttered with some frustration. 

“Ok…now I really want to see what it is,” Steven said with the curious and expectant smile of a small boy who about to pull the rapping paper off of a present on Christmas day.

“Yeah, Jasper, _show us what it is_!” Rhodonite shouted cheerfully. Then, the other Off Colors emerged from their hiding places and voiced their approval with a few enthusiastic hoots and cheers.

“Ugh. Ok, fine,” Jasper grumbled. Then, she grabbed her discarded, brown, trench coat of off of the ground and shook the White Diamond dust off of it. She removed something from the pocket, then, dropped the coat back on the floor.

“Steven Quartz Diamond Demayo Universe,” Jasper said, getting down on one knee and holding up an open ring box, containing a gold wedding band, “Will you accept this meaningless token of temporary human courtship, and have an expensive, extravagant cake party with me?”

Steven flushed and grinned looking slightly embarrassed. Then, he replied:

“ _I will_.”

Lars, The Off Colors, and several battered coffee shop customers covered in White Diamond Dust applauded.

“Well, um...,” Steven mumbled, scratching his curls awkwardly, as he recalled that Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl were still imprisoned in his closet back at the apartment. Now, that the war was technically won, he would release them from their bubbles, and apologize, possibly even with pancakes, “I should probably be going now. I have some important business to attend to.”

Steven walked into White’s ship, and Jasper followed, standing over him protectively. Lars and Connie watched as the two disappeared from sight. Then, the ship blasted off into the air. 

As White's ship disappeared from sight, Lars walked over to what was left of the sink in the kitchen of the coffee shop, and filled a glass of water for Connie. As he was doing this, he held Steven’s cell phone up to his ear and listened to Sadie talk. 

“Yea…it’s been a fun couple of years. My music career's hit a rough patch but other than that, I’m doing pretty good,” Sadie’s voice informed Lars from over the phone. 

“That’s good…I’m really glad to hear that everything is going well,” Lars answered her. He walked back over to Connie and handed her the glass of water.

Connie choked down the glass of water quickly and breathed an uneasy sigh of relief. 

“Yea…I’m sure it’s not very interesting compared to what you’ve been up to…as a ship captain in outer space, but you know, heh. It’s a living,” Sadie said.

“So, how’s Shep doing?” Lars asked.

“Well, actually me and Shep split up,” Sadie said.

“Oh no. Why’s that?” Lars inquired, trying very hard to not so too eager about the prospect.

“Eh…we just didn’t click I guess. I mean, Shep’s great, but I just didn’t feel that spark with them, you know?” Sadie said.

“Oh…yeah, I get it,” Lars said nervously, “It’s just that…you guys seemed so happy together back in Beach City.”

“Oh yeah, that…well to be honest I was playing it up a little bit for your benefit. I’m kind of ashamed to admit this now, but, the truth is, I wasn’t ever really that into Shep. I was just trying to make you jealous. Like, back then, I had this idea that if I rubbed Shep in your face enough, you’d get mad enough to challenge them and confess your feelings for me. Heh, isn’t that stupid and immature? You must think that’s so dumb,” Sadie confessed nostalgically.

“Y-yea, the dumbest,” Lars gasped, as the tears that had been building in his eyes while Sadie was talking, finally overpowered his will and rolled out over his face. He wiped them away quickly and tried to get grip, but he could not help but smile at the thought of Sadie being in his life again, and let out another small sob. 

“Lars, are you… _crying_?” Sadie remarked with concern and surprise. 

“N-no,” Lars lied. 

“Good, I didn’t think so,” Sadie laughed, “It must be my crazy brain imagining things again. It’s been a rough couple of months, honestly. I’m having some trouble booking gigs and I had to pick up a waitressing job to pay rent. Honestly, it kind of blows. Miss you, buddy.”

“I miss you too.”

“Wow, really. Never thought I’d hear you say _that._ ”

“We should get together sometime, you know. Reminisce about old times,” Lars said.

“...I would like that, Lars,” Sadie agreed timidly, sounding extremely hopeful and overjoyed at the mere suggestion of having Lars in her life again.

Connie sat there, looking morose, while Lars continued his conversation with Saddie on the phone. Faint police sirens could be heard, getting louder as they approached, and, in the distance, she saw red fire trucks racing toward the demolished building. Connie inhaled slowly, taking air into her damaged lungs, as she cradled her pregnant belly with one dust-covered hand. She was feeling some very intense emotions at the moment, emotions that she had been aching to express, since discovering the true identity of Stanley Rose. 

When Lars was finally done talking, he put Steven’s phone down and turned to Connie.

“Are you alright?” he asked her.

“ _No_ ,” Connie rasped in reply.

“…Are you hurt…how’s the baby?” Lars asked, sounding slightly concerned.

“He’s fine…,” Connie said, sounding bitter and emotionally exhausted, “Or I hope he’s fine…who can be sure with all of this dust in the air?”

“You sound…upset,” Lars observed.

“That’s because _I am_ upset, Lars. What do you think? I’m supposed to be happy about any of this? The Earth is a flaming ruin. _My life_ is a flaming ruin. And Steven…he has the nerve…the sheer, deluded, self-absorbed _audacity_ …to think that _I_ would want to fuse with him again, after everything he’s done to me? After everything he’s done to planet Earth? He’s got such a warped perception of reality! He just makes me so _mad_!”

“He still loves you, Connie,” Lars informed her somberly, and he knew for a fact that this was true because he had felt the emotion himself while he and Steven were joined as Stars, “He loves you so much. I know that he does. Because _I_ was him for a brief moment. And I felt that love. It’s a love that hurts…like broken glass in your heart.”

“Well, he can love me all he wants but what he did is _unforgivable,_ ” Connie huffed angrily, “Lars, I know that you’re loyal to him. Because he brought you back from the dead and everything, but _look around you_! Everything, he touches turns to shit! Steven can’t even handle _eating a_ _hot dog_ without having a panic attack, do you really think he’s going to be able to handle, governing this _entire galaxy_! No, wow, oook, I’m sure nothing could possible to horribly, horribly wrong with that scenario! Everything is going to just be great now because Steven is perfect and he’s the supreme overlord now, so _now_ everything is _fixed forever_ , I guess! It’s not like Steven’s horribly irresponsible and incompetent or anything. Oooh _noooo_.”

“Yeah, to be honest, I’m a little worried about this whole situation too,” Lars confessed. 

“Let’s face it, with Steven behind the wheel, the Earth is pretty much doomed,” Connie lamented.

“Come on, Connie, have a little faith in him. I mean, at least he means well,” Lars said.

“Yeah, and look where that’s gotten us,” Connie muttered, kicking a chunk of White Diamond’s discarded form away from her chair.

“Come on…I know it looks bad now, but....”

“Thanks to him _my son_ is going to born into a war-torn nightmare,” Connie growled. 

“Well…maybe that’s true but…there’s still so much for you to look forward to. Maybe that baby will even grow up to be someone cool and important,” Lars theorized playfully, “Maybe this all happened for a reason. And your son’s the guy who’s going to work with Steven to fix all of this. Maybe he’s a great problem solver? A doctor? _A builder_ , maybe?”

A piece of debris fell from what was left of the coffee shop’s crumbling walls, and crushed the cash register with a threatening _clank_. This caused Connie to twitch.

“No. Let _me_ tell _you_ who _my son_ is,” Connie growling passionately, standing up and poking a finger Lars’ direction aggressively, “ _My son_ …is the man who is going to _KILL STEVEN UNIVERSE!_ ”

…

_20 Years Later_

After having seized control of Earth, Home World, White’s ship, White’s off-planet properties, and the members of the former Diamond Authority, Steven pronounced himself Galactic Overlord, and had his subjects build him a new ship.

The ship was reminiscent of white’s ship, in that it resembled a giant humanoid robot floating through space. In the tradition of The Original Diamonds, Steven’s ship doubled as a giant statue of himself. It was pink, and broad, with thick, muscled arms, and an impressive metal pompadour.

From here, Steven, controlled the governments of Earth, Homeworld, and all its surrounding colonies. As Galactic Overlord, he had supporters, dissenters, challengers, admirers, and sworn enemies. However, very little could touch him from the safety of his metal, man-shaped space craft. When presented with a challenge, he usually just gave orders to his underlings and they did battle with his sworn enemies in his stead. Meanwhile, Steven spent most of his time lounging in his throne room, playing video games, eating fry bits, and being pampered by Jasper.

That was until, one fateful day, when a small spacecraft latched onto the side of Steven’s ship and infiltrated his security system. 

“My Diamond, we have an intruder!” a rose quartz soldier alerted him with a respectful solute as she entered his throne room. 

Steven pushed a button on the arm of his throne chair and activated his security camera monitor. The opposite wall flickered and showed some security feed of a tall, skinny, dark-skinned boy, with curly black hair and a pink sword, sneaking around the ship.

“Well, this is annoying,” Steven groaned, putting down his video game controller and crossing his arms indignantly.

He glanced over at Jasper, who was currently standing at the right side of his thrown, like a hulking suit of amour. Jasper glanced back at him and shrugged, looking just as perplexed by this startling occurrence as he was. 

“My Diamond, what is your order? How do we proceed?” the rose quartz soldier demanded of him urgently.

“The boy’s not a threat to me,” Steven said with annoyance, feeling slightly insulted by the implication, “Capture him and send him back to were he came from.” 

Over the monitor, Steven heard the skinny, dark-skinned boy cry out with a naïve level of foolish bravado, as he brandished his pink sword at the security camera:

“ _Steven Universe_! You killed my father! Now, I’ve come here to _end_ your tyrannical reign! Come out here and fight me, you coward!”

Steven projected his voice back over the monitor and replied anticlimactically:

“No, thanks. I’m good.”

“Come out here and _fight me_ , you _coward_!” the young man challenged a second time. Steven could see plainly now that the sword he held was in fact, Rose’s scabbard, a powerful gem artifact with the capacity to shatter him.

“You must be Kevin Junior,” Steven sighed exhaustedly, shoving a fistful of fri bits into his open mouth, and picking up his video game controller again.

“Yes, actually, _I am_ …how did you know?” the young man replied in a startled voice, apparently he had not been expecting Steven to guess his name and identity so easily. 

“Luck guess, I suppose. You’ve got your father’s _stupid_ ,” Steven replied casually, “How’s your mother, by the way?”

“I- _she’s_ -I’ve come for your head, _alien overlord scum_!” Kevin shouted passionately.

Hearing this, Steven chuckled derisively, and shoved another fist full of fry bits into his open mouth. Then replied:

“Oh, please, kid. As if you stand a chance against me. If you value your life, you’ll get the hell off of my ship right now.”

Before Kevin could reply, Steven, switched off his security monitor, thus, claiming the last word for himself.

“My Diamond, that earth monster has addressed you with a great disrespect!” the rose quartz soldier shouted, “Shall I summon the troops to exterminate him?”

“No. Capture him and strap him to that unnecessarily slow moving, death device. You know, the one that doesn’t work good? The one with the broken lock that you can _easily escape_ from?” Steven instructed.

“But, My Diamond, he can _easily escape_ from that!” the rose quartz shouted in a panic, “And then he’ll come back for you! My diamond, you have to kill him, _now_!”

Steven took this piece of advice with a patronizing smirk, and a confident shrug. Then, replied dismissively:

“Oh, please. He’s mortal. He’ll die on his own eventually. And, _until then_ …”

Steven glanced over at Jasper for a moment. Jasper grinned back, winked, and flashed him the thumbs up, looking very unconcerned by this new “challenge” to Steven’s supremacy.

“ _I’ve got time to kill_ ,” Steven finished with a grin. 

_(Fin.)_


End file.
